List Your Joke, Funny Caption To Brighten Ptsd

[popeye]

A man named Marty called his son. “Harry I have news to tell you, I know it’s going to upset you but I have made up my mind and their is nothing you can do about it. I have decided to divorce your mother.” “But dad how can that be “the son asked “you have been married for 40 years, and you always seemed to get along? What happened suddenly?” “Son, I have made up my mind, and I don’t want you to try to convince me out of it.” “OK” the son responded “but promise me you won’t do anything until I come and talk to you in person, and I am going to ask all of the siblings to fly in also. ”Alright” said the father hanging up “you have my word." “Well” said Marty, turning to his wife “I got them all to come in and I didn’t even have to pay for the tickets.”

 

[cherryblossom]

A government warning said that anyone travelling in these icy conditions should take:

• Shovel, Blankets or sleeping bag

• Extra clothing including scarf, hat and gloves

• 24 hours supply of food and drink

• De-Icer & 5Kgs of Rock Salt

• Torch or lantern with spare batteries

• Road Flares and Reflective Triangles

• Tow rope

• 5 gallon petrol Jerry Can

• First Aid Kit & Jump Leads



I looked a complete idiot on the bus this morning!
:D:roflmao:

 

[amethist]

 

[amethist]

 

[KP the nut]

If you see 2 pigs and a piglet then everything is OK.
IN ALL OTHER CASES, YOU NEED TO SEE SOMEONE!!

 

[amethist]

:oops: On the phone now. :roflmao:

 

[ISupportHer]

I saw about 3 other explainations. All of which I will keep to myself, LOL.

ISH

 

[CraftyCath]

IN ALL OTHER CASES, YOU NEED TO SEE SOMEONE!!

Just e-mailed my T!!!! :roflmao:

 

[Deleted member 12835]

I think the ability to laugh at seemingly tragedy in my own life has helped me to survive PTSD.

Here's my joke of the day....

I plan on singing this at my abusers funeral (which cannot come soon enough). ha.

Munchkins
Ding Dong! The Witch is dead. Which old Witch? The Wicked Witch!
Ding Dong! The Wicked Witch is dead.
Wake up - sleepy head, rub your eyes, get out of bed.
Wake up, the Wicked Witch is dead. She's gone where the goblins go,
Below - below - below. Yo-ho, let's open up and sing and ring the bells out.
Ding Dong' the merry-oh, sing it high, sing it low.
Let them know
The Wicked Witch is dead!

As Mayor of the Munchkin City, In the County of the Land of Oz, I welcome you most regally.

But we've got to verify it legally, to see

To see?

If she

If she?

Is morally, ethic'lly

Spiritually, physically

Positively, absolutely

Undeniably and reliably Dead

As Coroner I must aver, I thoroughly examined her.
And she's not only merely dead, she's really most sincerely dead.

Then this is a day of Independence For all the Munchkins and their descendants
Barrister
If any.

Yes, let the joyous news be spread The wicked Old Witch at last is dead!

 

[freefloat]

What do you call a Doctor that graduates at the bottom of their class? Doctor.

 

[KP the nut]

What ends it 'i' 't' and is found at the bottom of a bird cage?
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
Grit :roflmao:

 

[popeye]

Application for Permission to Date My Daughter


APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless
accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage,
and current medical report from your doctor.

NAME_____________________________________ DATE OF BIRTH_____________

HEIGHT___________ WEIGHT____________ IQ__________ GPA_____________

SOCIAL SECURITY #_________________ DRIVERS LICENSE #________________

BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES____________________________________________

HOME ADDRESS_______________________ CITY/STATE___________ ZIP______

Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No
Is one male and the other female? ___Yes ___No
If No, explain:
______________________________________________________________

Number of years they have been married ______________________________

If less than your age, explain
______________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________


ACCESSORIES SECTION:

A. Do you own or have access to a van? __Yes __No

B. A truck with oversized tires? __Yes __No

C. A waterbed? __Yes __No

D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes __No

E. A tattoo? __Yes __No

F. Do you have an earring, nose ring, __Yes __No
pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring?

(IF YOU ANSWERED "YES" TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION
AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING.)


ESSAY SECTION:

In 50 words or less, what does "LATE" mean to you?

______________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does "DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER" mean to you?

______________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does "ABSTINENCE" mean to you?

______________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________


REFERENCES SECTION:

Church you attend ___________________________________________________

How often you attend ________________________________________________

When would be the best time to interview your:

father? _____________

mother? _____________

pastor? _____________


SHORT-ANSWER SECTION:

Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers
are confidential.

A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be:

______________________________________________________________

B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:

______________________________________________________________

C: A woman's place is in the:

______________________________________________________________

D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:

______________________________________________________________

E. What do you want to do IF you grow up? ___________________________

______________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________

F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:

______________________________________________________________

F. What is the current going rate of a hotel room? __________________

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO
THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT,
NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE
WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.


_________________________________________________________
Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name, moron!)


_______________________________ ________________________________
Mother's Signature Father's Signature

_______________________________ ________________________________
Pastor/Priest/Rabbi State Representative/Congressman

Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and
non-sexual. Please allow four to six years for processing.

You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do
not try to call or write (since you probably can't, and it would
cause you injury). If your application is rejected, you will be
notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases.