Little Girl Inside

[Springer80]

Another step.

I felt two versions of me....one was my body, my flesh and bones, the other was my actions always propelled by my ptsd, that drag me around, exhausting my body and distressing my real emotions with bewildering behavior.

I feel the chain that connects the two. My brain stretched out along it trying to retrieve and synchronise the them. Trying attempting to cover two goals, never being able to properly defend one or the other.My heart in the middle drowning in the fight.

Well somehow, this constant strain has gone.

I have/had a depersonalization disorder.

This feels strange. I'm in my body. I don't know what to do. It feels as alien as what was before but less physical straining. I don't know how to use it?

 

[fedup49]

I feel like half my brain is 12 and the other half is 43, and I just don't know who is going to 'come out'

It has got me into some serious scrapes at times at work.

I have just been diagnosed with PTSD and its very scarey as I am getting more flashbacks and nightmares.

Last week in therapy I had a panic attack, and in dissasosiated . It was like I was floating above my body. I could see me sat in the chair and I could hear my therapists voice, but it seemed so far away. My inner child was so frightened , I could hear my voice telling someone to go away . I eventually managed to get my breathing under control and get back into my body.

My T asked me what my inner child wanted and I said I didn't know, she asked me what I wanted and I said a hug. She gave me a hug, but my inner child was so mad at me for not letting her have it. I find it all so hard to deal with.

How do you all cope ?

 

[Lucycat]

I had to cope with this in the past, but as I have 'processed' my trauma, the inner child has needed far less attention. As you recover the dissociation gets less. I found just knowing what was happening made it all less frightening.

I have been diagnosed for almost 3 years. I have been in therapy all that time, and it really is only in the past wee while that I have really felt better. There have been times along the way when I thought I was 'normal', but then when I look back now I can see that I was still on my journey to recovery.

My advice is to give the inner child all the care and attention she needs. Give her love and hugs and be aware of her needs. She will let you know when it is time to let her go, and she will feel safe.

Best wishes!

 

[Springer80]

Somatic unfurling week, I've had two big lots of trauma release and body integration this week. And some crazy symbolic dreams. I think I'm getting to a stage were the integrations are such that I don't feel a big difference between me and an internal little girl. It feels like she has morphed into me and now when I have 'releases/integrations' she is just becoming more integrated and more present in me. I feel and look softer, the way I dress etc, the feelings/thoughts I finally feel I have the strength to value and prioritize as I need too.

Any way this weeks integrations. Two prongs, like a continental plug, at the top centre of my left hand brain, jacked into the roof of my skull. I can feel the warmth of activity. A line of energy down my neck and sinks into the space were my neck meets my shoulder.

I feel a ring, like a kettle element go from the crux of my neck round in a circle half way down my back and returns to the right axis of my neck/shoulder joint. For years I have felt pressure in this area. Like I was bunched up and I was always doing exercises to push it back down. turns out it needed pushing up!! I feel balanced.

Second one was more strange....My hear felt heavy. I was wrestling with feeling and as stayed with my body I realized that it wasn't my heart I was struggling with put a shield that was in front. The weight was too much. I took it off in my mind and I could feel my heart beat in my chest. I haven't felt that for years it always been in my belly. As I let myself feel my hear in my chest, my stomach began to relax very deeply and contortions of anxiety that I had kept in there for a long time dissipated. My breathing changed, the air felt more able to enter, my lungs inflate more.

 

[anndeb]

My little girl pops up regularly, coming and going fairly easily these days, glad to say with fairly clear indications of when she is present and when I am 'in my adult' .. I feel pretty at home with her now as I know she is simply releasing emotions from the past which never before had been able to be 'alive' and processed, usually because it didn't feel safe to do that at the time, when I was biologically a child.

I will often seek out a supportive person to talk with about what is going on inside when she appears as that often helps me sort out what is happening, what happened in the past and how the present relates to it. When this is successful, as it was this past Sun. morning great feelings of warmth and love and energy are released and I can go from weepy sadness and frustration to joy after simply feeling, acknowledging and comforting the child within me. It is a wonder to me, sad because it seems necessary for me to grow and get to know myself but so liberating none the less and a blessing for my life now. It is as it is I guess.

 

[timid]

This is what I am scared of..too overwhelming when the people that love you don't even know the hell you have been through.

 

[Springer80]

Thing is timid eventually those feelings make their way out on their own...unless you go down the alcoholism or drugs route which isn't great and even if you do that they still come out, just later on.

It is frightening but eventually when all that stuff has 'leaked' out of you, you come to terms with who she is/you are and you get to feel normal again and happy and calm and at peace with yourself. Your body does it for you in a way, you just have to find the courage to let it and be patient and make room for the changes it needs whilst it's working it's way out. :love:

 

[timid]

Thank you springer80, that is encouraging to hear that--that it is a process which will eventually allow me to get better. I am staying strong and not resorting to drugs!:thumbsup: