Keeping A Distance And Lack Of True Friendships

[just me here]

I martyred myself for my own values and beliefs ... which are shared by others. Pats on the head for doing what is right? Feels somewhat condescending and I don't like it. What possible gain might I have had in mind for myself by turning in my brother? The hardships certainly outweighed any benefits.

I suppose, in some strange way, I did it to show myself that I could act in an altruistic way if presented with the grisly opportunity to do so. Those who died digging people out after 911? Altruism in action or suicidal tendencies? I don't think many did it for a medal of bravery. Superficial rewards cannot constitute as "icing" ... especially if the cake of altruism is only an illusion.

a fine example of altruism in human actions. There are times when you just can't even imagine the wrongness of thinking of yourself first. You have to act in the interest of someone that can't do whats needed for themselves. You might get a feeling of "I done good", but who cares when the cost is a feeling of "I could die here" or "this is gonna be something that hurts me" or " I wish I didn't have to do this but I do".

I will keep insisting that there is altruism, I have just seen it too many times to allow anyone to mistakenly beleive we are not capable of making the choice to leave a position of safety and enter an area of danger for the benifit of another human being. We are, and who cares if it is for a medal or money or a good feeling, the dangers are real and the effort is just the right thing to do.

 

[Kimpersonal]

For all concerned with this thread of conversation ... how much do you suppose we would be able to trust one another in person ... off of this forum??? Do we consider one another as "acquaintances" as "friends" or as faceless entities just as likely to be the enemies we can thank for having this disorder to cope with???

Do we give one another credit and the benefit of the doubt as being "true" and decent human beings ... or do we dislike each other as much as we dislike the average person crossing our path?

Are we an elitist bunch? Or so elitist that we remain singular and merely draw off of each other's strengths and experience like leeches seeking sustenance?

... I suck ... but in what way? ... how much do I suck? ... Do I have anything that others might want to draw from?

No wonder vampires are so "in vogue".... :devilish:

Kim

 

[712xx]

*Raises hand* Hi, I'm a recovering/suffering leecher that shouldn't be trusted with small children or pets, due to the posibility I may forget to feed and water them. However, I'm a good listener/reader :geek: and sometimes can have a good idea, but usually not. :oops: I am as well-intentioned as I am under nourished/nurtured, but I do try not to suck anyone dry.

I don't have the proper fangs to be a vampire, nor do I like watching those dumb movies with them in it. Such the drama without any interesting substance.

 

[just me here]

I had an inside joke with a counselor that insisted I needed to make an effort to find friends: " Go looking for people that have a look of total distrust and disdain in there eyes, and say hi, I don't trust you or like you either".

 

[Kimpersonal]

I recognize that hand!!! Waving back! :) Well ... children and pets have a remarkable way of making their needs loudly known by their primary food supply ... so there is no chance of "forgetting". LOL. My plants, however, wither silently ... then droop ... then turn yellow. It is this screaming hue of butter or lemon that lets me know the plants might just be thirsty??? With any luck, I'll have caught this non-verbal cue in time before the brown/crusty stage of development and my carpet looks like a park on an autumn day! If anything in my house is still green ... it resembles the charlie brown christmas tree with a mangled leaf or three leaves at the most! :sick:

I hope you realize, 712xx, that I consider you more than a mere acquaintance ... and could NEVER consider you among the leech or vampire humanoids!! ( I do not consider anyone on this site that way ... all are innocent until proven guilty ... and nobody has reason to feel guilty for sharing their truths here, IMO). I will venture to say that I actually consider you a friend ... but also that I am afraid that this sentiment might not be reciprocated.

In a nutshell, that is my main fear of people ... that my heart is often too sensitive and it gets broken easily by others; even after so many experiences with having it broken (accidentally AND intentionally) ... that there should really be nothing left of it except cookie crumbles.

 

[czerkawski]

I can't ever say I've really had a friend. A close friend at least. Looking back from birth till now it's almost astonishing as to how I've managed to keep myself secluded from the world. It really has taken a gargantuan effort on my part to keep the world at arms length. Have I had people in my life? Yeah sure, growing up I had a select few people that I would hang around with but we were always doing something like biking, building forts, video games etc. When we weren't doing anything and just expected to shoot the s**t, it was enormously painful. Just being able to talk and hold a conversation as kid was a challenge in itself. The desire to cut and run was still an issue back then.

