Keeping A Distance And Lack Of True Friendships

[Eleanor]

A thought: the thing about genuine friendship is that it *is* personal. So no two are ever really the same. So there can't be a "standard script" to follow. It is just the two friends.

 

[Bubba]

Yes and no. I became more social after moving away from a family member who contributed to the trauma but much of it is fake. I put on a fun-loving front, but as time goes on I do little things to keep the person at arm's length.

I'm working on it in therapy. Social interaction stimulates the emotions, and as my emotions were a source of so much hairy pain I have gotten used to faking those (or being swallowed up by them).

You say it so well! I have found myself in deep PTSD and I believe depression has also set in. I recently separated from my spouse because he triggers me. He has his own set of problems and wants to be there for me, but it's just too hard to let him in or to even fake it. I feel like I will be swallowed up my emotions - that they will over take me and suck me down into an abyss. So I try to stay numb.

In all relationships, I feel like I have probably faked it. People can tell I'm off and that I'm not really feeling - so they end up leaving me alone. Slowly any friends I thought I had drift off. My husband says he won't, but unless I can let him in - I'm afraid he will. Having been recently retraumatized, my PTSD is in full force. And the programming I had since the age of 7 or even younger, is there on autopilot: don't talk, don't feel, don't trust - it's the mantra of my childhood and has unfortunately been ingrained within me. I hope that one day I can reprogram myself with therapy - but there's a part of me that just can't even imagine what real intimacy looks like. I like my isolation - although right now I am depressed even in this safe place.

My husband tells me that separating from him was wrong. That I abandoned him during his time of need. What he doesn't seem to get is that I felt the abandonment from him - which set-off my PTSD and made me want to run. Just even him telling me that separating was wrong brings on that inner critic telling myself that I just can't seem to do anything right. I isolate to catch my breath. I isolate to live in my ugliness hoping nobody will see what's really on the inside. So do I give up myself to appease him and let him back in the home - or do I stay isolated and try to stabalize the pain that is so deep? My gut tells me I need time. I need time alone to heal. I can just imagine the hurt he will flashback at me when I don't want his embrace or even to hold his hand. For to touch or see the pain of someone else, makes the pain in me want to come out - and I'm afraid I will be swallowed up.

 

[Kimpersonal]

Bubba ... my boyfriend of many years and I separated recently for the same reasons as you have stated. I feel a lot better being on my own where I am less triggered by the relationship. It took him a while to see and understand that we are BOTH better off this way ... and it has improved our ability to communicate and value what each other has to say.

Take your time to decide how you want to proceed ... rushing into any decision in haste is not recommended. Allow this "new" state of affairs to settle for a while and when you are more grounded is a better time to review the relationship and how to proceed. This is just my opinion ... I'm not a professional.