kind of on autopilot when it comes to suicide actions planning etc

[AJ45]

Crisis Text Line has been useful for me.

I have a "spiritual spot" in my city that I don't know if I created it myself or if an angel led me there. It felt like I was "led" there, but I don't know. However I will drive to the spot and sit in my car and then somehow I feel stronger-no explanation for why that works for me. If angels exist, then that's my only explanation. I'm just glad it does. The futility, the meaninglesness is the worst for me and this spiritual spot helps with that futility feeling.

What @Sideways wrote is something I have been doing; the thought interuption, the "catching" it right when it happens. Then I speak outloud something positive, "I am going to make it" "i deserve to live" it's the opposite of what I feel. oddly that helps at times.

Sometimes just getting up and then doing a chore interupts the feelings and thoughts. Like washing dishes or doing laundry or washing out the tub. Weird I know, but has worked for me.

Reaching out to another human in person. I've been very lucky I could ring my T and he would let me come in and not send me directly to the hospital. Thank goodness! He wrote down on a paper things to "think" , I would look at the paper and read it out loud. it was enough to just get me through until it started passing through

Drink really cold water with ice in it.! Eat something fattening, take tablespoon of flax seed oil. Take vitamin D and Fish Oil.

I think about other people who feel like I do and how I want them to feel better, so if I want them to feel better I can want me to feel better, too.

Reading the Psalms in the bible.

i dont even feel like a person just a thing.

@AJ45 I hope you reply and at least let us know you're ok.

im not going to say im ok but im here....

 

[Sideways]

i try bathes showers coloring music youtube reading articles movies etc

Don’t give up. The things that you would usually (or used to) find soothing or distracting ARE probably helping. Absolutely they don’t give you the instant pick me up that you’re hoping for. Anhedonia (the inability to experience pleasure) is a very common (very shitty) part of depression, which means that you don’t experience the pleasure, but the soothing and emotion-regulating benefits are happening (even without us experiencing pleasure in the moment).

For the acute period of depression, things that are ordinarily soothing will be slowly putting the brakes on the downward momentum on your mood, and slowly getting your brain regulated back to a point where you will start to see improvement.

Remember that this stuff is like slow-working medication. Loads of baths and movies and walks and distraction today, and tomorrow, and the day after, help us get to a point where in a week or 2 we can look back and realise “yep, I have improved from where I was back then...”. So when you pour yourself a bath, aim to feel better next week, rather than by the time you get out of the bath.

You will get there. You’re doing great.

 

[AJ45]

Don’t give up. The things that you would usually (or used to) find soothing or distracting ARE probably helping. Absolutely they don’t give you the instant pick me up that you’re hoping for. But for the acute period of depression, things that are ordinarily soothing will be slowly putting thr brakes on the downward momentum on your mood, and slowly getting your brain regulated back to a point where you will start to see improvement.

Remember that this stuff is like slow-working medication. Loads of baths and movies and walks and distraction today, and tomorrow, and the day after, help us get to a point where in a week or 2 we can look back and realise “yep, I have improved from where I was back then...”. So when you pour yourself a bath, aim to feel better next week, rather than by the time you get out of the bath.

You will get there. You’re doing great.

i wish it was acute its been so many years over decade of constant fight to barely survive

 

[Sideways]

over decade of constant fight to barely survive

Right. I hear you, I totally do. This is depression-brain. It’s very real, it’s a constant battle.

But again, you will get improvement. It took me years. I didn’t buy the “it really will improve” line for a long, long time. But it did happen. And it will for you as well. Remind yourself of the small wins you have each day.

 

[AJ45]

i wish it was acute its been so many years over decade of constant fight to barely survive

when you have gone through most trauma by age of three that most dont even go through till much later its complex. by the time i was 3 i had died been in coma, attempted murder against me, sexual abuse...since 3 its just got worse physical abuse more sexual abuse being sold etc.... you hear your whole life things will get better and you do everything your suppose to to make things better but nothing does its like a joke

 

[frogthroat]

ive been hospitalized twice and it just seemed to make things

Being hospitalized isn't a good experience at all but it did keep me from killing myself. It's taken a good 2 months since I was discharged just to be able to live day to day again and not 5 minutes to the next.
Sometimes all you can do is keep distracting yourself with things like walks and videos. Go get a burrito. Scream. Anything is better than being dead. The thing is if you bought supplies and have a plan to kill yourself you need to tell someone in your life right now. Everyone speaking to you on this thread is just a person in the internet. I've read some suicidal ideation posts and I've posted some of my own but you sound like you're in crisis. Can you stay with someone until this feeling passes?

 

[AJ45]

Being hospitalized isn't a good experience at all but it did keep me from killing myself. It's taken a good 2 months since I was discharged just to be able to live day to day again and not 5 minutes to the next.
Sometimes all you can do is keep distracting yourself with things like walks and videos. Go get a burrito. Scream. Anything is better than being dead. The thing is if you bought supplies and have a plan to kill yourself you need to tell someone in your life right now. Everyone speaking to you on this thread is just a person in the internet. I've read some suicidal ideation posts and I've posted some of my own but you sound like you're in crisis. Can you stay with someone until this feeling passes?

oh i know! and yes it kept me alive but also hurt me while there and when got out just wanted to do it more and more reluctant to reach out. i perfer "person on internet" i dont really like physical people in person if that makes sense terrifies me anxiety is too much its exhausting. and no i keep to myself for most part i tried to tell adoptive mom on whatsapp i was struggling she only said sorry then kind of ignored everything....... i keep to myself because of purpose that adoptive family makes things worse etc. and i dont have friends etc

 

[frogthroat]

I really don't want you to die. Look, I'm not going to tell you I'm sorry because nobody wants to hear that when they disclose a past that traumatic and they're suffering so much.
My whole childhood was filled with physical and sexual abuse then when I was 12 I went through an ordeal with a sadistic pedophile for 2 years with 2 other boys. One of those boys killed himself when he was only 20 years old. I still think about him.
If you take your life right now you will never be able to know what it's like to overcome all the sickness that other people put you through. What happened to you was their sickness and their ugliness. You didn't do anything wrong. You survived. You complied in order to live and now you don't have to do that anymore. How wonderful will it be to wake up and not have these people and the horrible things they did to you affect your life? It's possible to get there. Are you in therapy? It would really help you begin to navigate this and be able to see a way out.

I have to go to bed because I have to be to work at 6:45 but I'm praying for you and that you're still here tomorrow. You deserve a life. You deserve to know they're good things waiting for you. Even if you can't think good thoughts right now you can start to learn. I was being abused before I could verbalize and it's taken lots of work and plenty of meltdowns to be able to start attempting positive thoughts. Your brain gets stuck but you can change your neuropathways with time.
My T told me that my negative thinking wasn't all my fault. I anticipated bad things and never allowed myself to feel good as a coping mechanism during childhood. Now that I'm an adult it's defunct and it really started to mess my life up. I promise things get better. I know you don't believe that right now but they really do.

 

[EveHarrington]

Is medication not helping?

My suicidal behavior is more of the impulsive kind, but my boyfriend has more of the constant thought variety. Getting on the right meds has really helped him. :hug:

 

[AJ45]

Is medication not helping?

My suicidal behavior is more of the impulsive kind, but my boyfriend has more of the constant thought variety. Getting on the right meds has really helped him. :hug:

havent been on meds for awhile

 

[EveHarrington]

Are you open to trying meds again?

 

[AJ45]

Are you open to trying meds again?

no