Sufferer Living For 21 Years With The Horrors Of Military Service

[markymark]

Here we are again, 1am in the morning wide awake, my ears buzzing, mind racing, and saddened. I was full of hope and new optimism when I had a chance to finally talk to my parents about my attackers and how it's been in my life for the past 21 years.

I knew it was a mistake to even let them into my world. Being full of feelings of rejections for so long, I had this pain in my gut every time I mustered the courage to consider talking with them. I had a decent childhood and was always well provided for but my mom was always a fragile person so I was always a afraid to talk to her about anything.

I was told by my attackers to never say a word, that they would find ways to destroy me or hurt my family no matter no matter where I was. Day or night, and no matter how long it took would they hunt me down. And phraises like "this our special secret" or "no one would believe you anyway" are the threats that played through my mind for so long. I 200% believed what they said. Why not, they had the will and sick and twisted ability-without any conscious- to physically harm, abuse, and attack me.

After talking with my parents I was able to sleep for the first time in a while having felt that I no longer had to cary this burden and loneliness myself. Just as I expected, I was wrong. I should have never said a thing. My therapist said this would be a most difficult thingnto accomplish, but if I could do it, would be a defining point in healing.

God bless my beautiful wife for asking them to come and see me. I could never muster the courage by myself. But we both feel it was a mistake, now.

I have now learned that that they believe I'm lying. That I'm a pathological liar. They justify this by saying I was lying when I was 2. Or because of failed relationships in my life. Or of failed pursuits. We all lie. We all get caught. I always got caught anyway, my mom could always tell when any of us growing up were lying. We all fail, we all also have successes too in which I have many.

This May I was real sick, not knowing what was happening to me. I've endured spinal taps, painful proceedures, needles, and probes in my head to figure out what was wrong with me. I had several injuries, self inflicted trauma due to disasociation, and injuries i don't know howmit happened. I even agreed to have my car tracked ny satellite.

My tests revealed slowing in my front temporal lobe, EEG spikes confirming my migraines and nerve damage when I took a head blow from my attacker. Got 36 stitches in my head from that. Tests also confirm very high cortesol levels and suspected seritonan deficiencies which is why I take all these seratonin antagonists.

While I was initially hurt and upset they don't believe me, there is some peace in knowing where you stand. And you know what? Just as my attackers told me that no one would believe me, I guess comes as no shock that they don't believe me. Thismis what I believed for so long anyway.

God and my wife are the only ones I can trust now. My dear wife has been there every step of the way. She has seen my downs and my progress. She doesn't judge me. No one has the right or authority to judge me. But she can tell you how much progress I have made. How much of a better person I am becoming.

 

[markymark]

Oops, didn't mean to repost this, just learning how to keep these in good format.

I have learned about the DID symptoms of PTSD is that it is very rare, my wife is reading "a fractured mind" by Robert Oxanam (which she suggests should be required reading for spouses of DID) Some say e cases are only 1 in 10000. And becausenof this there has been very little research on the disease.

Im not going to read it because there's nothing in it I probably don't already know. But, she says it helps her to understand many of my bizarre behaviors and rituals. Praise God she cares enough to understand this.

Due to the reaction and recourse of my family (and I'm sure they talked to my siblings about my conversations with my parents), and the fact there is very little on this subject, I would now recommend that suffersmshare this with NO ONE! Period, the end!

What I thought would be a step in the direction of more healing has back-fired. Thank you to the people of this forum and those who created it for this safe place to place and discuss feelings. I'm learning more everyday how to talk, and this forum has already answered questions I've been desperate for answers to.

