Samantha_38
Confident
Bare with me here, as I was having a hard time deciding what topic area to place this under. It seems I have about 5+ new-ish issues all going on at the same time causing me to go from a place where I was feeling better than I had in a couple years, to really bad again...and almost all of them have a separate topic area.
This started when I had to travel for school, maybe a little before. My T had started being really unavailable. Rarely would I be able to get in on a weekly basis. Several times I stated I was having a hard time with that, but unlike what he used to do, he was no longer working with me to get scheduled. Then I left for school. I was out of state, so unable to see him at all. But he had said before leaving to keep him updated. Well I did, and things got bad. He was of no support during that time though, just to say I'll see you when you get back. Well, we set up a time to meet when I was going to be back on the weekend, and then the day before he said he couldn't meet. I was crushed, and really holding out for that appointment. Like just getting by until I could get there. 2 months I was gone.
Then I got back a month ago, he's seen me once. I was frustrated with all that went on, and it just wasn't a good session. I don't talk much anyways, but it was pretty bad. We schedule another session for this past week, but then I got a call the morning of saying he was sick. Pretty not good again. I had also told him between sessions I wasn't doing well.
Then that evening I got in an accident. It wasn't by any means my fault. This lady was chasing me down, honking her horn for blocks. When I finally pulled off wondering what her deal was she hit us (me and my 2yo son), then drove off. I found out later her license was suspended. Huge triggers dealing with the cops on that one. It wasn't a terrible accident, but I think the part where she was practically chasing us is what triggered me the most. That and my son being in the car. I'm terrible, and now my T can't meet again until next week.
This is getting to be too much. I've been communicating that I'm not good. That I can't hardly drive. I can't focus on anything. I've gone from terrible to worse. I tell him, but he doesn't do anything anymore. He used to fit me in somewhere. I'm cutting like crazy, something that has always been an outlet. I'm doing my hardest not to take a bunch of pills and drink. I would never follow through on suicide and leave my kids all alone, I've vowed to myself and them that I won't be like my parents are leave them; but that's seriously the only thing keeping me alive right now.
I don't know what to do, and all my T says is take care and see you next Wednesday. I honestly have stopped even believing that that's the case. After a full year I just was starting to be able to open up without feeling like I was going to puke. Now I'm back to where we started, and it just keeps getting worse. To top it all off, it's not like I can just go find another person...I'd be just as closed off with them right now. It took me months to work up the courage to contact this T. And if this is how this goes, I don't want another one.
Someone please give me some advice. I'm hanging by a thread.
This started when I had to travel for school, maybe a little before. My T had started being really unavailable. Rarely would I be able to get in on a weekly basis. Several times I stated I was having a hard time with that, but unlike what he used to do, he was no longer working with me to get scheduled. Then I left for school. I was out of state, so unable to see him at all. But he had said before leaving to keep him updated. Well I did, and things got bad. He was of no support during that time though, just to say I'll see you when you get back. Well, we set up a time to meet when I was going to be back on the weekend, and then the day before he said he couldn't meet. I was crushed, and really holding out for that appointment. Like just getting by until I could get there. 2 months I was gone.
Then I got back a month ago, he's seen me once. I was frustrated with all that went on, and it just wasn't a good session. I don't talk much anyways, but it was pretty bad. We schedule another session for this past week, but then I got a call the morning of saying he was sick. Pretty not good again. I had also told him between sessions I wasn't doing well.
Then that evening I got in an accident. It wasn't by any means my fault. This lady was chasing me down, honking her horn for blocks. When I finally pulled off wondering what her deal was she hit us (me and my 2yo son), then drove off. I found out later her license was suspended. Huge triggers dealing with the cops on that one. It wasn't a terrible accident, but I think the part where she was practically chasing us is what triggered me the most. That and my son being in the car. I'm terrible, and now my T can't meet again until next week.
This is getting to be too much. I've been communicating that I'm not good. That I can't hardly drive. I can't focus on anything. I've gone from terrible to worse. I tell him, but he doesn't do anything anymore. He used to fit me in somewhere. I'm cutting like crazy, something that has always been an outlet. I'm doing my hardest not to take a bunch of pills and drink. I would never follow through on suicide and leave my kids all alone, I've vowed to myself and them that I won't be like my parents are leave them; but that's seriously the only thing keeping me alive right now.
I don't know what to do, and all my T says is take care and see you next Wednesday. I honestly have stopped even believing that that's the case. After a full year I just was starting to be able to open up without feeling like I was going to puke. Now I'm back to where we started, and it just keeps getting worse. To top it all off, it's not like I can just go find another person...I'd be just as closed off with them right now. It took me months to work up the courage to contact this T. And if this is how this goes, I don't want another one.
Someone please give me some advice. I'm hanging by a thread.