Relationship Letting Go And No Contact

[nursenurse]

Don't respond to him, ultimately, if it is over, it is over. Change your number, block his calls, whatever you have to do. This is your life too, and you owe it to yourself to craft the best life possible for yourself, free of angst and hurt.

I still have so many unanswered questions from him, but I know his sister and have also kept up with his brother's comings and goings. Those two have been an immense source of answers that he would never be able to give me. And support, but still, there re always things I would rather hear from him. But never will. So on I go. I don't think there is anyone else out there for me, and if there is, I would likely pass right on by and not let them in. My circle of trust has always been tight, and now out of necessity for my heart, it is even tighter.

 

[DeedeeRSM]

Now he keeps sending me text messages...asking me when he can pick up his stuff..
Funny thing is he doesn't have stuff here except for a mediaplayer that he never uses at home..

I think I'm going to send it back through mail today...still going strong.

So fed up.

Yesterday I was thinking about how he isolated me from his best friend's girlfriend...
Whenever we wanted to plan things for the 4 of us, he'd start complaining about the girl and start complaining about his best friend..meanwhile he's hanging out at their place more often than at mine, that's weird for someone who doesn't like the people there...

Their invites for Christmas family dinners were always just for him, isn't that weird?
Last year he even went there alone, sat and ate with his best friend's family, but like his whole family.

His brother and his girlfriend invited us numerous time to come over for dinner...he NEVER wanted to go, like NEVER.
But when his brother invited him alone to go play bowling, he went gladly as him and I were on a break.

His best friend invited us to his kid's 1st bday, we were supposed to go, and all of a sudden he fell asleep, so he called me only after he woke up, when the party was over.

The only persons he ''allowed'' me to see regularly were his parents.

His friends have a group and they go out with their wives and children as a big group once in a while...he never wanted to go to those with me as well. BUT again, once we were on a break, he went with the whole group ALONE.

Also never wanted to come along with me to my friends' birthdays, my family's birthdays......sigh.

Why again did I accept all of that blindly?

Just makes me so so pissed. How can you isolate a person from everything for 3 years and expect them to ''be your girlfriend''.
I often told him he made me feel like a mistress.

I wonder if any of you have experience with this? This is textbook commitment phobia for all I know, doesn't really have much to do with PTSD, or does it?

Funny thing is I've never been a girlfriend that makes a problem out of my boyfriend hanging out with friends, and having his own life, I encourage it, as I have my own. But when it comes to family things, group things, birthday parties of friends..come ooonnnn :banghead: how did that go on for 3 years? Now that time passes I realize it's no wonder I got isolated. I did it myself, by tolerating his isolating behaviours towards me!!

(rant)

 

[nursenurse]

You kind of morph into it over time, don't beat yourself up. At first when the relationship is young, you think that he is just not ready. Methinks he was living quite the duplicitous life. Maybe even another woman. Who knows? You can't keep surmising, it gets unhealthy. You are wise to ship his stuff off to him. Block the texts/calls after if you can. You need some much deserved peace. Good luck.

 

[Sandi79]

nursenurse, your comment about behavior that was always there really hit home. My now ex bf, I never knew him before his went to Iraq. I always knew him this way, but his family and friends said he's always been one with low self esteem, no confidence and would cut and run if it got tricky. I knew he had low selt esteem, our first date he asked why I even would be there with him, why was I so nice to him. And as soon as it gets too good, or too bad, he bails. He has to run back to his parents house and stay. He is 34 years old and has never successfully lived with anyone. Even while he was in school for the military while we dated, he moved twice in 16 months. Said he couldnt stand his roomates. Then he couldnt stand being here with me.

I do think they mean it when they say I love you..when they say it. But everyone deserves more than that. Im starting to realize that myself. I deserve to be loved even when you aren't feeling loving.

 

[Sandi79]

The masturbation addiction is something I'd like to know more about.

We lived together, I never once denied him sex, usually started it. But the first time he left, I found a um..catch rag..for that sort of thing. I was embarassed..for me..for him. Well, this time, there is another catch rag in the office..again. His excuse was I wasn't always home when he wanted to.

Whats the motivation behind it? Why would one prefer self sex vs with your partner?

 

[DeedeeRSM]

It's so weird how so many of our exes are alike.

Text book cases really. And I'm not talking about the PTSD, cause on here I learned that there are people with PTSD who know how to try to be a good person just like any of us do even though they struggle more, and also people who at least acknowledge that they have been treatng their spouses badly and are willing to work on it.

