Learning Curve With Subtle Victim Blaming?

[Seasounds]

I discovered some unexpected biases in Providers, who 99% of the time, do not claim privilege, or ask me to doubt my viewpoint, amidst a disagreement.

This continual awakening out of my numbness of my PTSD frozen slumber, I've recently gone from 'intellectually knowing' what victim blaming is, to being 'inside' those experiences, and/or noticing the lack thereof.

Ah, I am so angry about having been on the receiving end of these experiences, and realizing it, that I want to change my name to "Stands With A Fist". I'm mposting to find out if some of you have been through this learning curve?

My examples:

• A Provider told me, in a rather directive tone, to "forgive' another Provider, for being rude to me! Excuse me, whose side are you on? And if I don't forgive him, am I to blame?

• A Provider told me my point of view was wrong, while we were in disagreement of what a person meant, in their tone of voice. Instead of acknowledging that we both have 'a point of view' and neither of us is wrong or right, the Provider chose the high, analytic, cowardly road. Deflecting, the Provider said, "You sound abandoned." (Instead of, saying, "Yes, it was my mistake to schedule two clients at the same time, and not tell you of the schedule change, sooner, and also to have not verified that you could make the new time."

My learning:

• I am getting over, feeling 'let down'. I didn't see it before. I say to myself, "Welcome, again, to the real world." Victim blaming in small (described here), and big ways.(from my a u users)
• I had thought that Post Modern Psychology and Egalitarian Psychology-respecting all points of view, had cleared the dark ages out of Providers, rather than them teaching them to suppress the client into the victim-who they think doesn't know anything or knows less, had past. Cob webs still exist, in the most respectable Providers-(i.e, we are all human and in a process of growth, no matter what are professional role).
• Now, my role, since I am aware of these dynamics, is to initiate more dialogues,, and take more actions.

What are your examples?

 

[TLight]

When one of my docs was received a subpoena for a disability hearing, next time I saw her, she shook it in front of my face and angrily said, "Do you realize this takes me out of the clinic for a whole day and how much money that is?"

After I got my stomach pumped at a major hospital, they put me in tie downs on a gurney for four hours in a hallway......I asked for some crackers for it felt like my stomach acid was eating me from the inside out. A nurse threw saltines at me as hard as she could from across the hall and hit me in the eye.

My only therapist that I ever trusted gave me a diamond from her grandmother's ring expecting my then boyfriend (who turned out to be an abusive psychopath) to propose to me with it. He dragged his feet for months. She called me and got mad at ME for the situation. I drove over and left it at the front door.

Recently, trying to find a new primary care doc because the last on reduced my meds without even informing me, I brought a one page letter in outlining my traumas and my difficulties with the medical system. The doc refused to read it. I had to 'talk' and was visibly shaking and dissociating. The doc interrupted me and sighed heavily and asked what I wanted from her. I said my periods were extremely painful and flared the fibromyalgia so bad I couldn't function for days and wanted to get on the pill so I wouldn't have them any more and I wanted to talk about an emotional support dog due to a man at my church who wouldn't take No for an answer. I was interrupted again and she said, "No, I will not do that......I don't have the time for it."

After being unable to walk and in excruciating pain after a high fever I was diagnosed with 'fibro' and told there was nothing to be done. I said I can't even stand up long enough to work. She said, well, your family can help me. I said, "my family hates me".......it was written in my records without my knowledge. I asked about disability and she said, "everyone has bad days."

I could go on and on......but then I'd be accused of being negative.

"Black lives matter" is all over facebook these days. Mentally ill lives DO NOT matter........

At this point, I've vowed never to see a doctor again, as the very thought of it leaves me trembling and unable to even get out of bed. I'll be withdrawing from my meds soon.......hoping the 'seizure risk of death' part is true.

 

[TLight]

"reaching out for help" is a very dangerous thing imo. This last time has set me in bed for a week now with major SI.

