Learning Interpersonal Skills

[lostforgottensoul]

So, I've been doing some research on the one set of skills that I, and likley a lot of abused and neglected children did not learn, is interpersonal skills.

I found 2 good sites. I wanted the 3rd to be specifically about written word but I couldn't find anything out there. If you can find one please share

This first one just names them (oddly number 8 about "Emotional Intellegence" was something taught at my job):

https://blog.udemy.com/list-of-interpersonal-skills/

And then the second, since I wanted to know how to learn them without taking some online class, teaches you a bit about them:

http://www.wikihow.com/Develop-Interpersonal-Skills

I'd like to throw this out there because I'm always looking at ways to improve myself, but most especially the most needed but the skills I lack the most. How did you learn or how are you teaching yourself interpersonal skills? Do you still feel you need to learn a lot or do you feel you have it down? I ask that loosely as I realize we can all improve. If you feel you have it down well, is there any tips that you would give someone like me that completely lacks these skills.

Sorry for all the questions but the more input, in my opinion, the better so throw me some stories too, if you'd like, and how you used the interpersonal skill inside of that story.

Lets discuss these skills that so many of us don't learn as children but is so very important in the world.

 

[anthony]

Dead Link Removed

 

[lostforgottensoul]

@anthony thanks! I wasnt thinking of a book. I added that to my wish list.

This one came up when I searched "interpersonsal skills" so I may end up with both. The more the better!

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[Sandstone]

I learned partly by watching people who were good at it. They had to be people I warmed to anyway, because if I was going to emulate them I didn't want to become, for instance, the bleached and made up plastic girl, even if she had lots of friends. They tended to be funny, chatty, warm and generous. I looked at how they behaved, tried to draw out why it worked, and then taught myself to pause and think "How would Amy act in this situation?"

 

[Changing4Best]

I probably lack some of these skills still, even though I am in my mid-60s now. One I came across recently is that you need to walk or move at the same rate the person you are walking with is, when conversing with them. I used to walk too fast for one friend, she walked so slow that it was agonizing for me to slow down to her walking speed. However, these days, I have a 98 year old buddy who I have realized that I have to slow down for. I have to account for his age, his fragility, his walker that helps him to take each step and not fall, and just in general his health and well being. So I slow down for him. I used to not do this, I would walk ahead of the person I was walking with and conversing with and try to get them to keep up with me. It is a matter of patience too, I guess. You need to be patient and wait for someone to answer you, and sometimes that can take an hour or sometimes it can take a minute! You never know, when you ask a question of someone, how long their answer might be, or even if they ever do get around to answering you at all. You need to be forgiving of folks quirks and their differences from you and your quirks and differences.

Then there is accepting another's mood. Even if they are angry or upset (often their upset may not have anything to do with you!) and you will have to just give them some space. By space, I mean time to settle down, just by listening to them and not butting in or finishing sentences for them or anything like that. They may rattle on for 5 minutes or longer. Just listen. Therapists are paid to do this, but we can do it for others too. To be a "good listener" is such a blessing and so rare in this world.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

@Sandstone thats how i learned at 18 on how to conduct myself at a job (i honestly didnt know this), and to do most of what I know but to learn interpersonal skills from others, i dont have contact with others (which i suppose thats also where practicing it poses difficulty). The 2 have have contact with do the opposite, something like "outerpersonal skills". It is a good idea as ive learned everything else I learned in the world i did so bg mimicking others. I just have to find someone(s) to learn from.

@SheilaKathy i never heard of walking at the same pace as interpersonal skills, you're right that some walk so slow that you cant seem to and im so glad that the elderly man taught you to slow down!

Physically thats not an issue, i have tremdious chrinic pain and its hard to walk.

Emotionally thats not so easy so maybe trying this on my emotions, slow down emotionally Not interpersonal skills but would help me and would help me communicate too.

