Life after cheating, child abuse & health problems

[fernbaby]

We've been together for almost 7 years. Within the first year while I was in hospital and quite ill (related to a childhood of abuse) he cheated on me. Not once, but three times. I found out on my own within the year and it was very hard. That entire year was very difficult for me as it symbolized the first time in my life I tried to make a change in myself for the better(in my health)I had a traumatic time in the hospital and have had physical issues ever since. We ended moving in together in circumstances out of my control at the time, and we found it quite difficult to manage (mostly my) emotions about it. Over the years i've come to accept our past, and he has done a 180 in terms of his character & I trust him now and have for quite a time. Don't get me wrong, we have more good times than bad these days... I just think the only issue is that with all the struggles ive dealt with regarding my chronic health issues, the child abuse and the cheating, is that i've kept it all inside for so long and we're unable to talk about any of the above. I don't know who could ever "help" me. I feel unable to tell when something feels wrong or right, or how to voice my emotions and feelings. I shut down, I block my ears, I cannot stand it when he raises his voice at me or when we argue. I get called childish a lot because I cannot handle them. Are "arguments" a legitimate trigger? I feel completely at a loss on how to explain how serious my triggers are for me and I feel i'm not taken seriously. One argument or him shouting forces me into a snowball of bad memories and thoughts I cannot escape. I cannot control it. I feel this need to feel validated in my experiences and past to know it was truly "wrong" but I don't feel I get that from anyone. I have tried therapy and I feel like an idiot talking about my past and where I'm at, maybe she was just the wrong person. I don't know. I feel broken as a person and I don't know if there will ever be anything better for me. I don't know what a good relationship looks like. A lot of people may say "just leave!" but I'm terrified. I would also worry for my health. I don't think I'll ever come to the conclusion that this is the right choice to make. I feel like whatever I get, I deserve, and I dont have the strength to strive for a better life.

 

[Sandstone]

I'm going to use the age-old response - you can't change him, you can only change yourself. For anyone with prolonged abuse in their background, it is hard to see clearly what to change or how, so a good therapist is pretty essential. If the one you saw left you feeling like an idiot , she probably wasn't a good therapist. Have you had any professional support in the past with the consequences of the abuse?