Dom Violence Knowing That They're Happy

[Definitely..maybe]

Just a little before hand, I was abused a lot growing up, raped by a family friend when I was 16 and then got into a relationship with a guy in highschool who I ended up being engaged to and living with for a few years. That guy physically abused me (pushing me down stairs, hitting, kicking, dragging, slapping trapping me, knives, guns etc) emotionally abused me, and raped me countless times. Even when I was finally able to escape him he came back and raped me so badly I was put in the hospital. He threatened myself and my family constantly.

It's been a little over a year now since my last major incident with him and I struggle an incredible amount- both physically and with ptsd (had it before him). Everything has changed for me, my school, my work, my independence.

But I know he's happy now. Not because I creep on him (I've deleted every social media outlet I had and have given up mutual friends) but information still seeps out here and there. And I can't make myself forget certain dates or things about him. His birthdays coming up and that kills me, because I know how happy he will be and while he's celebrating I'll be mourning for an abuse anniversary. This might be awful of me but I hate the thought of him being happy. He doesn't deserve that when I have to suffer these consequences so greatly.

Sorry for how lengthy that was. How do you guys cope?

 

[macbeth]

I don't think I coped well unfortunately. I do understand the anger though. It feels like we're the ones who get the life sentence and they suffer no repercussions whatsoever. It still bothers me even after many years that he only got a slap on the wrist by the justice system yet I'm still here struggling. The only thing that I could do was to focus on my children and raising them the best way I could. It does get better I promise. :hug: Hang in there!

 

[J_trustno1]

@Definitely..maybe : really sorry to hear what you have been through. Although I didn't have that kind of experience in a relationship because I never allowed men coming closer to me physically because of childhood sexual abuse. However, I have been hurt by emotional affairs and that hurts like hell when you are dealing with so much from childhood abuse. I have dealt with domestic violence and I still hate the presence of my abusers.

This is how i deal with it:

I avoid all the people that hurt me. I avoid there physical appearance and yes, they are still in my head but I try distracting myself. You would be better off keeping yourself busy on those anniversary dates so that day goes well for you. Do something that take 100% of your concentration. The things that take away my concentration are: hanging out with people who don't relate to those abusers, exercising, swimming and yoga! Do something productive instead of having a free day and being stuck in that emotional downfall.

I hope this helped. And I am really sorry to see you going through all that own your own. Please take care of yourself and be kind to yourself. If you wish to talk, you can PM me.

 

[Definitely..maybe]

Thank you both for sharing your experiences and ideas! I just appreciate getting that out there and knowing people here are willing to listen and care. :hug:

 

[Hashi]

But I know he's happy now.

Really? Or do you know that's the front he puts on for the world and perhaps for himself too?

I can't believe that anyone who does that, or who has done that, can be happy. Think about it from their point of view. Hmmm, I needed to try to devalue another human being over and over again because I feel so great about myself. Or: oh yes, remember how I repeatedly abused, terrorised and raped that person... that's water under the bridge now, my life is so great! Not a care in the world!

Denial, delusion, pretence, front - yes. Happy? I seriously doubt it.

 

[macbeth]

We are when you need us @Definitely..maybe.

 

[Definitely..maybe]

@Hashi great point! I really don't even have a good response because that was extremely well put. I would like to think he feels remorse. I guess I just hate that his life gets to move on.

@macbeth thank you:)

 

[austint]

My husband took full custody of my daughter after he raped me, and my divorce attorney didn't show any of the evidence, or let single witness testify, so the judge punished and humiliated me. He gave my ex full custody and would not allow us to have visitation meet ups at the police station any more. My mom encouraged me to commit suicide after it all went down. I kept fighting and focusing on the little time I knew I had left with my daughter and trying to get her strong enough to get help because he was threatening with his guns and no one cared so my time was almost up.

Now my mom is the only one from my family who sees or speaks with my daughter, and when the police told me about a child abuse report someone made on him, that he claimed was my false report, they said all the babies were ok. So I am guessing he has other kids now.My lawyer never helped me get back all of the furniture and appliances that were mine, I was forced to sign over the house because my lawyer never would answer my questions about using it to help pay my legal bills, I was no longer allowed to take my child on field trips or to the dentist once they identified trauma in her mouth from suspected abuse, I was no longer allowed to take her to therapy.

Every single second of every day is pain, I owe thousands because of all the leases I have broken because everywhere I move he finds me and rapes me and the police don't care. I hate that he and my mother- my two worst abusers- the two I worked hardest to protect my child from are the ones in her life and get to share in the joy of her growing up. They don't deserve
her, and they will kill her kindness and destroy her mind because that is what they do to feel good, and it does make them feel good. My ex husband only ejaculated when I was hurt or crying.

How can I deal with that? They like my pain, I can't let go of that. I am so tired of being told to focus on me and move on, but the only way to move on is to rescue my child and protect us both from those sociopaths!

It isn't fair that we are the victims and we have to suffer more because we had the balls to leave and to say no. The justice system and social stigma are so behind, it's not just exacerbating, but the hopelessness of it is overwhelming.

 

[Definitely..maybe]

@austint I have no words other than to tell you how incredibly sorry I am that you have had to and still continue to endure all that. You are one amazingly strong lady. I have hope that you will make it through and someone will finally be of good help to you. If you need anything please let me know.

 

[austint]

Thanks, today was really hard, but tonight was the best night in over a year, since before my daughter left. It was still empty and missing us girls, us, together, but it was ok and I smiled and meant it. Thanks for the words of encouragement. I am sorry for the senselessness of it all, because I hear stories from other victims that are so much worse than mine, I want to slam my foot so hard it shakes up everyone with the power to help so they get their butts in gear and do something.

(Silently screaming profanities and aggravated utterances inside my head very very very loudly!)

I am not an amazing lady, but thanks none the less, I just want to be normal and not different, I don't want this burden, I just want to be a normal mom in the suburbs going to soccer practice, stupid I know, but it is my dream. I can't tell what gender you are, but I am sure you are an amazing person yourself.

It is a lot harder to come at this thing with hope than it is with empty. So good for you.

 

[Definitely..maybe]

@austint I'm so sorry again for all that you've gone through, but glad you had a better night.

My worst nightmare that I have repeatedly is that my ex didn't cause me to have a miscarriage from doing awful things and instead I had a beautiful child who he takes from me as soon as possible. That's my worst nightmare. So I can't even imagine your pain. But I really have to have faith something will work for you. Gosh, I hope so. You're in my prayers.

Thanks again for all your replies guys:)

 

[Spider]

The happiness of my biological father (who was emotionally and verbally abusive) and my ex (who was both of the above plus physically tormented me) is something that lingers in my head every day. While I'm struggling just to appear normal on the outside I can't help but picture their sick, twisted faces in smiles they don't deserve to have. It's not easy. When those thoughts overcome me I just think of my boyfriend now and how he's the polar opposite of both of those monsters. I know I deserve the happiness I have with him, and that my abusers don't deserve to feel that way. I also think of my mom and how we're both better off without my "sperm donor", as I like to call him. She was married to him and lived a lie for 24 years. I think of her and remember she's the reason why I decided not to end my life after the abuse at the hands of my ex.