Leaving my boyfriend and his husband after holidays soon, loneliness hits

[alexpritzz3234]

Hi everyone. Notes: I'm in polyamorous relationship, I had experience of weed abuse, I have severe issues with lonelyness.

So basically I've been spending the last 3 weeks with my boyfriend, at his house, with his husband, other partners and their children. We live in different countries and I only have the opportunity to see him on holidays. We are in a relationship like this for around 6.5 years.
Ofc I miss him, but we are always in touch, calling each other every day, having videocalls, chatting and so on and so forth. We even had a one year gap in seeing each other due to covid-19 restrictions.
But the holidays I'm having now are the longest time we've spent together in person. It's been 3 weeks, and I can't imagine how I'll manage to return back home. I live alone there, only with a cat, all my acquantances are going to be on their holidays still cause it's a semester break in my uni. I'm scared that I'll relapse back into weed abuse (it's been 3 weeks of me being fully clean in the last 4-5 years of daily smoking) out of loneliness and won't be able to stop again. I'm nervous that I might turn to self-harm again too, if the feeling of loneliness gonna be unbearable. I already will panick, anxiety and intimidation of once again experiencing the pain of being on my own. I can't imagine how am I going to spend my days, because most of the time I just stay at home and don't come out for weeks except doing groceries or going to the weedshop. I'm also overeating when I'm alone, of which again I'm free for the last 3 weeks. Because of all those feelings I can't focus on the present and spend the last 4 days having high-quality time - I already feel how I'll remember it and cry in my dorm apartment, feeling small and helpless once again.

I feel so much protected and cared about when I'm at my boyfriend's or when I'm being around him. He's also 35 years older than me, so he's partially re-parenting me aside with our romantic and sexual relationship. He's sweet, gentle, caring, he's super protective. Even when we don't communicate directly, it's such a pleasure to be able to work on the laptop at his home office together, being able to stand up and hug him once in an hour and continue to do our stuff. Also I was constantly having intense, vivid nightmares, I woke up from screaming, I'm scared that once I'll leave, it will go back to usual. Now when we fall asleep together, he hugs me, I feel his warmth and protection and I don't have these nightmares. My bf also wakes me up if I begin to speak or whine in my sleep (this happens before the phase of active nightmare screaming).

In general, I feel super frustrated. I broke up with the partner I had in my city due to my weed abuse; there are no close people there at all now. I feel like I'm standing at the edge of the abyss.
What would you recommend to do, what would you do yourself? What might help in such a situation? How can I adapt to my state without using drugs or harming myself, what might give me a relief to go through the pain of alienation and abandonment?

Thanks in advance and I wish you all inner peace.

 

[Riley Jones]

Hey, I hear you loud and clear—this sounds incredibly tough, that mix of pure joy in the moment crashing right up against this deep dread of going back to that empty space alone. It's so valid to feel that ache, especially after these three weeks of feeling truly held and safe in such a nurturing dynamic. You've already shown real strength holding off the weed for this long, and sharing all this here takes guts too. That protective warmth from your boyfriend, the shared routines, the nightmare-free sleeps... it's no wonder leaving feels like stepping into an abyss.

If I were in your shoes, I'd start small to bridge that gap—maybe pack up a little piece of this time to take home, like a photo of you two working side by side, or his favorite mug or a playlist you made together, just something tangible to hug when the loneliness spikes. I'd lean hard into your cat as that steady little anchor; extra cuddle sessions or playtime could fill some of those quiet evenings without feeling forced. For the days ahead, I'd map out super gentle "must-dos" to keep from spiraling into isolation—like a daily walk to the park or market (even if it's just for fresh air and people-watching), or setting a timer for one fun thing, like blasting music and dancing silly in your dorm while making a simple meal you enjoy. Overeating hits me too in lonely stretches, so portioning out treats ahead or pairing them with a call to your boyfriend might help ride that wave.

Reaching out online more, even if it's not in-person close folks—maybe forums like this, poly communities, or apps for quick chats—could ease that abandonment sting without the pressure of deep bonds right away. And for the nightmares, that co-sleeping magic is gold, but at home, I'd try a weighted blanket or some white noise mimicking his breathing if it feels right, just to recreate a sliver of safety.

You're not starting from zero; you've got 6.5 years of connection to draw from, daily calls that keep the thread alive, and this clean streak proving you can protect yourself. It'll hurt, yeah, but you've adapted through gaps before, and this time you can build in more buffers. Hang in there—you're cared for even from afar. What's one tiny thing you're thinking of trying first? Here if you want to chat more. Gentle hugs.