General Listening, Learning And Being Thankful

[hopeforhealing]

I am thankful to have found this forum. I have been reading a great deal of posts and trying to allow them to sink in. I still find myself with many questions and unknowns.

It has been just over a week now that my boyfriend has been staying "at his room". We text generally every day. We don't "say a lot" though. I am not pushing to understand why he is isolating, or removing himself from me.

I did however express my fear of the not knowing if he was coming back or not. He assured me he is coming back and does love me.

Some of the things I see as consistent words from carers is to set boundaries. If I am being honest with myself and others, I have to admit I don't have (and never have had) boundaries. I don't really know how to have boundaries. Perhaps that is part of the reason I am in this situation? I don't know what boundaries look like or where to even start with them.

I had my first counseling session a week ago Tuesday. I have to say it was hard and I am not feeling optimistic about things. (I am going to a community counseling center and the woman I have been assigned is a student and has little to no experience with PTSD. Not that I am only there to discuss PTSD)

I ask what does a boundary look like? Is this where I say if I haven't heard from him in 2 weeks I break off this relationship? Do I tell him I need to see you once a week? These things FEEL selfish to me when I know he is hurting. On the other hand I hear others saying I have to take care of myself. Where is the balance??? I hear it is healthy that he has rented a room to escape to when needed. Yet, this leaves me feeling abandoned and unsettled. Is this something that I need to accept as part of what he has going on if I want to be with him?

We were texting the other night and I said to him that I had been reading up on PTSD and that I was understanding that for those who suffer it is common to need periods of isolation and being withdrawn. I went on to say that it would help me if he was able to tell me some things, but i didn't want to push him. I wanted to know if it was ok for me to text him and if I should allow myself the thought that he was coming back. I told him I would like to opportunity to talk with him. That I heard him say and text that he loves me, and was he able to help me understand better instead of feeling like I am in limbo.

He responded by saying can we talk about it tomorrow, and that he was thinking of taking me to dinner next week. Talking about it over text might be easier, and that he'd like to see me. Of course this made me feel like the end was coming because he wanted to talk about things over text messages.

When we were able to communicate what he meant, he told me he didn't want to talk about HIS stuff in person, that it would be easier for him to answer my questions via text messages.

What does he mean "MY STUFF"??? I don't have a lot of questions except I want to know what to expect from our relationship. I wanted to be clear that if he chooses to see someone else, have sex, or anything of that nature, that I expected to know before and not after. We agreed.

I have not questioned him on "stuff". When I brought up the lack of intimacy he said he wasn't going to be able to do anything about that until September when he could see the VA (his actual retirement was Sept. 1, even though he left Louisiana June 1). I know he is anti medication, but am hopeful he will resume therapy. Do I get to ask? I don't wish to add to his stress levels and I have started asking if things add to his stress level and set up color words for him to tell me when to back off. Red tells me that he can't talk about something without him just not saying anything at all.

We left off with him telling me that nothing was coming (meaning a break up). He is just trying to focus on school and feeling like himself again. When I listen to these words I want to learn what that means. There are key words that I hear again and again that I don't understand. Feeling NUMB. What does that mean? "don't take it personally", again what does this mean?

In closing I want to say thank you to all that have shared and put forth effort on this forum. It is really very helpful to feel like there is someone else out there who gets it. To hear familiar words, even if they make me feel confused.

 

[Eleanor]

Lots of questions here: Boundaries, practically speaking are more or less automatic reactions that a behavior you don't like/are not willing to accept trigger. For example: I will not tolerate being yelled at - if he yells I politely say "I would like to have a conversation to work this out, and I will not be yelled at so I am leaving for two hours, and if you can speak to me in a normal tone of voice when I come back we can continue the conversation." You say very specifically what you will and won't put up with and follow up your words with appropriate actions.

So, a question for you: What are you willing to put up with? What are "deal breakers" in the relationship? What are you willing to tolerate for a time? When does the time run out?

PTSD is a hard hard road - and you can see what it is like for supporters by reading some of the supporter diaries here. That is what you are signing up for. Honestly, I can't see why anyone would do it knowingly. And I've had an easier road than many many others, and I'm pretty confident of a "happy ending" at this point. I am also exceptionally fortunate in my circumstances and in my partner. I am also stubborn as all get out. What do you want? If you don't want hard and painful - work on getting yourself healthier and find another (healthier) fella.

I suspect "his stuff" means his feelings and thoughts about his old trauma and his current feelings and situation.

"Numb" means just that - feeling and emotions are shut down. When the answer to "how do you feel" is... "I don't know. nothing really." And "don't take it personally" generally means that whatever he is feeling or thinking is being triggered by something in the past and is not directly in response to you or how he feels or thinks about you. Easier said than done.

If you want to stay in this relationship - have as normal a life for you as you can. Have friends. Do stuff. Pursue your hopes and dreams. And work on your own issues and making yourself the best person you can be. And take the interactions with him as they come.

I think the really important question for you tho is this: is this really the relationship road you want to travel?

 

[hopeforhealing]

Eleanor, I have been deep in thought about all of these things daily. We did have dinner, and did not address our situation. When texting later, it seems that what I want may not be part of the equation. He told me he loves me, but that he also wants to be alone.

My boundary is being alone while in a relationship. I already did that for 20 years, and feel like I would rather be truly alone. I can love this man till the cows come home, but I can't fix him. I can't change his behavior. I can't love him all better. My love isn't enough. I had an epiphany Saturday morning. I have given my everything to someone who does not want it. :( I can say that my actions have been foolish. I can also say that the emotional place that I am in, and where my children are is healthier. I wish I could have made these same changes without all of the negative things that have happened over the last 2+ years. Time to let go and accept things as they are.

My heart goes to the Serenity Prayer. 'God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change. The courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.'

I am responsible for myself and my children. To honor the promises I have made, and to try in all things I do.

I made the promise to this man when I didn't know about PTSD. I see now I was probably one of those short term relationships. I think those exist for the sufferer to get a boost, and or a distraction from what pains them.

I may have behaved like a fool, but I guess that means it can only look up from here? I need to adhere to the boundaries I know I have set and broken time and time again. It is time to ask him to come for his remaining belongings. I feel guilty and sad that he has moved so far across the country to be with me, but I don't know that I believe that was the only reason any more. Maybe he wanted to stay with me until he got things settled enough to move. He never contributed for utilities or rent. ugh!

 

[Eleanor]

Don't be too hard on yourself hopeforhealing. "Sooner or later, love makes fools of us all."

Here is what I learned in my first marriage (and a slow learner I was about it, too) You cannot be married to someone who is not willing/able to be married to you. It sounds like he is just not "partner material."

Doesn't really make it much easier - but it can make it clearer...

Many Hugs...