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Sexual Assault Just trying to get it off my chest

I got raped as a kid when I was 6 years old I remember I wouldn’t go to sleep I became less active I was always scared peeing on myself or jumping out of my bed running at full speed in my sleep my mom had put me on medication and got me a therapist to try to make me feel normal again I’m guessing And I’m happy she did because I stopped having those problems i am 20 now and I got raped again when I was 19 that resulted in me getting pregnant having my first baby and at first it was very overwhelming I was depressed for a while and at some point it made me hate my baby I didn’t want anything to do with her and I wanted to give her away because I couldn’t get over what had happened to me so I blamed her and at the last minute in the hospital I decided to keep her i had to realize it’s not the babies fault she deserves to have a mom her real mom and as she gets older not feel like she was just tossed away and abandoned the nightmares of being raped are getting worse I wake up crying almost everyday and today I just started bed wetting for the first time in years im very embarrassed and it’s very hard to deal with it i have a lot of other unrelated problems so I don’t know how to go about my trauma I just wanna keep me and my baby safe and together if your reading this thank you for listening
Trauma Therapy.

Which is like seeing a cardiologist for heart problems, instead of an EMT, or school nurse, or minute-clinic, or GP, or ER doc… BUT A HIGHLY TRAINED SPECIALIST… who has spent 12 years studying exactly your issues, and however many years practicing, instead of a 3 month rotation, or simply being aware -academically- that this happens, and that other people spend their entire lives studying/treating it.

Trauma Therapists make up about 2% of therapists, overall, even though over 90% of therapists list “trauma” in their profiles. So look for things trauma therapists qualify in, like EMDR, and TF-CBT, in your search. Drill down on your specific issues, although childhood trauma & sexual assault is common enough you probably won’t have to go far. Unlike, say, finding a therapist who specializes in mountain climbers. MOST major cities will have trauma therapists who specialize in sexual assault, as well as those well versed in parenting issues following sexual assault.
Please, for the sake of yourself and your baby find a good trauma therapist and get help. It may seem scary or impossible but you will ultimately be so thankful you did. Don't just suffer it alone. It won't get better without healing. Hugs!