 

[Eleanor]

Oh Mark. I'm so sorry that your parents did not step up for you. :(:mad::sick: People believe what they want to believe, and it sounds like your folks would rather feel comfortable about themselves than deal with the facts. I am guessing that this is not the first time in your experience of them that this has been the case? How totally awful. And I think it will turn out that it was not a "mistake". It is not going the way you'd hoped, but you have just faced a significant reality in your past, and - here is the thing - it affirms YOU. What they would have done then? Don't know, likely the same as now. But YOU did what you needed to to survive and grow and heal to the point where you could find and marry a wonderful woman. Something a great many "normal" people don't manage. And now you know there wasn't more you could have done THEN to have bettered your situation. You did and are doing an excellent job under extraordinary circumstances. Super job.:tup: As someone whose parents "present well" and have, nevertheless, "the emotional depth of a teaspoon", and avoid conflict at all costs - I totally get both your hope and your disappointment in this.:cry:

For myself, I am a big fan of skepticism. It is hard to know if your parents will talk to your siblings - the whole thing potentially paints them in a rather bad light, no? Also, your siblings have quite a different position on the thing, and are, on the whole, much more likely to believe you anyway. Suspend expectations maybe, but watch where the chips fall... Just my two two cents:)

DID is strange shit. Thank you for the book reference. I will check it out.

 

[markymark]

Thanks Eleanor. How to process these feelings of rejection from your own family is very confusing as well as depressing. But your point is taken, as a father of 4 myself, I would think of myself as a failure and try to find excuses to project this to something else. However, if you are true loving parent, and even if you thought your child was lying, wouldn't you see this a cry for attention.? Wouldnt a loving parent face it head on and try to figure out what was going on without judgement?

What do I have to gain anyway? I'm paying for all my therapy myself and don't know how much more I can do it. I go every week faithfully. I don't complain. There's nothing for me to gain except becoming the person my family deserves.

My parents however are very judgmental fundamental baptists whose beliefs are clouded by their belief they are special and justified. Nothing is ever wrong with them. It is always someone else's fault or problem because God gives them authority to judge others. Hypocrisy!

A loving and just God would never approve of his people casting judgment on others. Oh, and by the way, they think I should get a new therapist because he putting things in my head, what would he have to gain from this? He's a govnt employee. He's not paid by the quantity.

Do you see why I'm such a mess?

 

[Eleanor]

However, if you are true loving parent, and even if you thought your child was lying, wouldn't you see this a cry for attention.? Wouldnt a loving parent face it head on and try to figure out what was going on without judgement?

Yes, yes and yes! That's why the problem is pretty obviously with them, not you. Which doesn't make it less painful. And it shows you, every day, what could happen if we don't pursue our own healing. When we stay stuck in our dysfunctions we abandon our kids, even when we are in the same room. I feel like I am constantly scrambling to keep up with my 5 year old's needs - and my 20-something step children... I often feel like I am just out of my depth.

My parents however are very judgmental fundamental baptists whose beliefs are clouded by their belief they are special and justified. Nothing is ever wrong with them. It is always someone else's fault or problem because God gives them authority to judge others.

Well, I've got to think that they just haven't done the reading. "Judge not" comes to mind - and a lot of St. Paul on the ubiquitous (I love that word) nature of sin. So they are the only "unbroken vessels" in this broken world? Maybe, but it seems unlikely. "By their fruits..." Hmm. Nope, I can't see it. They just haven't READ the thing. Or they are very unclear on the concepts. In any case, they've managed to work themselves into a nice little cocoon where they don't have to deal with anything unpleasant. The problem is that it also cuts them off from all real relationships with others - and maybe even with each other. That seems to me like its own kind of hell.... Maybe you could just love them from a distance?

Apart from the general, generous principled reasons why any parent SHOULD help a suffering child - why did you think they would step up this time?

Do you see why I'm such a mess?

Um. No. I mean, I don't really see that you ARE a mess. You are in a messy situation, to be sure. But I'm not seeing that YOU are a mess. You seem pretty straight up to me.

 

[markymark]

Thanks Elenor, you have helped lower my blood presure, today. A messy situation it is. And your're right, taking control of this myself is the only way to heal. Thinking other's you may trust might understand your plight, is their problem if they don't, not mine.

The only person(s) I trust is God, and my wife who has endured this with me for 20 years.

 

[markymark]

Well I had to set the boundaries with my family. The are still unwilling to accept that I suffer with this and judge me and analyze me as if they the are experts. The accuse my therapist of putting things in my head. My brother had the audacity to call my wife and tell her he was afraid for hers and my children's safety. That she should take the kids and get out. They truly believe that I can snap my fingers and all this mental anguish, trauma, and depression to go away.

