I am married father of 5 (ages 8 months through 8 years), an eagle scout, and an honorably discharged army veteran currently a graduate student in RF/Microwave (electrical engineering).
A few years ago my 15 month old son died in a highly traumatic freak accident in our home. I was then wrongfully charged as being the cause of his death. With everyone around me, my wife, family, friends, coworkers, my employer, heads of a very large company, even people I have not seen in years coming out of the woodwork in my defense, fully expecting the charges to be dropped by the district attorney's office because there was no evidence or logic to support the abhorrent charge.
After a year in litigation, they were not and we were set to go to trial to clear my name. But, due to my deteriorating mental health, I then agreed to an Alford Plea, just to get the added stress out of my life so I could focus on my treatment. Sure, it meant I would have enter a plea of guilty, and I would have to serve 4 years on probation. But at the end of the probation, the charges would be dismissed and the case would be sealed and eventually expunged. But because of the charges, without ever being convicted, or before accepting the plea bargain, I lost my security clearance. Because I lost my security clearance, I lost my career and what I truly feel to be my calling in life. My education, military training, and professional experience have been entirely centered upon a line of work that does not exist in the civilian world.
This has left me unemployed for a lengthy period of time and suffering from hyper-vigilance, debilitating severe major depression, and severe anxiety, and debilitating panic attacks. I initially lost 100 lbs in the first 3 months after my son passed away but then gained 150 lbs back since and have now added a severe case of sleep apnea to the list of problems affecting my everyday life. But even still, several psychologists and psychiatrists I have seen will not classify my case as being post traumatic stress disorder and insist treating each symptom individually and only chemically. That is, until I recently met my most recent doctor who does and has recommended electroconvulsive therapy (ECT) and it has made a massive positive difference in my life.
Having undergone ECT, I feel somewhat "normal" again. The panic attacks have stopped, the depression has all but gone away. But, because I was so seriously depressed for so long, I've lost touch with nearly all I used to enjoy in life and am finding it difficult to reconnect with those things. I used to be an avid ice hockey player, now it seems uninteresting to me. I used to love electronics and building electronic gizmos, but it has lost its luster as well. I now live my life without any passion for what I do, disconnected with life in general.
Trying to get back in shape again has been a complete disaster, I used to be an athlete, and my time in the military taught me exactly what I need to do to stay in shape. I just can't get myself to do it, I have no drive to want to succeed anymore. I just plug away at it blindly. The loss of my son metaphorically felt as if i had fallen through the ice on a barren desolate frozen lake into a drowning, deep depression. Now, that I am somewhat conscious again, I no longer feel like I am drowning in my depression and anxiety, but I now feel like I have broken back up through the ice and am fighting for my life to get out of the water but keep slipping in the ice around me, clawing at life doing anything I can to recapture it and not succeeding.
I really do not discuss this with anyone other than my wife and my doctor, no one seems to really understand what I am going through. I thought it may be helpful to see how others are dealing with their own symptoms to see if there is anything I could possibly do differently.
Occasionally, my depression does take me down and for a while. When it is bad and I can't wake up, I can take a double dose of Adderall with a full pot of espresso and then eventually have to go lay down and take a nap anyways... I try not to let it get me down, and just take life as it comes, one day at a time.
My current medications/treatment:
ECT
Imipramine 200-250mg
Donezipil 10mg
Adderall 20mg
My past medications:
Zoloft
Abilify
Wellbutrin
Prozac
Lexapro
Cymbalta
Nortriptyline (Pamelor) 100mg (after several SSRIs/SNRIs were ineffective)
Clonazepam (Klonopin) 2 mg x2 daily
Xanax
Risperdone
Buspar
A few years ago my 15 month old son died in a highly traumatic freak accident in our home. I was then wrongfully charged as being the cause of his death. With everyone around me, my wife, family, friends, coworkers, my employer, heads of a very large company, even people I have not seen in years coming out of the woodwork in my defense, fully expecting the charges to be dropped by the district attorney's office because there was no evidence or logic to support the abhorrent charge.
After a year in litigation, they were not and we were set to go to trial to clear my name. But, due to my deteriorating mental health, I then agreed to an Alford Plea, just to get the added stress out of my life so I could focus on my treatment. Sure, it meant I would have enter a plea of guilty, and I would have to serve 4 years on probation. But at the end of the probation, the charges would be dismissed and the case would be sealed and eventually expunged. But because of the charges, without ever being convicted, or before accepting the plea bargain, I lost my security clearance. Because I lost my security clearance, I lost my career and what I truly feel to be my calling in life. My education, military training, and professional experience have been entirely centered upon a line of work that does not exist in the civilian world.
This has left me unemployed for a lengthy period of time and suffering from hyper-vigilance, debilitating severe major depression, and severe anxiety, and debilitating panic attacks. I initially lost 100 lbs in the first 3 months after my son passed away but then gained 150 lbs back since and have now added a severe case of sleep apnea to the list of problems affecting my everyday life. But even still, several psychologists and psychiatrists I have seen will not classify my case as being post traumatic stress disorder and insist treating each symptom individually and only chemically. That is, until I recently met my most recent doctor who does and has recommended electroconvulsive therapy (ECT) and it has made a massive positive difference in my life.
Having undergone ECT, I feel somewhat "normal" again. The panic attacks have stopped, the depression has all but gone away. But, because I was so seriously depressed for so long, I've lost touch with nearly all I used to enjoy in life and am finding it difficult to reconnect with those things. I used to be an avid ice hockey player, now it seems uninteresting to me. I used to love electronics and building electronic gizmos, but it has lost its luster as well. I now live my life without any passion for what I do, disconnected with life in general.
Trying to get back in shape again has been a complete disaster, I used to be an athlete, and my time in the military taught me exactly what I need to do to stay in shape. I just can't get myself to do it, I have no drive to want to succeed anymore. I just plug away at it blindly. The loss of my son metaphorically felt as if i had fallen through the ice on a barren desolate frozen lake into a drowning, deep depression. Now, that I am somewhat conscious again, I no longer feel like I am drowning in my depression and anxiety, but I now feel like I have broken back up through the ice and am fighting for my life to get out of the water but keep slipping in the ice around me, clawing at life doing anything I can to recapture it and not succeeding.
I really do not discuss this with anyone other than my wife and my doctor, no one seems to really understand what I am going through. I thought it may be helpful to see how others are dealing with their own symptoms to see if there is anything I could possibly do differently.
Occasionally, my depression does take me down and for a while. When it is bad and I can't wake up, I can take a double dose of Adderall with a full pot of espresso and then eventually have to go lay down and take a nap anyways... I try not to let it get me down, and just take life as it comes, one day at a time.
My current medications/treatment:
ECT
Imipramine 200-250mg
Donezipil 10mg
Adderall 20mg
My past medications:
Zoloft
Abilify
Wellbutrin
Prozac
Lexapro
Cymbalta
Nortriptyline (Pamelor) 100mg (after several SSRIs/SNRIs were ineffective)
Clonazepam (Klonopin) 2 mg x2 daily
Xanax
Risperdone
Buspar
