Lee's Mental Imagery

[anthony]

Great work Lee... very good to see. Before that rock, there is another obstacle, what is it and please describe it?

 

[Lee]

This is so wierd. It is a little kitten. A little greay kitten like the one we lost in 2005 (which I think triggered W's really bad depression and withdrawal the first time).....but we had that cat for 13 years, he was the same age as our eldest daughter. He was mauled by 3 dogs next door and W saw him at the vet before he died. It is not him though...or maybe it's him but as a kitten. This one is really cute and kind of cheeky....he was big and tough. He wants me to pick him up and take him with me.

 

[anthony]

Lee, is the kitten pleasant, or unpleasant? What would you do with the kitten, being how would you treat it?

 

[Lee]

The kitten is cute and adorable with intelligent eyes. When I look into it's eyes I know that the two of us are soul mates and that we can commuicate non verbally and that this kitten was meant to go on my journey with me. I pick it up and it snuggles into me, purring, as I continue on twoards the picket fence.

 

[anthony]

Lee, would it be more accurate to then say, that maybe you want someone to pick you up, to caress you, care for you, support you and generally take care of you emotionally? Likely from your partner?

 

[Lee]

Yes, I think that you are spot on Anthony. I went to see counsellor today and she said that a lot of my problems stem from having a very poor self esteem, and I thought that I had very high self esteem. I always present well, have great kids, a lovely house, a good job...I have achieved lots n my life and career, but because of my early abuse by Mother am left with very poor self esteem and as W is my only support network, I place lots of pressure on him to love me unconditionally and if I sense any form of rejection I freak out....and I block him out or treat him in a 'snooty' way....I guess you'd put it. This then triggers him to block me out and treat me in an angry and aggresive way and so on and so on. We are both going to see her tomorrow to try and work thu some stuff. Thaks, you have been a great support.

 

[anthony]

Do you see that revolving cycle you mentioned Lee? Your low self esteem makes you feel dependant upon him, thus you demand from him... where if you work towards improving your self esteem, you would be functional as an individual, and instead of being demanding within your relationship, you would simply be best friends, which is the idea of a relationship, to simply be best friends, be there for one another, but not depend on the other, instead stand on your own two feet, and them also, then you come together to stand as one.

 

[Lee]

How do I even start to do that ? As I said I thought I had good self esteem. I have everything that I could ever have wished to have at my time in life....I feel that I have been a success in many, many ways. Only that now my relationship with W is trashed.

 

[anthony]

What you have in your life has nothing to do with self esteem and confidence. Money, possessions and people don't create self esteem, instead it is created by how people are raised by their parents, how a person is treated in life. Now most are not treated all that well, but good enough to get by, however; a person can change their self esteem at any time if they want. The military do it to each and every recruit that makes it past the first week or two. The small amount who don't make, generally have such low self esteem, they portray themselves when pushed as useless, gutless, not willing to really put in a hard effort, 110%; instead they say things like, "I can't do it" or "It hurts, I must rest", and the list goes on. These are all signs of low self esteem. Most people do not have a high self esteem, especially females. Males are more predominant with self esteem, because it is a direct reflection from confidence. Males are generally more confident than females. Females are generally more emotional than males. Balancing act if you like.

There are threads within the [DLMURL="http://www.ptsdforum.org/forum20.html"]Interpersonal Skills[/DLMURL] information forum, which deal directly with self esteem and related self esteem / confidence building. To build confidence is to give everything you do 110%, and if you fail to not beat yourself up about it, but too learn from it. What are the facts to this problem? This type of thinking is proactive, where people look at all possibilities within what they do, generally try most things they feel are mentally or physically challenging, to push oneself beyond what they thought where their limits... is what builds self esteem.

Its like having to people over-weight. One is truly happy with their weight, and if remarked the remarks simply slide off, because they truly know they are a beautiful person, regardless of looks. The second person thinks they are confident, and when told they are over-weight, becomes aggressive, condescending, spiteful, etc. No doubt you have heard it all before...

Big difference in how both those examples see themselves, to how a remark or statement hurts one, but truly not the other, not just words, but actual true feelings inside, which is self esteem and self confidence. The one with high self esteem are reinforcing to themselves that they are smart, they have skills, they are good at this and that, they have friends who truly love them for being them, and the list goes on. When such a remark is made, they simply look at the person, and are already telling themselves that this person must be kidding themselves if they somehow think they are better than me, we are equal... so thought, but the person making the remark likely has low self esteem in the first place, hence trying to garnish an attack, so they can show others how nothing hurts them.

Just really take a good look at people around you, and look deep into how they respond to life, to others... then tell me if they truly have a high self esteem, tell me if they truly believe they are worthwhile, and are equal to all other human beings!