Let Me Own These Frustrating Patterns

[doglover]

Need to vent. Had a rough couple of days. Work was traumatizing yesterday and I don't appreciate how my boss responded to me today. And it's calling up all my insecurities about my social style and authority figures and criticism.

I want to be socially savvy. I want to think things through better. I strive to be thoughtful and it comes out self-conscious. I strive to be diplomatic and it blows up in my face.

I want to have a stable sense of myself. I want to be comfortable with having an identity. I want to be comfortable with people not liking me. I don't like every person I ever meet. I want it to be okay if they don't like me either.

I want to chit chat about nothing without getting exhausted over constantly monitoring my emotions while processing social information.

I want to be able to experience the stress of someone screaming at me in a professional setting without going home super tense and having trouble with anxiety the next day.

I want to not take everything so damn seriously.

I want to be able to travel without exhaustion. I want to be able to talk with people and not say something dumb.

I want to be able to handle work situations without getting myself in trouble. I have so much envy for the more experienced personnel who never get the supervisor calling them out for their behavior because their behavior never irks the clients.

I want to have a better relationship with my supervisor... so if something odd happens with a client she isn't saying well, I've heard your side of the story. I will see what the client has to say about what happened. I feel that conveys zero trust and zero positive relationship if my supervisor is not willing to recognize that it is possible in this situation that this person screamed at me over nothing. It stings so bad that she is even looking at it in terms of who is right. How about she looks at it as I was doing the best I could and shit still hit the fan because of the nature of what was being done. How about she cuts me a break or shows me she also sees that I'm busting my ass up there.

I want to not be so serious all the time, so guarded, so "no nonsense" unless someone else is joking around enough that I feel like it will be received well.

I can read facial expressions but why are there so many days where I fail to read them or fail to respond right. I want to let things slide off me more. I want to not have coworkers telling me things are all right. I want to have thicker skin. I want to not be needy. I want to be endearing and charming - but I want to be endearing and charming for more than the first few times I interact with someone.

I want to not beat myself up so much. I want to take criticism better. Which I did today, but I want to be beyond fault. I want to not be chided for areas I'm improving on. I want my supervisor to recognize on her own that this area has improved without me bringing it up.

I've had a ridiculously intense couple of days. Feeling raw and defeated. I myself don't understand why the situation at work happened, but it really sucks to feel like my boss is suspecting that I acted inappropriately. And it sucks when she acts like I'm supposed to know how to be a perfect employee when I haven't been out of school very long. Sucks sucks sucks dammit.

Lopsided feedback hurts and I wish it didn't.

 

[maddog]

Geez DL, I hate the way you always write exactly what I could have written, but a thousand times more eloquently... it leaves me with nothing to say!!!

Sorry, I hope you don't think I was truly being flippant, just sad and ironic as usual that so so much of this rings so close to home that it's disconcerting.

I'm sorry for your crappy couple of days, and for people who seem so unbreakably functional and perfect, and yet have so little self-awareness and insight into the impact of their behaviour on others.

I'm sorry that it's so hard to "leave work at the front door" as we're told we're supposed to. Who on earth can figure out how to do that..

I'm just sorry, it sux.

I'm glad to hear from you though, had been wondering how you were doing...

Maddog

 

[Sterre]

Doglover, You are doing the best you can!

You are okay as you are. You are unique just like everybody is, and you have your own special charming traits.
You are smart, you are reflective, and you come across as someone who values integrity and who practices integrity.

Doglover, you are okay as you are, really!

With all your sensitivitys you are managing to the best you can do, and its okay.

You'll manage, in your own special way. ( and special is not bad or strange, special is colourfull and good)

Take care!

 

[doglover]

Thank you both. I went out of town right after I wrote this. Thankfully I was able to put it behind me to some extent. Tomorrow any lingering issues will come up as it's back to work for me.

But I am determined to think kind thoughts of myself inside. I did the best I could under the circumstances. With time perhaps my boss will see it too.

sterre, thank you for your positive and encouraging words. I did see them before I left and they touched my heart.

Maddog, your understanding and empathy means a ton to me, as well. You're right it isn't always easy to leave work at work. Perhaps with time I'll learn to do it better! :rolleyes:

Thank you both. Just knowing someone heard me was huge.