Fast forward 15 years and I still have this problem. I'm in college now and naturally you will be forced into some sort of social interaction. I can somewhat manage some small talk in class, but when class ends I bail. I have made an effort to get out more, and it has gotten somewhat easier. Still huge trust issues on my part however. I feel so awkward and fake around people.

Anyway's, since college started 8 months ago I have had a subtle yet massive shift in my thinking. Before college started I was so set in the belief that I hated people, the I wanted nothing to do with people, that I didn't need people in my life. After processing all the emotions that would come up as I was triggered literally on an everyday basis for school, I have warmed to the thought of having friendships. There are people that like me, I know this, but im still crazy scared to actually for a somewhat "real" friendship. I guess awareness is the first step, followed closely by an honest willingness to change. I definitely aware and am becoming more and more willing to attempt to actually open up a little bit more as I grow and heal.

At the end of the day I hurt myself so much closing the world out. At one time these fears and trust issues served my well. Actually they probably kept me alive. But now as I grow older, heal and grow, however painfully slow it may be sometimes, I realize I'm hurting myself to a massive extent. Humans weren't meant to be isolated. We are social. I think a lot of the depression and rage that can flare up inside of me can be attributed to a lack of any semblance of a social life. I get triggered and get angry at myself daily. The triggers aren't nearly as bad as say 8 months ago, but I'm just getting to the point were I'm willing to actually change and let go of some of these fears just out of sheer frustration. How many times must I react defensively or be fearful of the same thing in which nothing has happened? That to me is a huge catalyst for change. That is the definition for insanity; doing something over and over, expecting a different result. I certainly can drive myself to the edge sometimes lol.

Anyways, in these last few days or even hours, I have had a mini epiphany. Being myself. Just trying to be myself or be willing to be myself. I've never been actually able to be myself due to crazy parents and classmates bullying me. This mask I put on and wall I put up is slowly driving me crazy. Completely non-effective nowadays. So for now I'm just gonna out it out there and at least be open to be willing to be myself. Just be Ian, however scary that may be. I can't expect to go from this shell like state to Dave Chappelle-like antics instantly, but we'll see what happens!

 

[Kimpersonal]

hi, I don't trust you or like you either".

:roflmao: I have a favorite magnet on my fridge. It has a photo of an infant (still wrinkled and old looking as if VERY new still) with a scowl on his face and the middle finger up on his pudgy hand. Beneath the photo is the caption: Clearly, Charlie wasn't going to be much of a people person.

 

[Kimpersonal]

Hi, Ian. When we beat ourselves up to a pulp ... yet protect ourselves from the possibility of others doing this to us ... what are we achieving? You are so very right that we might as well just be ourselves ... I admire your courage.

 

[712xx]

Oh Kim, lol, we are a wonderland short of a few mushrooms aren’t we? Or is it a few mushrooms short of a wonderland? I get this frightening excitement when I see you’ve posted something; it is almost like being there with the backward clock and the oversized plant life (that is more human than the humans). It can make a person curious, but we know the Mad Hatter is around the corner waiting to make us tea.

So I ask myself, should I venture down that path this minute, or sit here chatting with the caterpillar just to catch my breath after falling down the hole? I usually just pass by the stoned worm because he makes me nauseous – besides, tea is pretty good for an upset stomach, even if it is being served by an eccentric with an anxious mouse for a friend.

As any good mouse worth her weight in salt, I have to admit you have the ability to slap just the right amount of jam on my nose and turn my anxiety into mere alarmed-amusement. It is a very subtle difference to the eye of a neurotypical, but it does make a big difference to me.

If friendship can be born from frightened (mutual) respect and fear of blindly stepping on the hearts and minds of the other in our clumsy attempt to keep each other upright while skating on thin ice … then I guess someone is pregnant! :eek: I’m unsure who it is, but I detect rising hormone levels. Congrats! :D

 

[Eleanor]

God, I love this forum!:) 712 - you are a hoot!

On a more (?!??!) serious note: @ Ian - awesome epiphany! There are crazy people in the world - no one totally avoids them, AND it is possible to get good enough at recognizing them quickly and then limiting their access to ourselves/getting them out of our lives. Usually, for me, this involves a firm "no" at some point:D.
Re the "could we be friends off line" question: I think online is easier because it is so inherently limited that setting/maintaining boundaries is much easier - so it kind of models good relationships in one way. And we are allowed to be ourselves without physical consequences to each other (my being awake at night, doesn't wake you up!) And that makes it easier. I think, with the requisite skills it would be easier to negotiate a friendship (in the way that all friendships have to be negotiated) with someone from here tho!

