Learning To Breathe Now

[nicoleanne06]

I have kept quite a bit of my story to myself or would share little snippets to certain people. I have shut off so much of my past to try to escape it. I am hoping to be able to get my story out on here to possibly help reduce some shame, anxiety, stress, etc about my traumas and past. There may be some triggers if anyone is sensitive to reading events.

I am 26 but have seen quite a bit of life. My story includes quite a bit unpleasant events.

As young as I can remember I had always felt different. I struggled with depression from a very young age, self injury, drug and alcohol addiction and eating disorder all between 15 and 16. Shortly after at 17, I was raped for the first and second time. This situation is something that I have shut completely off from. I acknowledge that it happened but a year later I would say that it had happened but that I had moved on from it and that I was ok. Bottom line is, that was my virginity and I have never "gotten over it". I have never worked through everything with the rape and wouldn't allow a therapist in to help the process. Any time I have told my story, it is like I am reading it from a book. I haven't ever been able to connect emotions and feelings to the situation. I am sure if you know anything about addicts/those with eating disorders it can be very difficult for them to feel.

I have been sober 7 years and started recovery from my eating disorder about 4.5 years ago. I have had quite a few slips and lapses with my eating disorder but have stayed clean all 7 years. I am hoping that putting up a journal can possibly help me work through some emotions about my past.

 

[SeanCharles]

Welcome to the forum! I am pleased to be the first responder. You will find here some very understanding and honest people here. You are brave by beginning this diary which is a big first step! Thanks for sharing.

 

[nicoleanne06]

I have been feeling quite broken and unlovable lately. I have returned to old behaviors of having meaningless sex with guys because that is what I had made myself believe my value was. After being raped the first time, I believed lies of the fact of my not deserving to be loved and treated well. That my pleasure is meaningless. That sex is meant for males pleasure only and that I am worthless to a male.

My motivation for finishing the last 2 weeks of classes is verrrrrry small right about now! The positive is that my flashbacks are less frequent and I haven't dissociated in a week but the intrusive memories are still pretty bad. I am so tired of being disconnected from how I feel and allowing someone to be close to me.