Little Girl Inside

[Springer80]

Hugger and The Waltons

I had a very interesting thing happen today. I've been to see a trauma specialist and we did a few sessions of sensori motor body psychotherapy. I always felt something inside which was tightly bound and protective, like something sleeping that wanted to be shared but refused to budge. Today I felt an angular shell like structure on my upper half that felt heavy and solid and vacuumed or grafted on. I wanted in to find out what it was for and a panel seemed to slide out but it kept its shape. As I talked about it I said there is something inside. I felt a little girl in their with her hands and feet pressing up against the sides., keeping the volume and density of the form. She was angry and a bit ferral and was wearing a short sleeved prairie type dress, like she'd escaped from The Waltons and had been living in the woods but still had some stupid dress on. Once I could see inside I saw the form wasn't solid it was constructed, panels, plastic, transparent etc. And slowly I understood that The Waltons kid was the shield of defiance that had kept me on some treadmill trying to escape my emotions. Somehow the hugger in my belly now has her and is trying to hold onto her until she likes being hugged. She still wriggles but she isn't in charge and hugger doesn't feel so desperate to grip, or to find things outside of me to alleviate need. My back feels better too and i don't feel conflicted and tired. Curious!

 

[Nyx]

Congrats, this is a huge step forward! :thumbsup:

 

[Springer80]

I woke up this morning and I feel like I've gone backwards. I feel vulnerable again and I've got to go back and face my doctor and work and a family that doesn't understand. And a life that feels very bare of the things that I need.

 

[Nyx]

Feeling vulnerable doesn't mean you've gone backwards. It's only normal to feel this way, you have exposed a huge part of you. It takes some time to get accustomed to it. Don't be discouraged, once you've made progress, no one can take it from you.

 

[Springer80]

I was supposed to get up and use my last free day before I have to go home to see some of the wider area. I woke up and felt small and felt safe just being in my hotel room. I went out eventually and went for a walk to a farm. I sat in the woods and cried. Not quite was I was planning. But I keep thinking I've got to go back tomorrow. I cant cope with it. Its so lonely, the last few days I have been with a therapist who understood my depersonalisation and dissociation etc. I haven't got any fight left and its ruining all the progress I made. with work etc. I don't know what to do. I read some of the threads that are on here about never believing its possible to have healthy relationships or having flashbacks brought on by looking at your own children. I don't want to have to fight this forever, my body cant take it anymore.

 

[Nyx]

It's not forever, as long as you keep putting in the work. I was afraid of the same thing while on my way to recovery. I know I didn't quite believe my therapist when she told me it wouldn't be forever. Now I do, because I feel it. There's still struggles I have to go over, true that. But that's just the way life goes. What I am sure of, though, is that I am no longer bound by my past. You can escape it, you just need to want to and to keep the faith.

 

[Springer80]

Thanks NYX,

I felt like all four parts of me where getting in sync when I was actually doing the body therapy. My gut knows what I want and my heart feels what I want but my body gets scared then my mind goes haywire and I can't say/act how I need too.

I think my heart and gut and finally my body is falling into line a bit more, although still throwing the odd curve ball out of habit. Denying how you feel cos you've been vulnerable for so long is tough. I feel like I can start slowly inviting things into my life and exploring out a bit more. It's just I have a scaredy scooby doo that I have to drag out of the cupboard. It's ok to admit your a bit of a softy though right??

 

[Nyx]

It's also okay to be one :) Hope it all falls in place for you soon.

 

[Springer80]

Here's a thought thats just come to me today....There is a difference between defiance and denial. Defiance is the hard side of me that pushed me on, saying I don't care that you don't care. Its all outward and in you face. But it sheilds you from what you deny yourself, that it did hurt you and in so doing you deny yourself what you actually need to get better.

I've been struggling with defiance and thats gone now but finding the compassion and resolve to remove self denial is tough. It's integrating all that internal stuff and stopping a self defeating cycle. It's a completely new language to learn.

 

[Springer80]

Self denial is dissipating and it feels like oil released into water and melting. My belly feels different and my mind is not so pressured. I am not squeezing my light by hugging it so hard it can't move or escape from my belly. I slept, peacefully. I feel in own skin. Weird!

I know I have to take this slowly and not expect big things or try to make up for the compressed time which has gone. I want to start using it for the things I want. I'll try not hide in this forum or behind my old behavior or any medical labels either. I know I do it sometimes cos it's safer. But its time for small test drives. I'm not sure what to do.

Before I've always put big achievements to prove/ignore this. Or I've wanted to run to some mythical other person who do it for me. Well it looks like I finally have a third option. What to do? Does anyone get what I mean? I feel the potential and I know that what I want and need is to use it, share it, have it returned. But what do I do? Maybe it just happens anyway, without me having to think of a list. Maybe I just go about my business slowly being nice to myself and the stuff I needed to happen does and by magic its what I wanted.

 

[treble.maker]

This is a very interesting thread, and I'm glad that somebody mentioned it! I get described as a "child at heart" all the time, and I think this is because I was robbed of several years out of my childhood. And I'm glad to know that I'm not the only one who feels this way.

And everything Springer has posted has been very informative! I love it. :-)

 

[anndeb]

I have a very strong little girl inside who surfaces a lot.. and I need to develop more techniques to help her cope when she is vulnerable and unable to handle life in the adult world. I like BL's modeling to herself a 'good enuf' mother to carry inside and let help that little girl. Yes, she is incredibly strong, yet she also needs help now and then. Too often she gets severely reprimanded by the mean mother I have inside from my real mother.. She needs help not hurting!