Kinda New To The Forum, Old To The Problem

[Spidersilk]

I was diagnosed in my early twenties initially, then with several other therapist subsequently. I'm about to finish my advanced degree as a psychotherapist and am seeing a handful of clients now, during the supervised portion of my training/education, and am finally seeing what PTSD is in my own life and how un-recovered I am. How is it that after all these years it is still there and my personality has been formed around it? What happens if you have "grown up" with functional (at least publicly) PTSD, and then you are faced with the truth that it is there and looming and becoming less and less under control?

I am so lost about this, at least for the short time periods that I am able to focus on it. I have learned to just "sit next to it" and tell it to shut-up. I'm a master at that. This seems to only work when I am not working outside-the-home or under stress or when I am not exposed to triggers. When I am working, going to school, raising an 11 year-old, newly divorced and exposed to my client's stories, I seem to begin to wobble. The spin is starting to go too fast now and I am afraid. I really need help but hesitate to see anyone in my small community of psychotherapists. I will be seeking employment next May from these same places. :(

I would like some support in how I can look at myself in light of the years of playing dodgeball with this grenade. Well, that is my introduction! lol Hello all, I have been reading a lot of your post in the last couple months. It was time for me to write.. before I go, "Gee I should read that article on how to train puppies to play" and wipe my tears and move on methodically to my anhedonic existence.

Spider

 

[jeeps for now]

My advice would be for you to work through your PTSD past with the right therapist before going into the mainstream of psychotherapy. That way you will be able to better relate to others with PTSD, in terms of showing them what you know about healing from it. Otherwise, it will always be there haunting everything you do.

 

[Ted Moen]

I think part of learning to live with PTSD is learning to manage your environment. For years I fought being put out of the workplace, but once my understanding of PTSD reached a certain level I was able to monitor my symptoms and level of anxious apprehension while participating in assorted activities and relationships and it became very obvious that participation in certain activities raised my level of anxious apprehension to a level at which my symptoms resulted in inappropriate or counterproductive behavior regardless of how I attempted to manage them. At that point I accepted that part of learning to live productively with PTSD was to learn to manage my environment so that my set of activities did not raise my level of anxious apprehension beyond my ability to manage the behavior generated by my symptoms at that level.

So I participated in a medical retirement from the (military) workplace. But it went further than that. I had to drop a number of activities that I discovered generated a level of intensity that took me over the edge. Put an authoritarian supervisor over me or put me in a rigid organizational setting and I will be at war with the supervisor or the rules within a few days. Within a month or so my behavior will be out of control, focused on giving deserving targets creative learning experiences.

So the challenge became to develop a set of activities and relationships that did not take me over my threshold but generated feelings of worth and productivity and joy of life that makes it all worthwhile. Sounds to me like you are looking at that challenge. It's a good but hard thing. It means you have come a really long way in learning to live with PTSD and done it well. But now there's the next step. Accessing your set of activities and relationships, relating them to your level of anxious apprehension and your threshold, then adjusting your set of activities and relationships accordingly.

I no longer work, but I volunteer as a mentor at an elementary school. I have an intense (for my age) exercise routine. I play golf and spoil my grandchildren. I landscape around the house and watch the plants and flowers grow and bloom. I am increasingly becoming a caregiver for my wife as her dementia progresses. Life is good.

It's worth the effort to manage your set of activities and relationships.

Ted

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Welcome to the forum. :)

My own T sees a T. It helps him process and deal with things people tell him. To me that sounds understandable?

I want to say to stay strong...but maybe thats easier said then done?

Welcome again.

 

[intothelight]

Hi Spider,

Welcome to the forum. I hope you find support and healing here.

Wishing you peace.
Debbie