PTSD people too can have traits of manipulative narcissists so I have learned, and a lot of the problems of women (or men of course) who have problems with their PTSD spouses like I had, are textbook cases of narcissists. What I'm trying to say I guess is, even if they didnt have PTSD, our exes wouldve been manipulative and all the other things they are today.

Having said that, Sandi, your bf/ex sounds EXACTLY like mine, and I suggest you do some digging into commitment phobia.

Then about the masturbation/porn addiction, having a catch rag does not make him an addict lol know that.
My ex masturbated about 3 to 4 times a day, wanted me to dress up and put make up on like the porn actresses and do threesomes etc for him to be able to be turned on... he was a full on addict and nothing else could get him off. Ocassionally we were able to have sex, but most of our attempts turned into him not being able to keep it up because he had already masturbated 4 times earlier that day.

His masturbation addiction was one other way to distract him from his actual struggle (PTSD). He said it made him tired so that he didnt have energy to think about the trauma's. :(

I have a question about this to the sufferers among us: My ex used to say that EVEYTHING he did during the day, hobbies, porn, masturbation, was to distract him from his trauma's and his anxieties.

I am wondering how a person with that much trauma, was able to chit chat (text, chat) with multiple females during the day FOR YEARS during our relationship about all kinds of subjects. If everything makes him so tired, how did he find the energy to have multiple mini affairs? I have been wondering about this for ages...

I feel guilty when I say that I think he was taking adventage of my being emotional and feeling sorry for him, but when I compare his behaviour to what he was telling me, there are huge differences. I.E.> able to have fun with multiple females, but telling me he's sooo tired all day

 

[Sandi79]

I know he is afraid of committment. He has only ever committed to three people in his life and he's 34, almost 35. One was a woman he left because he had trouble handling her special needs child (he was 19), his ex wife who left him due to the PTSD and me.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

@DeedeeRSM,
The mini affairs were stress-less distractions. They took him out of his own world into another where there was no stress, no pressure---he could just escape into another world and forget that he had PTSD.

Real relationships, on the other hand, are full of stress, no matter which way you cut it.

 

[DeedeeRSM]

Ugh, I wish he would've found distractions in less hurtfull things.....but then again I don't think my relationship with him would've been healthy under any circumstances until he takes his therapy seriously :(

 

[DeedeeRSM]

He keeps calling and calling, I can't block him because he always calls with an unknown number and I can't block those.

I guess I have to at one point pick up and talk to him and tell him to leave me alone.

This scares me because every time I tried this, he tries to talk about daily things and then change subjects until he gets to the subject of him and I. Then when I tell him I don't want it any longer that it's over he starts a discussion, telling me he hates ''this situation'' and how stupid WE are that we can't work things out. I don't want this again, I want to be able to keep things short and on need to know basis with him, without him doing an attempt to make me feel bad by either guilt tripping me or blaming me once again for everything and then trying to make his way back in. He has a set of standard subjects he will bring up including ''you just want to be done asap so that you can go be with a guy who will do anything for you and be your b*tch'' etc.

Any advice on how to be firm and direct with someone like this without triggering his need to blame or discuss or give me a bad feeling by saying I just want to ''dispose'' him like garbage?

 

[bell]

I don't think my relationship with him would've been healthy under any circumstances until he takes his therapy seriously

Use this. Tell him that until he takes therapy seriously you aren't talking to him. Tell him that you love him but that you need him to go to therapy for himself. And his loved ones. Use therapy as the strong boundary that you need right now.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

He sounds like an arse, but I do want to comment on the isolating bit as I can understand it.

I understand not wanting your S/O (significant other) to interact with anyone else in your life. I'm much the same, however I understand your frustration. In your case, your S/O isolated you from everything else in his life, but there were overlaps amongst other parts of his life. I am different in that no two areas of my life overlap. Friends are separate from family which is separate from work (when I am working) which is separate from school and so on. No two areas EVER overlap. It is a safety and protective mechanism. Your ex on the other hand only selectively isolated you from the rest of his life. I understand why you're pissed. No, I don't think you should put up with the behavior this far into a relationship. If I was to the point of being 3 years into a serious relationship, my family would know about him. Areas of my life would overlap. But, I'm not that far along in my healing, nor am I in a relationship at this point.

Stay strong.