Waiting and being patient for an answer and listening are very important. In real life, believe it or not, im a quieter. I talk a lot to customers (call center) but in person im like the coiled up inside person that mostly listens anyway.

I do know that theres a difference in hearing and listening, or whats called actively listening. Ive got that down pat along with with empathsizing (at work I do it differently). The remainder though i need to learn. Not for my job but just to being a good or mostly good communicator in general.

Those two books looked great, the 2nd site i found looks good, mimiking is great and need to listen more and learn to shut up more. I like the pause. Whether its a pause for an answer or pause to answer/respond. Pausing is always good.

 

[barefoot]

I think a really important skill when interacting with others is being able to pick up cues from other people. I guess I mean in a "social etiquette" kind of way. Things like:

- When is it ok to join another conversation and when would it be considered rude/inappropriate/interrupting?
- When is it your turn to speak and when is it your turn to listen?
- When are people engaged with you and what you have to say and when are you hogging a conversation?
- When is a silence ok/comfortable and when is it a sign that one or both of you is uncomfortable?
- When is it time to wrap the conversation up and move on so you're not out staying your welcome and making things a bit awkward?

I suppose these are quite subtle things that require you to read a situation/person and therefore they're more difficult to learn than some other more straightforward communication skills. Especially difficult for people with boundary issues. And made more difficult by the fact that most people are polite - so most people probably wouldn't turn round and blatantly say "Ok, so I think our conversation is done now - please leave!" ;-) So, if you don't pick up on the cues, it's likely that no one will point this out to you (because they don't want to be rude or make things feel more awkward) so then you don't realise something's gone "wrong" and then you end up repeating the same behaviour. I'm saying "you" to mean "one" throughout this post btw - not meaning that you do all this @lostforgottensoul ;-)

So, in terms of what to do about these sorts of skills - I guess it's really about conscious awareness and observation. Being awareness and looking out for cues that the other person is no longer engaged/is feeling awkward. Things like long breaks in eye contact, a change in the way that they're smiling/laughing which maybe suggests it's forced and that they're feeling uncomfortable. Or lots of looking at their watch. Or a slight frown before a big forced smile could signify you've interrupted and they're not pleased about it but now they're trying to look polite and like it's ok.

And as a couple of others have said, listening is key. Really listening! Because listening isn't just waiting to speak! And active listening skills that "prove" you're listening are a good start - but it is still possible to go through the motions with some of those things (lots of head nodding and "uh huh etc) and still not be listening at all. And most people know straight away when someone isn't really listening to them. I think you need two key things to truly listen well:

- To be genuinely interested in and curious about the person who's speaking and what they have to say.

- The ability to focus fully on them - and not to focus on the internal dialogue that's running in your own head in response to them at the same time that they're speaking. We all do this - listening to someone else triggers our own thoughts, memories, associations, opinions, judgements. It's normal. But it's not good listening and it generally leads to us either switching off and not hearing them because we start listening to ourself more, or to us interrupting to blurt out something that's popped in our own head. So, if you can practise dialling down your own running commentary and stay focused on the other person, they will really feel and appreciate that deep listening you're offering them. And that's a very precious gift for someone. The ability to really listen will take you far in your connections with other people - people are generally desperate to be truly heard and mout people aren't great at listening at a very deep level.

 

[mary1979]

So perfectly put @barefoot.

Read what barefoot wrote LFS, and then read it again.
Awesome advice.

You're just always in such a hurry.
Like you get a tiny taste of healing and then rush ahead at a million miles an hour, desperate to share it with the world.

I always struggled with hearing others in my 20s.
My social skills were shot.
I'd been isolated for so long it was bursting out of me.

Often something someone said would trigger a memory for me and then id be busy thinking of telling that story and vague out on the other person altogether before they were done.
I really had to work on that.

Same as my brains automatic responses to something uncomfortable.
Which is why I wont use chat, it moves too quickly and I am forcing myself to stop, think about it all first, decide if I can live with myself after its been said and then type.