 

[sun seeker]

When I was 16 I was first suicidal. A neighbour took me to Mental Health where I had an appointment with a woman I've hoped many times since has decided to go into a different profession. She asked me a bunch of questions and then said she didn't understand what my problem was, then sent me home with no followup, where my parents listened to what I was going through as if I were talking about the weather.

Fast forward several years and I'm at the same Mental Health office in a serious emotional crisis and the intake worker looks at me like I'm something ugly on the bottom of her shoe and wants to know why I'm not on antidepressants. I think they have their compassion surgically removed.

After getting up my courage to go to a GP, which I hardly ever do, and asking for sleep medication because I felt sleep would help get my fibromyalgia under control, I was flatly refused and told fibromyalgia is a psychological condition and I needed counseling instead (which I tried to explain I had already done for some time and had not helped my sleep).

We should make a list of all these gems to hand people who urge us to "reach out for help".

 

[TLight]

Yup......its like we are the walking dead, condemned to a life sentence of horrific suffering and blamed for it.

I've only been able to come up with one solution so far. But I'm afraid my post will be deleted.

Just have to say, people with terminal diseases are afforded the option to opt out of the suffering....yet we don't get that choice, in fact, if we talk about we get deleted or locked up in very bad places with very uncompassionate people. My Dad was in a mental hospital for a long while and when they told the patients they had to come in from their outside yard break and it didn't happen immediately, I watched a staff member turn on a fire hose and push them back in with the force of it.

Sorry people.....no way out.

 

[sun seeker]

I'm sorry you are having such a rough time TLight. I don't have a solution for you since you've probably thought of anything obvious yourself. But I feel a lot of compassion for your suffering.

I have felt much the same a lot of times - condemned to a life of suffering and blamed for it. But I am not feeling that bad right now, I'll just say that much.

 

[TeaLeaf]

These posts make me upset at the providers whose job it is to be empathetic to people. This year I was invalidated by a doctor when I had physical problems and she kept asking me what stressful life events I had around the time it started even after I told her multiple times that nothing stressful happened. Nevermind that I had multiple abnormal labs, I guess it is easier to blame it on me being crazy rather than taking a close look at my symptoms and determining what could cause my blood work to be the way it was.

I'm a nurse as well as a PTSD sufferer and TLight, your posts especially grab my attention.

When one of my docs was received a subpoena for a disability hearing, next time I saw her, she shook it in front of my face and angrily said, "Do you realize this takes me out of the clinic for a whole day and how much money that is?"

How cruel to say to a patient who very much needs their disability benefits approved. How sad that she can't see out of her own experience to give you some empathy and support and even worse that she is so concerned about the money.

After I got my stomach pumped at a major hospital, they put me in tie downs on a gurney for four hours in a hallway......I asked for some crackers for it felt like my stomach acid was eating me from the inside out. A nurse threw saltines at me as hard as she could from across the hall and hit me in the eye.

How awful, on behalf of the nursing profession, I'd like to apologize to you. It's too bad that her own limitations caused her to react so aggressive and blaming to you. No one gets to the point of a suicide attempt without severe emotional pain that they are desperately trying their best to cope with and I wish you had had someone there that has shown you some empathy.

A Provider told me, in a rather directive tone, to "forgive' another Provider, for being rude to me! Excuse me, whose side are you on? And if I don't forgive him, am I to blame?

How annoying, telling you to forgive another provider. Pretty invalidating and doesn't get at what your concerns are at all.

 

[TLight]

Thanks for your thoughts TeaLeaf.

At this point, after nearly 25 years of the 'system,' I can't think of one good experience. I usually keep my mouth shut about anything and everything and just pray they refill my meds.

This last incident has had me in bed, dissociated, and seriously considering suicide for a week now (funny how time flies...).
I've no support, no one and I'm not risking that kind of treatment ever again.
I think I've given up on a whole new level...........just really passing time now. I'm 50, so hopefully something will take me down soon if I can't.

I guess it gives me a bit of hope and perhaps a legacy that you might take up the sword for folks like us.

