Relationship Lets Talk About Sex And Intimacy

[Nicolette]

OMG, Nicolette, 2 questions, straight to the point.

Yeah.... never did tactful well :rolleyes: :roflmao:

 

[Nicolette]

Does anyone have any tips or stories for those of us whose traumas started so early, many of them being sexually-based traumas, that we have no idea what a sex drive is, what it feels like to want emotional, physical, sexual intimacy from anyone?

Sorry and can't think of anything useful or helpful to say. Out of my league. It must be difficult Deaf Global Nomad knowing you are "missing part of growing up". I can't even think of any compassionate to say other than I feel for you.

 

[KP the nut]

If your weight bothers you - do something about it...geez I mean you just gained control of your life.

OK, OK, point taken. Geez, way to nag :D.

Ok KP time for me to point you back to something ....
You have just done amazing well and your husband does love you. That is for him to decide and not you. Only you can change how you feel about you and I bet you many nights of sexual pleasure :inlove: if you can just see what we and your husband see in you. We all see a kind, beautiful soul who is so thoughtful.

Believe in yourself like you did with your therapy!

Yes, I know I am so lucky to have found someone who loves me for being me. As for nights of sexual pleasure, I was a morning or afternoon kinda girl :p.

I am in control of who I am, thanks for the reminder. I love the Imagine quote, another one for my affirmation book.

(((Nicolette)))

 

[amethist]

KP when we met what I saw was the person within, not the the body of the person within. So how ever you looked that day, it made no difference. I bet your husband see's the inner glowing person too.

You shone so brightly that day, it was what you projected that stood out to me. How lucky is your hisbamd to have someone like you. :tup:

 

[May1321]

Self esteem, Self esteem, Self esteem....

So many factors... I see my mom doesn't always like to make love to my dad (I know, TMI :confused:) because she doesn't feel beautiful, feels heavy, etc. Her self-esteem is low no matter how much she loves my dad or my dad just sees this beautiful woman no matter what size she is. The more they become a team, I think the more comfortable my mom has become but I saw the biggest change when I was their weight loss counselor and they each lost weight together - they've regained it - but that bond is with them.

My sister-in-law, also didn't feel attractive, and didn't always like making love to my brother (I seem to be my family all round counselor for this info... :alien:) but my baby brother, as large as he was, depends on this affection - which I think is a trait that maybe we both got from my dad - so despite his PTSD and his weight, this affection for him is not affected. Their love life has gotten better, as I understand it, as they started to lose weight together and worked on their communication and team work. (Found out they're having their first baby next spring :D)

Having this trait I think I got from my dad (who is also disabled and at one point in time had a low self-esteem due to this even when first with my mom) I too have looked at intimacy as a requirement to show my worth. I had my virginity taken from me from my first boyfriend and thought that me being intimate was how someone would love me... as ISH said, maybe that mercy bit, as well, because I was disgusted by it so when I was in a relationship I still felt I had to but it was an attention I desired in order to feel 'worthy'.

Of course, this "addiction" as I refer to it, was not healthy and my self-esteem was extremely low. I didn't feel good about the way I looked, or who I was. I preferred the lights off and had no meaningful relationships... strangers so to say. I wanted a different life and it's been a struggle but I can say I finally am more days than not these days that I am happy with my body, who I am, and my sexuality.

My struggle would be now the affection from my sufferer and as much as the idea of him sleeping with a stranger sickens me, I'm grateful for this site and all I've read as I see my weak stomach for this has come from my unhealthy relationship with my ex who did cheat on me because of his low self esteem and though it isn't acceptable, I understand it, but it is hard accepting it and deleting this from memory when my sufferer would rather just watch movies with me. I'm grateful for my ugly past as now when I see him covering himself up, ashamed of how he looks, having to be under covers or with the lights off, or just preferring I scratch his back and hold him, I understand that he's just got something in him he needs to get rid of because it is lowering his self worth as he sees himself in my eyes even though whether he has a bit of weight on him, or his pants are falling off him, he's a gorgeous human being to me <3

So as Nicolette mentioned, I've realized and set a boundary with him to help me that he has to allow me to give him kisses when I want to give him kisses and accept them. I respect his boundary of PTSD - too much, too little - but I love kissing his cheeks and his forehead that I think even his cat (mean to everyone but me and him) have both come to actually expect my kisses so he's getting more comfortable in his sexuality with me and I'm maintaining my sexual self worth because I'm getting to be a bit of me even if it is just as simple as a peck on the lips.

