Keeping Trauma A Secret

[piratelady]

My therapist last week, made a few comments about how I need to talk about my abuse and trauma. That the act of keeping a secret can make it so much worse and there is a therapeutic benefit in sharing that burden. I can see some merit in that, but I still question if I will ever be able to verbalize what I went through. I didn't think much of it until my mom and I spoke today.

Today my mom told me that my Grandma's first husband is ill and will likely die in the coming weeks. I asked if she (my grandma) would be going to see him. My mom said no that she thinks he was abusive towards her and she has no reason to see him again.

First of all, I feel extremely guilty for harboring so many bad feelings towards my grandmother. If he was abusive towards her all those years ago, maybe she has PTSD that has been untreated all these years. Maybe that is why she acts the way she does. Even though she is not going to see him, knowing what I do about PTSD, I expect she will be struggling when I see her next weekend. I will try to keep that in mind.

I don't know the details of my Grandma's life before she married my Grandpa (it is each of their second marriage). Every so often she will have a breakdown. She will begin rhyming for a few days (like everything she says rhymes), becomes delusional, then she gets very angry and calls all of her granddaughters (if we are around) evil whores. She gets hospitalized, they give her meds and release her a few days later. She returns to normal which is just her being mean to everyone.

This conversation with my mom, about my Grandma, made me think - I wonder if she would be as bad as she is now if she had not kept her trauma a secret all these years. I worry if the same will happen to me. If I continue to carry my burden if it will just eat me alive until I am a bitter old woman who becomes delusional and emotionally attack those around me. I guess I just wonder if she would be as horrible to my mom and me if she had received some sort of therapy.

Do you all think that keeping a secret just makes the trauma that much worse and the affects that much stronger?

 

[Meadowsweet]

For me, there are many issues around keeping my trauma secret.

I live in fear of people finding out and this in itself effects my interaction with people. I don't want people getting close in case they see the shameful, weak, messed up person who can't deal with what's happened.

I understand at an intellectual level that I'm not shameful, weak etc. But those feelings are quite ingrained, and every moment that I hide them, I'm reinforcing the need to hide them.

So keeping secrets is a very destructive part of my traumas. Also, because I've been told by others to keep what happened to me secret, by doing so I am still allowing abusive people to have that power over me.

i frighten myself with the way my body and mind go when I open up. But I think the strength of that reaction shows me how much emotion and fear I carry trying to keep it all hidden.

 

[Red Feather]

I keep some things secret about my trauma. Other things I can talk about. Lately I have been dissociating everytime I start talking about stuff. I agree, I think secrets are destructive. I hope I can talk about things, I haven't been able to.

 

[Srain]

First off, you are not your Grandmother. No two trauma survivors are the same, though there may be similarities in symptoms. Secondly, I'm not sure your Grandmother has ever sought support, whereas you are doing just that. At least you seem to as though you are working towards healing.

In my family the abuse was passed down as well and I often think of both my grandmothers; one who was so traumatized (possibly bipolar as well) who did herself in and the other who verbally abusive, especially when I confronted my father about his behaviour. I have no doubt there was a nest of vipers on that side of the family from I've gleaned here and there but she chose to keep it all in, cutting everyone else off.

I am not them, you are not her. Unveiling traumas doesn't always happen at once, it takes trust and faith that where you are going from your hiding them is better than where you have been. I'm assuming that is what you are here, in part, to find out. It's process.

The question I asked myself while holding onto my last trauma secret was why was I hanging on to it so hard. I had told so many other things about my traumas, I thought truly worse things, but for some reason I was fighting myself over letting out this secret.
-Are you worth getting better or not?
-Is your life still endanger? -
-Are you afraid of moving forward and not knowing what that means?
All questions I asked myself. Telling my secret was not an option for me if I was to continue healing.

Take good care of yourself.
Rain

 

[piratelady]

Rain: You have given me a lot to think about. You are right, I am not her. As far as I know she never sought help, aside from more meds. I will have to think more on those questions you have above. Maybe they will help me figure this out :)

I live in fear of people finding out and this in itself effects my interaction with people. I don't want people getting close in case they see the shameful, weak, messed up person who can't deal with what's happened.

I understand at an intellectual level that I'm not shameful, weak etc. But those feelings are quite ingrained, and every moment that I hide them, I'm reinforcing the need to hide them.

I frighten myself with the way my body and mind go when I open up. But I think the strength of that reaction shows me how much emotion and fear I carry trying to keep it all hidden.

