I am all about solving problems. Something comes up in my relationship and I try to talk it out and arrive at a mutual agreement or a way to solve the problem and then stay the course. She can't name a time that I didn't start with a discussion and an agreement, she can't name a time when I failed to keep the agreement.
She enters into an agreement easily, too easily. When it goes wrong, I find out about the ten reasons it was a bad agreement, she finds out about the ten reasons I thought it was a good and necessary solution, ten reasons I didn't go into the first time around because she agreed without my needing to go into all the reasons. and then there is the modified agreement, and the next level of broken promises. And the escalated anger and my escalated insistance on honesty and kept promises.
Her counselor preaches radical acceptance. She was hired as a marriage counselor and we saw her separately at first, with the idea being that she would bring us in together eventually and we would then work on the marriage. I am the PTSD sufferer, I know my way around counseling. I know that radical acceptance works when you are in an unchangeable situation and have to find a way to survive in it. Prison, terminal cancer, loss of a job, etc. But it doesn't apply to my marriage. I can change the way we interact, I can insist on the honesty and on keeping promises in my marriage. I refuse to radically accept that I will be lied to and have my faith and trust destroyed.
My wife and I had discussed the use of marijuana months ago when it looked like the legalization of the drug was coming to our state and she agreed easily that since I cannot use it and keep my job we would not bring it into our house or allow its use here at our house.
Last night as she was undressing for bed a lighter fell from her clothing and landed on the floor. She said it didn't but I saw it fall and bounce. She said it was already on the floor. I knew it wasn't.
She admitted that she had thought about smoking a joint a friend had given her and had changed her mind and tossed it into our compost pile instead, thus the lighter, no big deal.
Now we escalate, it turns into a fight, not about marijuana but all about lies and broken promises. And she goes to her counselor today and tells her all about our fight and the escalation and how I had at one point made the comment that I had thrown my life into a hole staying married to her and saw my future as being thrown in a hole and her counselor takes that as a statement that I was planning to throw myself into a grave and I get a visit from the sherriff and a county social worker because she is sworn to act on any threat of suicide.
What a mess.
Being a problem solver, I am formulating a plan. Any suggestions?
She enters into an agreement easily, too easily. When it goes wrong, I find out about the ten reasons it was a bad agreement, she finds out about the ten reasons I thought it was a good and necessary solution, ten reasons I didn't go into the first time around because she agreed without my needing to go into all the reasons. and then there is the modified agreement, and the next level of broken promises. And the escalated anger and my escalated insistance on honesty and kept promises.
Her counselor preaches radical acceptance. She was hired as a marriage counselor and we saw her separately at first, with the idea being that she would bring us in together eventually and we would then work on the marriage. I am the PTSD sufferer, I know my way around counseling. I know that radical acceptance works when you are in an unchangeable situation and have to find a way to survive in it. Prison, terminal cancer, loss of a job, etc. But it doesn't apply to my marriage. I can change the way we interact, I can insist on the honesty and on keeping promises in my marriage. I refuse to radically accept that I will be lied to and have my faith and trust destroyed.
My wife and I had discussed the use of marijuana months ago when it looked like the legalization of the drug was coming to our state and she agreed easily that since I cannot use it and keep my job we would not bring it into our house or allow its use here at our house.
Last night as she was undressing for bed a lighter fell from her clothing and landed on the floor. She said it didn't but I saw it fall and bounce. She said it was already on the floor. I knew it wasn't.
She admitted that she had thought about smoking a joint a friend had given her and had changed her mind and tossed it into our compost pile instead, thus the lighter, no big deal.
Now we escalate, it turns into a fight, not about marijuana but all about lies and broken promises. And she goes to her counselor today and tells her all about our fight and the escalation and how I had at one point made the comment that I had thrown my life into a hole staying married to her and saw my future as being thrown in a hole and her counselor takes that as a statement that I was planning to throw myself into a grave and I get a visit from the sherriff and a county social worker because she is sworn to act on any threat of suicide.
What a mess.
Being a problem solver, I am formulating a plan. Any suggestions?