What did I do to deserve this response from them? I wanted to share my feelings thinking it would help to finally get this out to them. Feelings should be verbalized not CRITISIZED !

Feeling more isolated than ever. What is everyone afraid of?

 

[Robert N. Lee]

FWIW, markymark, my dad just started getting help a little over a year ago, and he served in Vietnam. And his brother (not a vet) didn't believe him at first, either, and actually told him flat out that he thought he was just soaking the military for extra retirement money or something.

They've actually managed to patch things up somewhat, lately, but they didn't talk for about a year after that.

Hoping for the best for you, here.

 

[simplekindofgirl]

I think the biggest problem surrounding the views on PTSD is the "hollywoodization". In the movies, a person with ptsd or flashbacks rather, is usually written out to be a sociopath, schizophrenic, delusional, and insane character who acts out on all of those conditions- usually acting out in murder. Most people who do not have hands on experience in dealing with PTSD would relate their idea of what PTSD is to this hollywood implemented character. Not quite fair to those people who have the actual condition.

Their lack of understanding is sad, but it is not altogether uncommon. Let me just suggest that you let them know that you will be continuing your therapy, and that if they are not willing to be supportive of what you are going through with PTSD then it should not and will no longer be discussed with them. Take care of you, with or without their support. But I don't think it is fair to exclude them from your life, unless you personally feel that it is warranted. You can simply eliminate the topic of PTSD until they are willing to accept it.

You have a wife who supports you, let that be enough for your peace of mind.

Hugs to you both.

 

[Rose33]

Markymark, first of all, welcome to this forum. The fact that you're reaching out for help is a big step. Now, the fact that you did military service is a heroic thing. Even though bad things happened to you during military service, it takes courage to do it. It also takes courage to survive all that trauma you've endured. You should really consider yourself a hero. It is however going to take a lot to recover and I wish you all the luck in the world. I don't know much about military stuff since I'm just a young girl but I can only imagine. I'm also not really helpful, but I do know that whatever trauma you went through, you can get over it, but I takes a lot of will and energy. That's not going to be a problem for you though; I personally think that you'll soon feel a lot better because you've got your family's support and that's a huge thing. You also have the support of people on this forum. You have to talk about your trauma,as you know already, and it's okay to cry. It's also important for you to know that all that happened to you in the past is never coming back, so you don't have to fear.

Anyway, I really hope you'll be better and I'll be watching this thread. I wish you all the best.

 

[Darran]

talking2minds is what you are looking for. I had 3 years of Hell on my own until I went on the change course. Please, just have a look at the testimonials, and then make up your mind.

 

[soulofLC]

The are still unwilling to accept that I suffer with this and judge me and analyze me as if they the are experts.

I wanted to share my feelings thinking it would help to finally get this out to them.

Feeling more isolated than ever. What is everyone afraid of?

Wow, Markymark, I think we have the same families. My family of origin are very "religious" and judgemental. They also think that I can just pick myself up and get over it, that I just need to think positive. They have not lifted a finger to help me and have judged me.

My brother is a pastor and conselor at a church, and he thinks he can cure PTSD with one session with him. Bauhhhhhhahahahaha!!

Sorry, I believe in healing, in miracles, but please.

My grown children also don't get it. They criticize and pick on me, and behave as though they have little concern for my well being. That is the biggest suprise of all; the biggest kick in the ass. They tell me they love me, and hug me sometimes, but that is pretty much it. They can't handle a sick mom. I try to remember to look for the 'fallen light with patience at the rim of the well of darkness'...a paraphrase from a poem by Pablo Neruda.


My family of origin is probably saying I am getting what I deserve. But I know I did not do anything to deserve this treatment or this illness. I gave of myself freely to all of them as much as I could, until I couldn't. Perhaps that is the rub.

I am glad you have your wife to support you. I want a dog or cat! That will have to suffice as my husband for the time being!

Best to you, markymark. I hope you find healing and support on this site. I think it is quite good; I have found support here when I needed it most.