 

[just me here]

Funny thing- I just realised something about myself and possibly human nature.

I don't make or claim to have any friends. That said, I have to wonder about some choices I have made recently.

Years ago I was hospitalised for several weeks after an emergency surgery and met the man in the next room. we spent hours together walking the halls pushing our IV bottle stands around and around the place, trying to get our strength and balance back.

We were both totally vulnerable to each other, I could hear the conversations in his room, he could hear mine, we knew all about each others diagnosis and treatments and basically everything and we had each seen the other ones behinds in those damn gowns they put you in purely for the amusement of the nurses.
We were basically best friends and a huge part of each others lives temporarily, but when we left the hospital, we didn't have any plans to ever see each other again.

About a year ago I noticed an insurance office being run by a guy with the same name as my hospital buddy and when I made the choice a month ago to change my policies, I went to his office out of curiosity partly and because I wanted a quote from the company he was an agent for mostly.

I was welcomed warmly and we fell right back into our same level of open honesty and ability to discuss any subject without hesitation, only now we had other things besides our health to talk about and we talked most of an afternoon and again when he came to my home to record it's condition and my posessions for insurance purposes.

I haven't opened up like that to anyone in years, and this man is basically a total stranger except that we have been laid bare before each other and struggled with the same degredations with each other and experienced some very unpleasant things together.

We aren't friends, he isn't cutting me a deal on my insurance, I chose to go with his company based solely on reputation and price. Again, we have no plans to do anything together but business, except that I can share things with him and he with me that I know I don't share freely.

I think he and I, and maybe all of us here, share a kind of "army buddy" status. Not to make claims on the kind of kinship fealt by people that have been through combat together, I don't have any personal knowledge of what thats like, but this may be similar to a much lesser degree.

 

[Kimpersonal]

I met an older gentleman once at a writer's convention ... we both held a similar passion for poetry, prose and classic works of literature. He was in his 60's and clung to his Jewish beliefs ... I was in my late 20's and steadfast in my faith. Other writer's ... about 8 of us total ... became a close knit group that just naturally/organically seemed to form. By the end of the weekend we found what our connection really was ... suffering! Exquisite pain and the desire to find a beauty or at least a purpose inherant in knowing such pain. (I was in panic mode for approx. 3 weeks to partake in this convention!)

The last day we were released from the conference until the final dinner/awards in the evening. This was our opportunity to take in what we wished of Washington DC. The older gent and I chose to spend most of the day at the Holocaust War Museum ... definitely a deep exposure therapy for him, as his Mom was pregnant with him during WW2 and his parents fled Europe for North America. His parents were DEEPLY traumatized and he became a young caregiver to his parents as he grew up. I was in a similar position as a child ... but not with the atrocities of war to "directly" blame. FYI ... he was employed as a psychiatric nurse due to his well developed sense of compassion and ability to empathize with mental illness.

Needless to say, our day together was intensely emotional ... the rawness we both felt is indescribable. Numbness and derealization followed for each of us. Upon returning to separate homes in separate cities ... we both wrote about our experience and sent each other copies of our poetry/prose inspired by that journey together through the museum that affected and impacted us so profoundly.

Part of his letter to me included this quote about soulmates from Thomas Moore:

***** "A soul mate is someone to whom we feel profoundly connected, as though the communicating and communing that take place between us were not the product of intentional efforts, but rather a divine grace. This kind of relationship is so important to the soul that many have said there is nothing more precious in life. We may find a soul partner in many different forms of relationship -- in friendship, marriage, work, play and family. It is a rare form of intimacy, but is not limited to one person or to one form." *****

Our correspondence gradually diminished ... largely due to the jealousy/insecurity of our marriage partners who did not share our passion for the written word and felt threatened by this profound but completely platonic friendship.

He still resides in my heart ... and I can say I probably still reside in his, too. The fact that I rummaged through my box of tattered remnants of my writing dreams to find his letter to share this expresses how significanty even the most fleeting of partnerships can move us.

A little kindness goes a long way.
Kim.