Lessons....need your collective brain power

[Warrior Chicken]

I’ve been trying to figure out a way to do this but I’m not too sure how, so just looking for some advice or different perspectives.
My T asked me to work on extracting the lessons from some of my traumas. He said we don’t need to go over specifics of the trauma, just the lessons.

I have an aversion to going over the specifics currently. Mostly because it floods my system and I can’t handle the fallout right now. In a nutshell. And he’s aware of that part.

The thing I can’t wrap my head around is, how do I go over the lessons without causing the reaction that I know will come just by stating the lesson learned?

It’s like a rubix cube to me and doesn’t want to line up.

 

[UnicornSightings]

If you don’t want to do it then don’t. There’s no gun to your head. A lot of people find seeing the lessons in bad moments to be really empowering so I think that’s all he’s trying to do. If you think even trying to find lessons will send you down a dark place you can’t ever come back from then don’t. Or do it there, with his support. Or ask for a different assignment.

 

[Muted]

Is he trying to get you to see the positive that has come from it? I would hope that he’s not trying to place responsibility on you for your trauma.

 

[EveHarrington]

I’m confused about the “lesson” terminology.

Can you please explain what this means?

Thanks.

 

[Friday]

I like the lessons bit. Hits both triggers/stressors, as well as distortions you’ll wanna work on, core beliefs you may or may not wanna work on, as well as solid things you wanna keep. Anything and everything you learned in trauma. No matter how right or wrong the lesson is. Sweet.

The thing I can’t wrap my head around is, how do I go over the lessons without causing the reaction that I know will come just by stating the lesson learned?

I do that all the time, actually. Let’s me flank my issues. So that I can actually work on shit that needs sorting, without losing my everlovin mind. Basically, I look at what’s a problem in my life, presently. Not all trace back to trauma, but the ones that do have a bit of a feel to them. Normal problems tend to weigh a bit less. Anyhow, I can look at what’s up with me right here, right now, target certain areas, and work on them. It takes longer / is a bit backwards from going after the root cause... but I figure it’s better than nothing. And, more often than not, it makes the root cause a little less spikey. But I don’t think about that part too much.

One that I’m working on right now, for example, is “showing weakness is wrong”. I don’t have to come within 10 miles of where I learned that, to recognize it as a thing of mine, nor to look for ways to counter it. (Ie where is showing weakness not wrong?) If I want to I can look at where that came from, but I don’t have to.

 

[scout86]

extracting the lessons from some of my traumas.

I actually like this approach too. (And got a homework assignment like this once also.)

I'm not sure there's even anything that says the "lessons" have to be accurate. Like, :"One of the the things I learned is that I'm never going to trust anyone, ever again!" (Obviously, these lessons are going to depend on what you've "learned" along the way here.) The example I just gave is something I've thought rather often. But, it might be a bit black & white, so maybe I'd rather say I've learned to be careful who I trust. Or, maybe not.

Maybe you learned you can survive things you wouldn't have thought you could survive. Think about it and I'm sure you can come up with things.

I'm not sure what the reason for the assignment is. There's a concept called "post-traumatic growth" that might have something to do with it, or, maybe, your T is just interested in insight into your idea of what you've learned, good, bad, or otherwise. I think it's possible to come up with lessons that don't demand going over details of trauma.

 

[Warrior Chicken]

Thanks for all the feedback! Way harder to figure sh/t out on my own...

@Muted he just does trauma therapy so I’m certain he wants me to see the positive, but I’ve told him my “lessons” are likely distorted so he wants to touch on that part I think.

@EveHarrington i think what is meant by my T regarding “lessons” is like what @Friday said about cognitions about the trauma, good or bad....whether I feel I’m to blame, that I’m evil, deserved it, failed to protect others, etc

Anyhow, I can look at what’s up with me right here, right now, target certain areas, and work on them.

I don’t have to come within 10 miles of where I learned that, to recognize it as a thing of mine, nor to look for ways to counter it. (Ie where is showing weakness not wrong?) If I want to I can look at where that came from, but I don’t have to.

I want to be what you explain here, but I’m not yet. I know it’s gonna take hard work cuz I know you worked damn hard to get there. Just seems far away and hard to grasp at the moment. It’s good to know that you got there, and if I want to then I can too.

I think it's possible to come up with lessons that don't demand going over details of trauma.

I’m gonna work on that part....still have a week to wrap my brain around this.
Right now it’s like a crack in the windshield, I can do the main chip briefly, but then it spiders out across everything...and I can’t see straight after :banghead:

 

[Friday]

I want to be what you explain here, but I’m not yet. I know it’s gonna take hard work cuz I know you worked damn hard to get there. Just seems far away and hard to grasp at the moment. It’s good to know that you got there, and if I want to then I can too

You might find some in here, as a short cut. :)

https://www.myptsd.com/threads/10-primary-cognitive-distortions-negative-thinking-styles.51948/

 

[Suzetig]

I have an aversion to going over the specifics currently. Mostly because it floods my system and I can’t handle the fallout right now. In a nutshell. And he’s aware of that part.

I'm guessing that, given this, he's trying to make sure your time in therapy is worthwhile - so rather than tackle this head on he's giving you a way to think around the trauma without talking about it.

Talking around it helps to desensitise the memory because you don't need to look at it directly - which may cause flooding - but does mean it's still in the room. It avoids the "weekly reporting" thing where you just talk through your week and what's happened and let's you work at a deeper level more safely.

Instead of lessons you've learned, it might help you to think about the kind of person you are now and how your trauma influenced that - good and bad. So, for me, in incredibly resilient as a direct result of my trauma. That's a great thing because it literally kept me alive and lets me function in adult life - I learned I could survive real adversity. The flip side is that I learned never to ask for help so I have to do it all by myself. So something growthful (resilience) with a bit of a sting in the tail.

It's not always easy to identify which world views or characteristics are trauma based so your starting point could be just thinking about the kind of person you are and talking about that in therapy.

Good luck.

 

[Freida]

Lessons learned -- both good and bad. If it's similar to what my T had me do, it's a way to approach a bad situation sideways, kind of like @Friday said. If I understand it correctly it is a way to get your brain seeing the trauma in a bigger picture so it isn't so.... wrapped up in it?

Try thinking of something you learned from the trauma that you incorporated into your life today that makes sense to you to keep using

Start simple -- Like something I did after the military that I didn't do before was avoid sitting with my back to a door. Why? I learned a lesson once about what might come through the door and surprise me. I don't have to go back into what happened but I notice a lesson I learned that may not be necessary in the "today" that I need to be aware of. Automatic thoughts and all that....

 

[Ronin]

how do I go over the lessons without causing the reaction

(Still likely to cause reaction, heads up. Because separating life altogether, once lived, don't work) -
Have you thought of where it moved you?
As in stating what's it brought to you, where it moved you in life in terms of how you relate to everything, how it changed who you are and view and interact with life?

Change, and where to go from that point of what's now, is I figure something the therapist could follow up on, too.

 

[Deleted member 44579]

Hi @Warrior Chicken.. Cool name... The only lesson needed is the people that hurt you are SCUM....

Now as for therapist I don't understand how you can learn lessons without taking in detail, as much as you can remember, what happened to

You..... Which will be horrible, and uncomfortable, and not something you necessarily want to do.

So I'm confused... But if he means triggers..well you will learn them and use them to help you. Please take care..


*Without talking....