Hi, I am just recently self-diagnosed. I have had many events in my life that until now after reanalyzing the paths I have taken in life, have been affected in some shape or form from PTSD. Lucky for me, I have a very bright gentleman that has stood by my side for the past year. But that hasn't been so easy.
From birth to the age of 13, my mother was physically and mentally abused by my alcoholic father. I had to experience many fights where I was being told to take my sister and hide or even go to a neighbor's to call for help. Throughout my childhood I was disciplined in away that today you would be thrown in jail for. I remember threatening my mother at times that I would call the law on her. Her favorite comeback to that would be "if you think your life is hell now, just you go right ahead and do that". When you are 8, 10, 13, 14, etc you really don't know what the right decision would be.
After my parent's separated, I would see less and less of my mother. She was now put in that category of single mother of 2. The times were rough, but my mother was able to support us on a steelworkers salary. She made sure we had everything, but I always knew that it was also her way of making up for the lost time.
At the age of 15, I would have the worst experience of all. I lost my best friend to a single bullet that could have easily ended my life if I was 2 inches closer to her. I had blood and brain matter all over me that made my friends mother believe that I was also hit. I had to testify against the girl that ended my friend's life. I wasn't given the therapy that I should have. The gentleman that provided the therapy wasn't that pleasant of a person to deal with. I just watched my friend die and he was treating me like a small child with butterflies, stars, and smiley faces. To make matters worse, my mother would try to convince me that "it never happened" and did everything in her power to keep me from every speaking of it again. It was hard for me to sleep at times, but I knew I could never confide in someone that was only in the other room. If I brought it up to a counselor, they would always turn to her who would just end up punishing me for even seeking help.
I became that rebellious teenager and by sophomore year (16) I was really into goth. I started smoking cigarettes to pot. Hanging out with the group that your parent's always dread. I started off as 13 in my class and by end of the year number 97. My grades had dropped drastically and I continued to be physically punished by my mother. I just didn't care. My father was never allowed to visit our home. The battles between my mother and father would never end.
By 17 I became sexually active. I started to hang around a different group of friends but only because it was a teacher that really was paying attention to me. He was aware of my past behaviors and suggested many outside activities to be involved. I was however involved in the drill team, but became very active in cross country and track. "A strong mind is a hard thing to waste if I don't put it to good use" he would always tell me. I thank him for everything he did for me, because it was than I became more responsible or more in charge of my life. I became more opinionated on things and more involved. I would get a part time job at the local grocery store and get my driver's license, just some of the responsibilities I took on.
I would graduate from high school and in would than graduate from college. I would soon move out of state because a part of me wanted to get away from that awful past life. I became involved with a gentleman that throughout the relationship he cheated and I would later cheat on him. He would always tell me that "I needed to work on my anger" and " I always let the anger get the best of me", but he was the one that pushed me to that. That relationship ended after 7 years.
I now have the best guy a woman could ever have. He has been supportive of us and it wasn't till the beginning of the relationship that things started to creep up. I had past baggage- who doesn't that would affect us. I would get angry over the littlest things, and the thoughts of the past would creep up. We tried therapy which we thought at first was great, but we would change our minds about a month later. The therapist was a very unorganized individual that would rush after the buzzer would sound and tell us what she wanted us to do. She wouldn't tell us to try anything new, she would fall back on her wanting me to write down what my body feels when I start to get angry or just tell my fiance that he needed to just leave for a few days if he felt that I was out of control.
I feel so bad for putting my fiance through all of the pain I have caused him. I want to help myself, I want to become a better person, this isn't me, it just isn't normal. I just need to find that perfect nitch that will help me become that better person that doesn't involve pill popping.
From birth to the age of 13, my mother was physically and mentally abused by my alcoholic father. I had to experience many fights where I was being told to take my sister and hide or even go to a neighbor's to call for help. Throughout my childhood I was disciplined in away that today you would be thrown in jail for. I remember threatening my mother at times that I would call the law on her. Her favorite comeback to that would be "if you think your life is hell now, just you go right ahead and do that". When you are 8, 10, 13, 14, etc you really don't know what the right decision would be.
After my parent's separated, I would see less and less of my mother. She was now put in that category of single mother of 2. The times were rough, but my mother was able to support us on a steelworkers salary. She made sure we had everything, but I always knew that it was also her way of making up for the lost time.
At the age of 15, I would have the worst experience of all. I lost my best friend to a single bullet that could have easily ended my life if I was 2 inches closer to her. I had blood and brain matter all over me that made my friends mother believe that I was also hit. I had to testify against the girl that ended my friend's life. I wasn't given the therapy that I should have. The gentleman that provided the therapy wasn't that pleasant of a person to deal with. I just watched my friend die and he was treating me like a small child with butterflies, stars, and smiley faces. To make matters worse, my mother would try to convince me that "it never happened" and did everything in her power to keep me from every speaking of it again. It was hard for me to sleep at times, but I knew I could never confide in someone that was only in the other room. If I brought it up to a counselor, they would always turn to her who would just end up punishing me for even seeking help.
I became that rebellious teenager and by sophomore year (16) I was really into goth. I started smoking cigarettes to pot. Hanging out with the group that your parent's always dread. I started off as 13 in my class and by end of the year number 97. My grades had dropped drastically and I continued to be physically punished by my mother. I just didn't care. My father was never allowed to visit our home. The battles between my mother and father would never end.
By 17 I became sexually active. I started to hang around a different group of friends but only because it was a teacher that really was paying attention to me. He was aware of my past behaviors and suggested many outside activities to be involved. I was however involved in the drill team, but became very active in cross country and track. "A strong mind is a hard thing to waste if I don't put it to good use" he would always tell me. I thank him for everything he did for me, because it was than I became more responsible or more in charge of my life. I became more opinionated on things and more involved. I would get a part time job at the local grocery store and get my driver's license, just some of the responsibilities I took on.
I would graduate from high school and in would than graduate from college. I would soon move out of state because a part of me wanted to get away from that awful past life. I became involved with a gentleman that throughout the relationship he cheated and I would later cheat on him. He would always tell me that "I needed to work on my anger" and " I always let the anger get the best of me", but he was the one that pushed me to that. That relationship ended after 7 years.
I now have the best guy a woman could ever have. He has been supportive of us and it wasn't till the beginning of the relationship that things started to creep up. I had past baggage- who doesn't that would affect us. I would get angry over the littlest things, and the thoughts of the past would creep up. We tried therapy which we thought at first was great, but we would change our minds about a month later. The therapist was a very unorganized individual that would rush after the buzzer would sound and tell us what she wanted us to do. She wouldn't tell us to try anything new, she would fall back on her wanting me to write down what my body feels when I start to get angry or just tell my fiance that he needed to just leave for a few days if he felt that I was out of control.
I feel so bad for putting my fiance through all of the pain I have caused him. I want to help myself, I want to become a better person, this isn't me, it just isn't normal. I just need to find that perfect nitch that will help me become that better person that doesn't involve pill popping.