We should never do anything so out of the norm that it makes us uncomfortable but we do owe it to ourselves to push our boundaries bit by bit in order to gain an agreed and desired result... That effort, I must believe, is passion.... A passion for truly being the best that WE want ourselves to be and in.

 

[Dani]

my hubbie and I schedule intimacy dates, it takes the pressure off me having to be spontaneous when I don't know how I will react and it may have taken him (a minute) to get used to the idea, but now he's down. And looks forward to our scheduled dates. It may seem weird, but it works for us. No one gets put on the spot and all is good. Just saying...:)

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I wonder this....... while some Supporters think it's about them being less attractive etc to cause the lack of interest..... have you considered that it is due to a Sufferer's diminished self worth having a mental illness and inability to function how they would like?

Maybe I shouldn't say anything. But this really hit home with me. We always seem to have this problems. He thinks I am rejecting him because I don't love/want him.

 

[May1321]

He thinks I am rejecting him because I don't love/want him.

I've felt this way and have been accused for this same sort of rejection... I think acknowledging it and accepting it is the first step... say anything you please, Ayesha :)

 

[Girl3]

If there is one part of my healing with PTSD that seems least likely to get better, it's intimacy.

I was sexually abused as a very small child until age 10. My mother had me examined gynecologically when I was 3 or 4 because of the white discharge in my underwear all the time. Then raped by five guys when I was 14.

I dissociate during sex and can only orgasm if I fantasize abour being raped because that is how I achieved my first orgasm. Normal intimate moments do not make me amorous. Kissing makes me nauseated. Intimacy makes no sense to my body. I am disgusted with my past, my responses - I go through times when I cannot stand to be touched or even seen naked. If I never had an orgasm again I think I'd be fine. In fact, many times with my husband I'll just ask him to not try so hard on my account, that I don't really need to go there.

My psychiatrist tells me we will work on that down the road because I have so many health issues from my PTSD that take precedence.

Could I have sex with a stranger - probably quite easily. Do I want to? NO.

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[Lostregien]

I completely agree with you Nicolette. The supporters really don't see what is going through the victim's heads, nor can they feel what we're feeling.

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[amethist]

Your right Lostregien, we cant feel what your feeling, or know what is going on in your head.

Like sufferers, supporters also have to learn how to manage what is going on and learn how to react to each different situation thrown at us. We all have to start somewhere, and no one has all the answers.

So having a forum like this, knowledge is passed on from those who have been before us, and then passed on from us to the next as we learn more.

Amethist

 

[angel2write]

It's been a little different for me... my sex drive has actually lessened as I healed. It's been odd.

I've figured out a few things. I think I had some sort of mildly disassociated personality part who "did sex" for me. I felt like I had to "do sex" a lot to make my husband love me. I didn't think I had the right to say no to anything (even when he said I did) or to ask for anything I wanted.

So it was sort of like an endurance test combined with some form of performance art.

I also used masturbation as a comfort thing since I was, like, six. So that was kind of twisted, too.

Now I feel more normal. Like I'm not "ready" all the time. I'm actually more relaxed. I am working on having sex without flipping over to the sort of "slut" personality I developed to deal with my ex-husband. It's very odd, because I drop in and out of it. It can be kind of disorienting. And I'm taking baby steps to ask for things or say no to things.

It feels weird not to have this out of control libido active all the time... but I like it. It makes me feel normal.