Lied to therapist

[Lamename01234]

I lied to my therapist. A bold faced lie, one that got me out of processing an issue with her.
She believed it and moved on.
But then it ate at me. And ate at me and ate at me. My self-worth went down the drain. I looked for other therapists. I couldn't move forward and stalled for a few sessions. Until a month later (this past Friday) I decided I would walk in and tell her I lied to her about the situation.
I had typed out my apology, tucked it in my pocket, with my money for the session, and made her a little gift basket from my garden.
I knew ahead of time I would not be able to look at her. I knew I was going to ask her to turn around while I read.
I tell white lies way more then what I am comfortable with.
Many years ago I told a big one. And again it ate at me and ate at me. Until, like recently, I just decided I was going to come clean. I am not talking an affair. I said someone died (traumatically) to get someones sympathy which lead to us getting into a relationship.
I picked a night. I packed my bags because I had a feeling she would ask me to leave. Bought her a gift and that night said: "I have something to tell you...." and I told her everything. And she did as I expected and asked me to leave.
It hurt. Nothing was really processed. A few weeks later she said she forgave me but asked me to move out, so I did. I moved out and banished myself to another town 3 hours away for a few years.
I learned my lesson and never told a big lie like that again. Small ones yes.
I understand we all lie. White lies, little lies....but when I consciously think of a realistic story and deliver it is very different.
So Friday I went into her office. Gave her the gift. She could tell I had something on my mind. I danced around it for a minute. Then told her I have something to say but it is hard.
She asked if it was something from the past or current? I said: "current." Then I asked if we could not face each other and she complied turning her chair so her back was to me and we both looked out the same window.
I read my apology. Then there was a really long pause of silence. Then a few questions and she commented that must of been hard to read.
I think it really caught her off guard by the amount of long pauses of silence. I talked about the history of the big lie. I talked about lies my family told me. She asked a few times to turn her chair around and I panicked I said: "no." The time went by very fast. Soon it was time to end and she asked again to turn her chair around and again I said: "no." She said: "you want to end the session this way" and I said: "yes."
She asked about next week and our standing appt. and I said I will be in touch because I have been called to jury duty (truth).
Part of me never wants to go back. Part of me want to go back and have every session with her back turned. It was easier to talk, not working about eye contact or having her stare at me when I cry. I could tell she didn't like it.
I want to heal this behavior and told her that.
I like my therapist (a lot) and I have always felt warmth and empathy from her.
I just don't have the courage to go back.
I afraid she will not believe when I talk about abuse. Or her warm energy will be different.
I thought coming clean I would feel better. Like a weight would be lifted and we could move forward but for some reason I feel worse.
I don't want to process anymore this situation. Which we didn't process because I shut it down with the lie.
I just wanted to write this out because I feel so bad.

 

[notJuliana]

I lied to my therapist. A bold faced lie, one that got me out of processing an issue with her.
S...

I'm sorry you're feeling so bad about this. I think I can understand feeling that way, but I hope you know you didn't do anything bad. Telling the truth might have been a more satisfying strategy in that it wouldn't have left you feeling bad about telling a big lie, but there is a reason you chose to lie, some need you hoped would be met. Were you scared to tell the truth? Well, feeling safe is an important human need, and perhaps lying seemed to you at the time to be the best way to meet it.
I hope your therapist responds with empathy and understanding. You have a right to choose what to process and when, and feeling safe is the top priority. You say she was always warm and empathetic, so it sounds like there's a good chance she'll be able to respond with warmth and empathy here, too.
I can relate to the feeling of not wanting to be looked at while you cry! But if you get to the point of feeling safe enough, and you look at her looking at you while you're crying, and see her eyes filled with empathy for you, that can be a really positive, healing experience. Of course it requires a feeling of safety and an empathetic therapist.
I hope you find some peace around this, and forgive yourself for the lie (if you are laying blame on yourself for it).

 

[Deleted member 43031]

I lied to my therapist. A bold faced lie, one that got me out of processing an issue with her.
S...

I can tell by the responses of this therapist you have an incredibly understanding therapist here. She is willing to still be your therapist and help you work through this. It is NOT about her, you wishing NOT to work on your issue was that you were not ready, and now she knows this. You were so afraid to displease her (past issues usually) - you deflected to protect yourself. the word lie often is misunderstood. What a lot of people do not understand is sometimes we do this to protect ourselves, to avoid confrontation. I am not judging as I have done the same thing.
Your therapist wanted to show you profound compassion and understanding. In a therapeutic setting, its OK to do and say anything as long as it is not harming. Tell her you have trouble with eye contact right now. Don't walk away on a wonderful therapist. I have a feeling this will lead to a break-through you did not expect. Your being very hard on yourself when all this comes from such a painful place. I think she wants to help you be more gentle with yourself.

