Relationship New to Forum - PTSD Supporter

[Survivor3]

thank you for your replies.
You all echo what therapists and councilors have said to me in the past. I just refused to believe it. Still do to some extent. He seems so right and justified in why he is angry - any defenses I put up, he pokes holes in and turns it around that I'm blaming him and i'm making it all about me.

Some advice on how to handle this would be great...

Friday night we had sex, I put on the lingerie (albeit not the right undies, so had to get up and change). Saturday night, nothing. Sunday night, I go to bed exhausted. He slams around b/c I'm falling asleep and snoring - so he's all like, "guess I'm not getting any tonight". Fight ensues. Last night, I wait up for him, in my lingerie (almost 1am when he comes to bed). He tells me to f*ck off. not interested. Doesn't want to have sex because I'm only doing it because he's mad. Hasn't spoken to me since Sunday.

Is this a complete mind f*ck or what?

Why do you continue to try and please someone that treats you like that?

 

[QueenBlue22]

because I don't know any different. I'm scared. I'm trying to keep the peace.

 

[Survivor3]

because I don't know any different. I'm scared. I'm trying to keep the peace.

I understand what your saying but keeping on trying to please an abuser will just prolong his validated state of mind.
you need to set boundaries and if he doesn't like them, then tell him too f*ck off.
make a decision about when your going too seek professional help and follow through with it. It's not just about you, think of your son, growing up in that environment.

 

[Sweetpea76]

I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

Besides the passive aggressive bullshit and lashing out, he does not have the right to hot and cold running sex on demand complete with costume changes. If my partner acted like that, I’d buy him a blow up doll... but I’m a bitch like that.

This is unacceptable behavior... I don’t care what kind of issue he has.

It’s OK to get angry and put your foot down. Placating him is just going to encourage this garbage behavior.

 

[QueenBlue22]

I just called my EAP and set my son and I up with Counselling. Should have something in place by Friday.
It is garbage behavior. It is abuse.
I'm just not strong enough to withstand the onslaught of firepower he comes at me with. I'm hoping therapy will help me see that I don't have to put up with his treatment of me. It's not fair.

Everyone else sees him as a saint, hard working, grew up out of a tough childhood to do so well for himself. It's all a façade. He's ignoring me still. sent an email and 2 text messages. Nothing...crickets...I'm terrified of what is in store for me tonight.

 

[Survivor3]

I just called my EAP and set my son and I up with Counselling. Should have something in place by Friday.
It is garbage behavior. It is abuse.
I'm just not strong enough to withstand the onslaught of firepower he comes at me with. I'm hoping therapy will help me see that I don't have to put up with his treatment of me. It's not fair.

Everyone else sees him as a saint, hard working, grew up out of a tough childhood to do so well for himself. It's all a façade. He's ignoring me still. sent an email and 2 text messages. Nothing...crickets...I'm terrified of what is in store for me tonight.

if he gets physical then call the police. You've made the first important steps. Well done.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Don’t engage, don’t escalate. Remove yourself from the situation if he gets aggressive... even if it’s just verbal.

Do not give him any ammunition... he fabricates enough on his own. Don’t help him.

 

[QueenBlue22]

He is sitting here next to me on beer #4...telling me that he has nothing to say to me...

Good times...guess my punishment isn’t up just yet.

 

[Justmehere]

I’m so sorry you are going through this. You are overlooking something fairly significant I’d like to point out. It might be helpful. (If not, please disregard.)

His workplace took him off the job and ordered counseling. Police departments don’t do that when they think everything is completely ok with someone.

Studies have shown that 33 percent of active duty police have full blown PTSD, 50 percent have symptoms, but they are not all getting pulled off the job. Your husband is on the radar of law enforcement for not being ok. They know him to have behavioral problems that caused them to go against the usual blue line and pull him out of the ranks. You describe everyone thinking he is great but that’s clearly not the case. Something went significantly wrong for them to do what they did.

His behavior with you is out of line. It’s crazy making assholerly. You have a right to say no to sex without fear. No. Matter. What.

Another matter being overlooked: The impact on your son. He’s around all of this. He is picking up on it. I used to freak out as a kid about my mother being alone with my father. I would fight going to bed, and be the target of my father’s rage at 6 years old just because I was so scared of him going off on my mom if I went to sleep. It gets to a kid.

It’s wonderful that you and your son are getting into counseling.

How about connecting up with an advocate or lawyer for you? Even if you stay, knowing your options in full may help you navigate the these waters and have more confidence in facing him. This is really hard stuff to go through. Get all the help and advice you can about all the options.

Don’t forget, others have had concerns about his behavior as well - that’s why he’s off the job and ordered into counseling and - that’s not done lightly by law enforcement at all. You are not alone in your concerns. Others have seen problems too. Won’t write off being able to get help and take more action about what’s going on because it seems like everyone else thinks all is ok. It doesn’t actually seem like everyone else does think all is ok with him. You are not alone.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Good... if he has nothing to say to you he can STFU.

 

[Friday]

because I don't know any different. I'm scared. I'm trying to keep the peace.

“Peace is not merely the absence of war but the presence of justice...”
- Albert Einstein, On Peace

Doesn’t sound like there’s any peace in your house to keep.

 

[QueenBlue22]

Doesn’t sound like there’s any peace in your house to keep.

100% true...