Words just fall out of me with no filter and I would beat myself up with the shame for a month for saying something inappropriate.
Sometimes now I find myself half way through a reply and think half this isn't needed, im blabbering away to myself and forgot my point.
Sometimes ill decide not to post at all, other times I dont even realise until its already out there in all its glory.

 

[Changing4Best]

I think sometimes I have said something like, "Is it OK if I join into your conversation, it sounds so interesting?" or something like that. This might be a way to join in and not to be rude. I'd do this only if it were not about some kind of personal thing that they were talking about! (Or writing about).

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Holy shit @barefoot thats a lot lol.

I figured I had great active listening skills as my job calls for that but now that I think of it, two things come to mind:

1) Im completely different at work, compartmentalized & a lot of the mental "boxes" numbed so I can work. Its something i automatically did to function at 18 and have no clue how to "un-numb" some of the box though I think they are doing that automatically hense my highly increased anxiety at work.

2) Even at work someone on the other end of the phone can say something that triggers my mind to wander. Ive actually have to actively be typing something about their issue in wordpad, looking something up etc. but I do often have to say "ok what device are you on again" and I'll make up some dumbass excuse for forgetting. I rarely ask them to repeat the issue but at times I have.

So though this would apply moreso outside of work, I realize that though my job is endlessly putting out trainings on active listening, its something I need to work on still.

Beyond work, the list you put out is all the things i have to work on, and then some. Im always saying something at the wrong time and usually something stupid at the wrong time. I think a lot of it is i dont look in people's eyes, I cant. I look right above between their eyes so it looks like im making eye contact but i have an issue then at seeing other facial queues. I can practice on my step mom, my dad is forever talking, never even hearing let alone listening, and forever intrupting. It wouldnt be good to practice with him I dont think.

You're just always in such a hurry.
Like you get a tiny taste of healing and then rush ahead at a million miles an hour, desperate to share it with the world.

I can agree with that. I used to stop and read and try to process before replying but it didnt last long. So something Im trying to do again and be actively aware of when im typing, what, and how much. Trying to.

Being in a hurry, I think that has a ton to do with 7 yrs in therapy and 6 and a half i feel was wasted so I almost feel like I need to catch up to where i should be if i were to go from now to 6 yrs from now, if that makes sense. I am trying to slow down as I end up burning out. So something im actively trying to do.

I find myself half way through a reply and think half this isn't needed, im blabbering away to myself and forgot my point.

I do that, actually I did that before too so apparently I need to delete more. I am now trying to stay aware of the topic (i know it sounds stupid but i mentally remind myself what the thread is about & the topic) and then re-read deleting anything not directed to that point. I did put one thing in a spoiler code and will be using that more but if i think about it, its not really needed much if I stay focused on the entire point. I think that's my brain wandering and not keeping it in my brain...maybe?

Working on it! ;)

"Is it OK if I join into your conversation, it sounds so interesting?"

Ive said that or some verison of that but i normally (in real life) hang back and not join in as i have this fear of approaching people. Not that i think i will get hurt at work on a break but i just have this huge fear of interupting or something, like they will be mad that i butted in or was listening or something. Not sure. I think that goes along with my fear of people.

Def some good replies and ideas and I realize i need to work on way more than I knew.

 

[Changing4Best]

@lostforgottensoul I think when you are complimenting them by saying it sounds so interesting or something of that sort, they would not feel you are being rude or anything. This is just my opinion, but I have not found a problem with it in the past that I can recall.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

@SheilaKathy i agree that you arent being rude, its the most polite way to do that, I think thats just a me thing, wanting to be part of the wall rather than join an intresting conversation. Now that i think of it, I think thats more my fear of rejection than my fear of people as i wont converse with people i know unless they start the conversation.

Another thing to work on. Polietly join an intresting conversation with some co-workers! Now its sounding like a bucket list lol.