 

[Mach123]

Yes I used to be compelled to tell the truth all the time but now I know it was a real bad self harm trick I had. My wife and I discussed this over the years you know and it came up again the other day it's really funny. I'd find out she "left something out" and I'd be flipping out and she'd be like "I didn't want to listen to you." Then after a long while I found out stuff I "trusted her" with would come back on me if she got really mad and I finally smartened up. Why give them ammo? How hard is it going to be on you? Be pragmatic is all I'm saying don't hurt yourself it's not worth it most of the time.

We were talking about this guy I know and he wanted to vote for someone other than his whole family voted for and he said "If I vote that way they'll disown me," and I was like "don't tell them, tell them what they want to hear and vote for who you want." My wife said "no you have to tell the truth" and I was like "no that's crazy." I know them and they never would have left him alone about it. For years he would have had to put up with them needling him.

I'm not a liar and if you come right down to it I can actually say I've never really done anything wrong practically in my entire life. I feel like I finally got smart enough not to say that stuff anymore. It just never did anyone (especially me) any good and yes, there are things I don't tell the therapist. I just can't fight with everyone anymore and I leave things out that are going to cause me strife I have enough problems without shooting myself in the foot which is what it amounts to.

 

[Sideways]

One of the things that may have resulted from asking her to keep her back to you is that you may have made it difficult for her to genuinely connect with you and tell you, "It's okay, I'm okay to let it go". I can imagine that it would be incredibly hard to tell someone 'I forgive you' when you've been told you're not allowed to look at them.

It's her decision whether she decides to let it go. And it sounds like she wants to. But how can she communicate that with you if she's not allowed to face you?

One of the most healing things about therapy is when we have our therapist accept us for who we are. You made a mistake, it wasn't a great thing to do to lie to her. And by forcing her to not look at you, you're not only continuing to punish yourself, in a way, you're forcing her to continue to punish you as well.

That's not your call. And I can understand why you don't feel better just yet - I like to beat myself over my own head with my mistakes as well. But if she wants to forgive you? You need to let her do that. You need to give her the chance to show you what genuine human acceptance is really about.

It's confronting and painful sometimes to allow other people to accept us, warts and all. But I think that may be incredibly important in this situation for you. I think it may be important for you to have the experience of someone giving you a bit of a reality check here: what you did? Isn't completely unforgivable. It really is okay to have made this error. And as painful as it may be for you? You may need to allow your T to forgive you, and keep accepting you.

This doesn't define you as a person. And it doesn't need to define your relationship with your T. So, if you can, maybe try going back, and dealing with the actual consequences: that you are still a good person, and your T still accepts you.

 

[Lamename01234]

Thank you for your responses. I hear everything that is being said and will probably have to reread a few times to have all sink in.

**to have it all sink in...

 

[scout86]

I just don't have the courage to go back.

I think you do. What you already did was very brave. Someone who could do that can also go back. I agree with what @Ragdoll Circus said. Because you couldn't manage eye contact at the time, I think things are a little unfinished and you didn't really get a chance to experience the "it's ok" part of things. Your T sounds great & the relationship sounds like it's really to good to blow off. I hope you'll go back.

And, I'd be willing to bet T's get lied to fairly often. Sometimes they know, sometimes they don't. Lying to avoid something you didn't want to deal with right then isn't the worst reason I can think of to do it. (With my T, I've found it actually works to say "I'm not going to talk about that now.") None of this makes you a horrible person. If you were perfect, you wouldn't need therapy to begin with. I'd be willing to bet this will work out ok, if you give it a chance.

 

[Lamename01234]

Went back to therapy today and there was no mention of last week. She just directed back to were we left off a few weeks and back into EMDR. That was it.

 

[notJuliana]

Oh! I hope that was OK for you.
In any case, I'm glad she didn't bring it up in any negative way.

 

[Sideways]

Is it possible this is her way of deescalating the situation? You were incredibly distressed by the whole thing, and by picking up where you left off before it all, she's basically saying, Ok, so let's keep working together, it hasn't changed anything..."?

 

[MyWillow]

Is it possible this is her way of deescalating the situation? You were incredibly distressed by the whole thing, and by picking up where you left off before it all, she's basically saying, Ok, so let's keep working together, it hasn't changed anything..."?

Yes! My therapist does this a lot....especially when I've been extremely emotional and dissociating in session and my memory is scrambled. Unless I specifically bring something up we just move on. It frustrated me no end but now I am realizing that her acceptance is more important than anything. It's part of feeling safe in the room....which needs work for me.

 

[Lamename01234]

Yes I believe that is what happen too and I am totally okay with it. I was dreading that she would want to dissect last week.
Thanks for everyones input. Have a good night.