I have managed to earn a masters degree in biology (I can study and take tests fine, just can't do people and work), only take 0.5 mg of klonopin daily, asked for a service dog and my student loans to be dismissed because I can NO longer work (managed for several years, kept ending up in hospital). I'm not an addict, don't even drink........yet I'm treated like a drug-seeking manipulative person trying to cheat the system and a failure at life ever time I've interacted with a health 'care' worker........

I honestly have really given up, and I'm not crying, don't feel hopeless today.......it's sort of like I've just sort of made a decision internally. Either God takes care of me withdrawing from meds and I tolerate the horrible pain of the fibro and out of control anxiety till I'm diagnosed with something terminal......or I just decide another way at some point. I really truly don't care......I'm not angry, not sad, not anything.

Just NOT GOING TO A DOCTOR. Probably not leaving my little cottage for a good while either.......not going back to my Church, where for the first time I felt some actual love, but it's not safe with that 'man' harassing me........had a freakin flashback at the new minister's installation that most! More loss.......oh well. I'm not feeling sorry for myself at all.....it's very strange. Just sort of dead already maybe? Don't know...but I'm ok with it...really.

Perhaps you can show this thread to fellow health 'CARE' workers........but you'd probably get sued or fired. But it would be a nice legacy.......nice to think of anyway.

 

[sun seeker]

@TeaLeaf, thank you for your compassion and kind words to someone who has been so hurt by the "helping" profession. I'd like to say that I know lots of nurses who are caring, decent people, who do an amazing job within the imperfect system they have to work with. Twelve hour shifts must try anyone's patience and by and large, especially with the residents in the care home I visit frequently, the staff are wonderful.

In hospitals things can be very different, and I'm not sure why the difference. There are still lots of caring nurses but there are others that have made me wonder why on Earth they decided to work with people, and a disproportionate number of them in the mental health system. It sounds like @TLight has met way too many of those.

@TLight, I really feel for you and the state you are in. After what you have been through, it's no wonder. I'm not going to try to talk you out of it, I feel that would be disrespectful. I just want to say I identify with feeling like you've given up, like there is no more hope. More resigned than desperate. I spent a few months feeling that way this summer and fall, like I had already tried everything there was to try and I was done. It was almost a relief to get to that point. I wasn't going to do anything about it, it was more of an internal sense of giving up. I was just so tired of trying one thing and another, tired of suffering interminably.

At some point, that feeling lightened. I couldn't say how or why, or that I did anything in particular. I can just say that now my desire to keep trying is stronger than my "given up" feeling, and that occasionally I do find things about life that feel good - a sunset, my cat's antics, a delicious meal. I can't promise that will happen for you, I'm just reaching out with warm and respectful greetings from one who has gotten to the place you are in now, and is not there anymore.

 

[Recovery4Me]

Ah, I am so angry about having been on the receiving end of these experiences, and realizing it, that I want to change my name to "Stands With A Fist"

:hug::roflmao: One of my favorite Native American movie names! I thought your post was fantastic and many can relate!

Yes, I've had those luster lack experiences and completely understand the importance of filtering through providers opinions versus facts. That is why more than one professional opinion is needed until someone is actively listening and can offer a viable resource or steps to resolution.

I do also understand that there are times that it is not possible for a second opinion or additional supplies or assistance within a crisis and both sides have suffered. I have know quite a few surgeons, doctors, nurses whom went to therapy, still take meds for PTSD or changed their occupation because of an horrific emergency situation gone wrong or during combat service.

*personal example proactive: If I had stop seeking assistance...I would not have been led to this site.

*personal example bias: I believe that women have endured in the past much insofar as subtle victim blaming for rapes (attire, are you happily married questions ect).

But one of the things that I believe most of all ...is that if we accept the bias and stop seeking, searching, asking for assistance...then we on one level empowered the bias. If victim blaming is to stop and we are to thrive within our lives ...we must stand with a fist to be counted.

just my 2cents;)

 

[TLight]

Thank you for your words Sun...