Living A Lie!

[Glenn R.]

Recently, I have rekindled childhood friendships on Facebook with people I haven't seen in over 40 years. I just can't tell these people the truth about my PTSD and that I had to retire on go on disability 13 years ago. So I lie about why I still don't work, making it sound like I am only semiretired and collect a pension. I'm terrified of rejection more today than ever. My inner critic (persecutor, as my therapist calls it) judges me and beats me up to no end, and the judgment of others provokes even worse condemnation from it. That constant dialog of criticism is by far more painful than the PTSD itself!

I'm not comfortable with lying and withholding things from others. It detracts from the little self esteem I have nowadays. On the other hand, the consequences of telling the truth and having to contend with that inner critic is just as bad.The only three people who know the entire truth are my girlfriend, psychiatrist and therapist.

It is a terrible quagmire to be stuck in!

 

[theotherside]

At least you reach out some. I deleted fb long long ago as it wasnt good for me. I have shared my diagnosis but i have not got much support. Your inner critter (haha) sounds like mine.
Your not really living i lie i think fakebook is the lie!! Lol

 

[Notsowild]

Its awful. We go about our life pretending we fit in for fear of rejection. I hate it too. I want to tell the world "Hey I have PTSD and I'm not a bad person". I can totally relate. And you have us here to talk to. We definetly understand.:hug:

 

[ekane]

Don't feel bad. People on Facebook haven't earned your trust and therefore haven't earned your precious story. If they understood even a fraction of what you've dealt with they would be proud if you just for surviving this long! But folks don't know what they don't know. And trust me, a lot of them are hiding stuff in their personal life too. Our culture makes is hard for anyone to fully be "real".

 

[Glenn R.]

Thanks for your understanding, people! If there is one thing I can wish for before I leave this world, it's that emotional disorders are treated with the same dignity and compassion by this society as the ones below the shoulders.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Truth. People change.

Truth. Nobody is the same person that they were when they were a kid.

Truth. If these people judge you for who you are and where you are in life, they are not your friends. Losing them would be no "loss".

I deleted my Facebook account because it was making my life drama-rific. I hated it. And it is NOT "social" in that knowing someone across a screen is not the same as knowing them in person. I can make friends so easily online, but most of the time, when I have met some of these people, the relationships fall apart. It is not a "wholly" social activity in that respect. That is, these people only know and like a small fraction of who you actually are.

 

[Glenn R.]

SOLARA: You are absolutely correct! I have noticed for the past five years (and have complained) that people are using social media to avoid actual wholesome face-to-face relationships. Several times I have requested, after a year or more, a Facebook friend and I take it to the next level: phone calls, video chats, etc. More often than not, they have ignored my request, and they don't even know I have PTSD. I hate to imagine how they would respond if they did know the entire story.

You also hit the hammer on the nail's head when you note we all probably just get a small picture of others on social media, that only they want us to see.

Fortunately, I have been able to rekindle a few childhood relationships in which I felt safe enough to share the truth. Loneliness is a huge problem for me, as I no longer work and often feel too crappy to socialize. So when I can just hear a few voices on the phone or see a few friends now living in other parts of the country, it is truly a blessing.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Glenn,

Its really sad how people sometimes prefer these more superficial relationships behind a screen! I have had relationships fall apart over TEXT because the other person simply refused to answer the phone when I called so that we could talk things out. I mean its easy to misunderstand things that are written, and I honestly wanted to make things right. This happened with two different friends of mine that I had known for quite awhile. That is, I knew both of them before all this social media stuff and even before cell phones and texting were the norm. Much of our friendships were built on phone time! But these people made the switch to being text only people, which is really sad as there is such a disconnect when you only deal with someone in that way.

I think that people can make decent connections on Facebook but for me the negatives by far outweighed the positives. I also have made friends elsewhere online (here, a pen pal site) and while you still do have to wade through a bit of drama (lets face it, no place, online or off, is perfect!), it seems that these other sites aren't so superficial and people are a lot more "real". That is, here, we aren't trying to get people to like us (that's not the main motivation for being on my PTSD) and on the pen pal site, its more about finding a connection with someone than simply bragging about how great you are (our profile pages are quite limited!)

I understand that some people prefer to stay behind a screen, but what's the harm in reaching out and making the jump to knowing the person IN person? Its sad that so many have turned you down. I honestly think that the "social" part of social media makes people think they are getting a true social connection, but it isn't in that we miss many parts of the social experience! I mean you have the communication bit, and the sharing bit, but you miss the spoken word with intonation, you miss the body language, you miss the facial expressions, you miss simply being in the presence of someone, you miss any physical contact, even if it is just a handshake or hug (which can be a lot for someone if they don't get any such contact at all!) I do enjoy my online friends, but I realize that for many, this is the confines of our relationship and I will never meet them. On the other hand, if I ever had the chance to meet someone that I got to know online, you bet I'd jump at the chance! Sadly, its not always possible as the sites I meet people on are international sites and my friends are around the world!

 

[Glenn R.]

SOLARA: Thank you so much for your kind and empathetic response. I needed it badly today, as my nightly nightmares were extremely injurious last night -- literally. I ended up punching the lamp on my side table in my sleep, knocking it over the side and slightly hurting my hand. I also shocked the hell out of my wife.

Yes, this site is a Godsend. I've been waiting for it for such a long time. There are no outside support groups for PTSD in South Florida, and the VA only has them for victims of the combat and rape varieties. I have C-PTSD!

I've been feeling really crappy about living my life in such fear of others finding out about my PTSD. I guess this is how gay people felt until recently. I'm hoping our shallow, narrow-minded society soon becomes more knowledgeable and compassionate about emotional disorders the way it has recently to gay marriage, medical marijuana and a few other social issues that have historically been taboo. I'd hate to think I will drop dead some day in a world which is as ignorant and insensitive to mental health as it was when I was born almost 62 years ago.

The most important thing, I believe, is that I somehow, someday come to fully love and accept myself with the PTSD -- and the multitude of neuroses that have resulted from it. The disorder is bad enough, but the way it has depleted my self esteem has been far more painful. Of course, my relentless Inner Persecutor has assisted it in every way possible.

Again, thanks for your feedback!