Relationship New to Forum - PTSD Supporter

[QueenBlue22]

Hi all,
New here.

My husband is a police officer and has been for 20 years. He has recently gone of work due to suspected PTSD from chronic exposure to violent deaths. He works as a Sgt in Traffic and Marine. He has seen bodies in every state - all dead.

He also suffered from a severely abusive childhood. Very dysfunctional and witnessed physical violence against his mother who then abandoned him to live with her other two children and left my husband with his abusive father.

We have been married for almost 20 years. All 20 he has been emotionally and verbally abusive to me. I've been in therapy many times trying to find ways to deal with things. He is VERY angry all the time. Shouts all the time. Stonewalls, silent treatment, name calling. to both me and our 8 year old son.

He gets VERY ANGRY at me for falling asleep on the couch, despite working full time and taking care of the house/son. He feels I should pay attention to him and spend time with him. He recently spent over $300 on lingerie for me (which is not really for me b/c I would never wear it outside the house) and it very angry right now that I haven't worn it all yet. Sex is extremely important to him and he gets very angry when I don't initiate it every night/other night. IT's exhausting and a chore quite frankly.

I should have left him a long time ago. I've gotten to the point where I don't even fight back anymore. Any time I try and defend myself against his attacks, he turns it around and blames me. Everything that goes wrong in his life is my fault,

I have become numb to my own feelings and have had fleeting thoughts of not wanting to deal with this life anymore.

I am financially dependent on him. HIs ties to the police community would make it near impossible for me to prove the abuse. I feel completely trapped and hate my life and the life of my son.

I find myself not feeling empathetic towards my husband. He has reluctantly agreed to see a counsellor mainly b/c his word requires him to. He will not even entertain the idea of medication.

I just don't know what to do anymore.

Thank you to anyone who got through this....

 

[Sweetpea76]

I’m sorry you’re going through all of this and feel so trapped. You don’t deserve this, and your son especially doesn’t deserve this.

Did you say your husband was starting treatment?

It seems impossible to leave when you are financially dependent on somebody, but it really is possible to leave if that is what you want. I know how scary it is, but don’t think anything is impossible. I left my ex with 2 kids and $100 to my name, and it was the best thing I ever did in my life. It sucked, but we figured it out.

Your mental health is important too, even if you are “healthy”. Your son’s is the main priority. It is more than OK to set boundaries, or even leave if that’s what you need.

 

[nursenurse]

You and your child are worth saving. Find a lawyer and explore your rights. Contact a woman’s shelter, they will have ideas for you even if you are not ready to walk out just yet. If nothing else, you will know that you are not alone. His explosive demeanour is his to own, and not necessarily PTSD.
I too left someone, with a kid, a cat, a dog and a pet chinchilla in tow, and debt up the yin yang, all his. Worked my way through everything and built a decent life. It can be done. It is easy to feel hopeless when you have been beaten down at every turn. There is always a small opening for you to squeak through. Gather your information, look through it all with a clear head and heart, and make a decision. History will repeat itself with your son, what he sees modelled is what he will model. My heart goes out to you, it isn't easy, but it is doable and worth it in the end.

 

[EveHarrington]

My heart goes out to you. You do not deserve this kind of abuse, and neither does your son.

 

[QueenBlue22]

Thank you for your comments. He has been ANGRY with me every night this week for one reason or another. My son has severe sleep anxiety. He fights going to sleep because he wants me to stay in the room with him. This makes OH angry as he feels my son is 8 and should be able to fall asleep on his own. If I stay with my son, I get the brunt of anger, if I leave, I have to deal with my son panicking and then the anger of my husband. This morning he is not talking to me b/c I snore, badly, so he had to leave our room and sleep on the couch.

I'm honestly at the point where I don't know if I'm coming or going. I can't take the anger. I never know when he's going to get angry but it seems like it is all the time now and it's all directed at me.

I don't believe all of this is PTSD related. He is a narcissist and abusive and yet I still feel like it's my fault. If I didn't snore, if I wore the lingerie he bought, if I was nicer to him, did sweet things for him, was harder on my son...He takes ZERO responsibility for the tension in the house. He is faultless. Everything that goes wrong in his life somehow comes back to me. Yet, he continues. And I let him.

I can't set boundaries. He pokes holes in everything I say. every time I try and defend myself against his attacks, it gets turned around on me. He claims that when I defend myself, it's the poor me act. Everything is about me, I can't just own my mistakes...

My head is spinning. I don't know what is right and wrong anymore. I don't know if I'm to blame or not. I'm merely treading water.

I can see how people decide not to live this life anymore. I can see making it want to stop.

 

[Sunshine71]

Just want to say I don't know the answers however I hope you find a solution somehow.....

I have been with my suffer husband 25 years and he isn't the loving kind young man I met and fell in love with - and like you I have been supporting his PTSD and much more for a very long time too....

However we haven't been intimate for 10 years really - so one extreme to the other!!

Seriously though there must be a way for you - it may be scary but can you picture yourself in the same situation in 5 years.... for me I hope and pray that things will improve..... for us both - and for both of our sons too.

Sunshine x

 

[Sweetpea76]

He pokes holes in everything I say.

First of all, he doesn’t get a say in your boundaries. They’re yours.

A lot of people think of boundaries in the wrong way. They’re guidelines you set for yourself. You cannot control how anybody else acts, so by setting a boundary you’re setting your own standard of behavior. For instance, it’s not “you cannot yell at me”... it’s “if he yells, I will not stand there and take the abuse. I will exit the situation when he yells, every time.”

See the difference? He has no say in what you will or will not tolerate.

every time I try and defend myself against his attacks, it gets turned around on me. He claims that when I defend myself, it's the poor me act.

Don’t engage. Don’t escalate. It doesn’t matter what he says. He won’t listen to your defense when he’s in that state anyway. Walk away and let him holler at the wall.

What’s the worst that could happen? He gets mad at you? He’s already mad and yelling.

 

[Mytime]

It’s true, if you know your truth it doesn’t matter what he says. Are you truly ready for a change? You have the strength inside you to get off the narcissistic roller coaster.
First step is seeking a woman’s shelter. There’s support and resources to help you and your son. Your waking up and seeing the narcissist and that is the first step, keep moving . You can truly get yourself and son free step by step.
Start writing things down so he can’t confuse you. Little steps can add up. Educate yourself on an narcissist, there are YouTube videos you can watch, just make sure you protect yourself from him finding out your watching them.

 

[QueenBlue22]

Hi all, having an awful couple of days at home. Sufferer H is on a real anger bender. About me - not having sex with him enough. He feels that he is doing everything in the house right now and I do nothing. Can't even muster up the energy to have sex with him so I must be getting it from somewhere else.

I lost my cool the other night. Middle of the night. He was slamming around the sheets on the bed, the tv converter, huffing and making noises. I engaged and shouldn't have. Paying the price now.

I must remember that my silence is my best defense. But he will wait me out. Waits for me to engage into an argument where I break down into tears, apologize and plead. Only then will he "come around".

I have been thinking, how is it possible that I am the root of every problem he has. All except for his PTSD. He has called me horrible names over the years - but always has a very "strong" argument and basis for doing so. Everything I say, he pokes holes in.

If I would just take care of my problems, stop snoring, wear the CPAP mask so he can sleep, then he wouldn't have to call me a vindictive c*nt. If I would only wear lingerie and initiate sex with him every night then he wouldn't have to call me a dreadful wife.

I've asked him many times why he stays with me if I'm so horrible, and he's so unhappy. He has told me that he's not going to live in a shitty apartment or give me half his pension. Or he says' "oh here we go - pity party for me, turning it around so it's his fault."

This isn't right is it. I can't be that bad a person. I can't have that many issues that need fixing.

 

[Ronin]

Nah, aint silence that's your best defense. Leaving might be, though.

Because you are very right... you are not a bad person. Not only not THAT bad... but not bad at all. He is an abusive asshole.

Only up to him to fix that one, though.

 

[Survivor3]

Nah, aint silence that's your best defense. Leaving might be, though.

Because you are very right... you are not a bad person. Not only not THAT bad... but not bad at all. He is an abusive asshole.

Only up to him to fix that one, though.

Hi all,
New here.

My husband is a police officer and has been for 20 years. He has recently gone of work due to suspected PTSD from chronic exposure to violent deaths. He works as a Sgt in Traffic and Marine. He has seen bodies in every state - all dead.

He also suffered from a severely abusive childhood. Very dysfunctional and witnessed physical violence against his mother who then abandoned him to live with her other two children and left my husband with his abusive father.

We have been married for almost 20 years. All 20 he has been emotionally and verbally abusive to me. I've been in therapy many times trying to find ways to deal with things. He is VERY angry all the time. Shouts all the time. Stonewalls, silent treatment, name calling. to both me and our 8 year old son.

He gets VERY ANGRY at me for falling asleep on the couch, despite working full time and taking care of the house/son. He feels I should pay attention to him and spend time with him. He recently spent over $300 on lingerie for me (which is not really for me b/c I would never wear it outside the house) and it very angry right now that I haven't worn it all yet. Sex is extremely important to him and he gets very angry when I don't initiate it every night/other night. IT's exhausting and a chore quite frankly.

I should have left him a long time ago. I've gotten to the point where I don't even fight back anymore. Any time I try and defend myself against his attacks, he turns it around and blames me. Everything that goes wrong in his life is my fault,

I have become numb to my own feelings and have had fleeting thoughts of not wanting to deal with this life anymore.

I am financially dependent on him. HIs ties to the police community would make it near impossible for me to prove the abuse. I feel completely trapped and hate my life and the life of my son.

I find myself not feeling empathetic towards my husband. He has reluctantly agreed to see a counsellor mainly b/c his word requires him to. He will not even entertain the idea of medication.

I just don't know what to do anymore.

Thank you to anyone who got through this....

Your husband/partner sounds like a complete and utter Asshole. My dad was an abusive and violent alcoholic and it caused me, my brother and mum lifelong mental health issues.

No one wants to have sex with someone that they don't trust.

I'm terribly sorry for what your going through and my advice is to build a 'leave him ' plan. Seek support from women's abuse professionals and legal advice.

Please don't think I'm being harsh when I say this but although it seems tough now,.. The long lasting effects of staying can be irreversible to you and your son. Get professional help.

All the best to you and stay strong. S3.

 

[QueenBlue22]

thank you for your replies.
You all echo what therapists and councilors have said to me in the past. I just refused to believe it. Still do to some extent. He seems so right and justified in why he is angry - any defenses I put up, he pokes holes in and turns it around that I'm blaming him and i'm making it all about me.

Some advice on how to handle this would be great...

Friday night we had sex, I put on the lingerie (albeit not the right undies, so had to get up and change). Saturday night, nothing. Sunday night, I go to bed exhausted. He slams around b/c I'm falling asleep and snoring - so he's all like, "guess I'm not getting any tonight". Fight ensues. Last night, I wait up for him, in my lingerie (almost 1am when he comes to bed). He tells me to f*ck off. not interested. Doesn't want to have sex because I'm only doing it because he's mad. Hasn't spoken to me since Sunday.

Is this a complete mind f*ck or what?