I have been blessed with six children over the last 18 years, been present at all bar one. have given my children independent life by cutting their cords releasing them from the physical bond to their mother by the umbilical cord, even had to deliver my now 4 yr old daughter on my own with no midwife or paramedic to help me. (The scariest and most terrifying time of my life, two lives in my hands and no one else. 8 minutes of sheer dread "can I do this, will I faint...... NO I did it. I delivered that baby safely and within 5 minutes of me holding my OWN child in MY hands at seconds old wrapped only in a towel the ambulance arrived and then ten minutes the midwife arriving. The shock on their faces that "I" had actually done it. Manned up and not cracked, fighting my fears the whole time, doubting my resolve to be a MAN!)
I have served my country and seen and had to do some of the most gruesome things the human eye can see. those images i can deal with and put to rest.
The memories of being tied to a washing line aged 3 by a dog lead scared me, being beaten as a toddler for climbing out of my cot because I was inquisitive. Instead of verbally chastising me like I have my own son (aged 2) with a stern but friendly face, She beat me. When I continued to climb out of my cot she had a lock fitted to the outside of the nursery door to keep me in. Leaving me a terrified and alone toddler unable to communicate, as every time I screamed for her she would shout through the locked door for me to "Shut the F**K UP" (aged 2-3 yrs). Having my tiny hand held over a naked flame on the gas stove to show me how much it would hurt if I touched the cooker terrified me to my soul (aged 3). All the abuses I had hidden from myself as too terrifying to face until"SHE" told me about them years later. Instead of being ashamed of remorseful she gloated this and was proud that she had committed these "abuses" against me !.
Was I that bad a child that I deserved this kind of treatment. I have lived the last 39 years believing that "I" must have done "something" to "deserve" this. How wrong I was.
Finally of years of counselling that has failed "no ones fault" I have crashed and driven my family away. I have been referred to a psychologist who has managed to unnerve me to the point of facing that room in the dark. That room in my psyche that is just too "terrifying" to enter. I have opened that door having been banned from seeing my own child born, sharing that special moment when a baby comes into the world. Not allowed to cut his cord. Seeing him and holding MY child is the most amazing and special moment any Daddy can ever have. I am his daddy and that will never change.
My mother let me down, abused and neglected me, abandoned me as a small boy and HURT me, she has been hurting my wife and kids for nearly 20 years now through me. No more. She will not rule my life a single day after this day. Missing my sons birth has hurt me more than any abuse SHE could ever subject me to. She has finally made me accept that "I" was the "Victim" and that "I" did "NOTHING" wrong at all. I was too young at the time.
Thank-you MUM for making me the man I am "today" and releasing me from the man I was "Yesterday".
To my wonderful wife and the mother of all my children I say thank-you for making me finally face this truth and dig deep for the mental resolve to deal with this once and for all. I know over the years with my outbursts of anger and aggression towards you and our children I have hurt you all so very much. Of this I simply say I am disgusted at my actions and ashamed of myself. There are no words I can say to remove the hurt and shame I have brought on this family due to this condition.
PTSD is a very real and scary condition that makes people act irrationally against the ones who they should hug tight to them.
You did not hurt me and our children are the innocent's in all of this.
I can only hope and pray that in time you can find it in your heart to understand and forgive me.
Whatever happens I am now finally released from "my" terrors and will stand strong and do the right thing.
Letter to Abuser will be the final contact I have with all of the family that hurt and destroyed MY childhood. No more will THEY control ME. I am now finally released from this millstone that has dragged me back day by day, back to the mire that was my childhood. I now look forward in life and am happy and at peace for the first time in my life.
When we met 20 years ago and fell in love it was the most fantastic time of my life and all I can wish for is for that to continue for many years to come if you will have me. The real me, that is, as the old me, the abused and hurting angry me is finally gone. Thank-you for allowing me to hold OUR son this morning and be his DADDY. He is a fantastic little boy and I hold no malice at all towards you for not being there to witness his birth. Many new fathers never get the chance to see their own child born. I have been lucky enough to witness the births of five or our children and that will always cherish their births until I grow old.
Oh and one last note MUM ! Locking me in my bedroom on Christmas day 1976 because I was so excited that that daddy Christmas was coming was just the cruelest thing anyone could do to a child. Beating me for being hyperactive because I was looking forward to Christmas Day. Well done MUM of the YEAR 1976!!!!