I think I am kind of the same way. I almost feel like I should be stronger and I should be able to deal with all this, and should not have let it happen in the first place.

I tried to tell a friend once, and started to have a panic attack. I haven't tried to tell anyone since then. It just worries me that I may be causing more harm than good by not speaking up.

 

[Ruckster]

PL, I feel a lot lot lot better since I shared my secret. At first there were two totally different emotions. The first was 'OH! It is not a secret anymore!" and the second was "AH, it's not a secret any more!" Having it not be a secret does not mean that EVERYONE knows... or needs to know. Sharing with someone you can trust, like a therapist or a really good friend who will honor your trust, can be so healing. Holding things in does not make them disappear and can make them ferment and explode on you.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Everybody said so many wonderful things. I just wanted to agree with them and to show you my support. It seems that we are only as sick as our secrets. I feel better in the emdr when I reveal and work on a secret. It has made me feel so much better and stronger.

It is hard to say how keeping secrets works inside an elderly mind. My mom took all of her secrets with her. That robbed us of a relationship. So many things we could never talk about.

To reveal a secret to a trusted therapist where it stays there can be very good for you. It takes the power away from the secret and reveals hidden gifts and strengths you did not know you had. It is the way to heal. It happened to us in secret, in breaking the silence we do not heal alone. I sure hope this makes sense. Big hugs.

 

[Loner]

I really don't care what anyone has been through, its never an excuse for being mean to others. Everyone has been through things. Every time someone goes crazy and shoots and bunch of people, afterwards the media wants to create a story of why, of what drove them to do this. The truth is thats just a story, everyone goes through things, not everyone deals with it by being mean. If she is mean to you, you don't have to feel guilty by not wanting to subject yourself to that. You don't owe her anything just because she might of been abused at some point.

 

[kdblossom]

I know someone (now dead) that at the age of 10 watched he Dad nearly beat his brother's 13 year old pregnant girlfriend to death. (She and her twin daughters are not supposed to be alive.) He told no one for 18 years and then it was a very good friend (that I happen to know) that lived many many miles from his family. This man was much more traumatized based on what I have been able to pieced together then if he had told. His dad never forgave his brother for getting his girlfriend pregnant , talked all the time about her and I think even brainwashed him some. I have finally confirmed the story is very true. I have no idea how to break the news to his brother. I wish Josh had told 25 years ago. This secret ate him alive!!!

 

[lisamarie]

I feel drastically better since I started sharing about my trauma with select people. But I guess it varies person to person. I am posting now about confronting my abuser yesterday.

 

[Heidi07]

Piratelady, talking to my T made me think if my mom had PTSD. There is seriously something wrong with her. I know she hated my step grandfather and she always said that something happened there but never went into details. I kept asking her as a kid and when I grew up but she just said I was too young. When I became an adult, I asked her again and she said that he never sexually abused her. That was something I thought of. She still refused to talk about it. I remember that when I was a little kid, my step grandfather pushed my grandma's head so hard into a wall that resulted in a head wound. I remember the blood pouring from her head and how scared I was. That is almost the only memory I have of him since my memory is like swiss cheese.

My mom verbally and physically abused my sister and me for many years. She is very controlling, moody, bitchy and was very mean to us when we were kids. I always thought that she should have never had kids. I never felt that she loved me as a kid and of course she never told me that either.

What I saw was a cycle of abuse. I don't know what happened exactly to my grandma and mother since everything in my family is "hush hush". Pretending to be the perfect family on the outside and bad things are never talked about, they are ignored.

Sorry for rambling on here but I had to give a bit of history here so you can relate. Since my mom kept quiet about whatever happened to her and of course did not seek treatment, things got worse for her. Maybe that is why she treated us (my sis and me) the way she did? I am still trying to answer this question for myself. This in no way justifies how she treated us and I cannot forgive her for it but maybe it's a reason?

So yes, if you keep it inside, it will get worse in my opinion. I ignored my symptoms and self medicated myself with alcohol and drugs. You can only do this for a certain period of time though. Yep, everything came out with a huge bang and I was forced to seek treatment and start working on myself.

 

[Tanishq]

So yes, if you keep it inside, it will get worse in my opinion.

I concur Heidi's thought.

When I was getting emotionally abused, I thought some day it will be fully healed. but now I am understanding it is much worse now and almost near unbearable. You have to take care of it as soon as possible or slowly if you intend to. But take care of it, never let it grow big. I think going slowly indeed can be very effective if there is no help available for you.

:hug: piratelady.