Sufferer Living in fear. ptsd following son's suicide.

[Esterio]

Hi Ricky
All we can really do is to continue to try to move forward continue to be kind to ourselves and others if possible. It is not something that will change easily. I wish you strength to move forward in therapy.
Peace be safe

 

[Justmehere]

You know the accusations are distorted and making the accusations is destructive to your relationship. What is the "benefit" from continuing to make them? This is an honest question. I sometimes struggle with my own maladaptive coping tools... and my therapist will sometimes ask what do I gain from doing them even when I know they are unhealthy? The point of asking this is because in most cases, humans don't continue a behavior unless there is some kind of possible gain from doing the behavior --- and perhaps there may be another way to get that benefit without the maladaptive tool. For example, I will at times fail to return phone calls to the degree it annoys and frustrates people. I don't want to do it but I do it. What do I gain by doing it? Space. So I'm trying to set better boundaries and expectations with people and I'm finding it easier to return calls. Some people rage at loved ones. That's another way to create space and set a boundary and sometimes to gain a sense of control. Sometimes the process of stopping rageful outbursts is to find a healthy way to feel in control and set boundaries.

Another thing that you might consider is what would things be like if you didn't make the accusations. What would happen then? What are the fears you have about that possibility? I think you already know some of this - you would have to face the grief.

Grief, especially over he loss of a child, is freaking scary. It is worth it to walk it through and learn to ride those waves. I've lost most of my own family not to death but to other things. I have times of really really rough grief.

Another thing to think about doing is keeping a log of your day. There may be some triggers that happen during the day that seem irrelevant but later lead to you making more accusations towards your wife, or other symptoms. If triggers can be identified then you might be able to come up with a trigger management plan that will help reduce the unwanted behavior of making the accusations.

I love the idea of writing the letters to your wife. Slow the process down and really think it through.

You are already taking a lot of great steps by getting counseling and working on these really difficult issues. Keep up the very good work you have begun. It's worth it. If things get worse for a season, that's normal. Hang on. It usually gets better.

 

[Akhos]

Humans, if I can generalise, need to feel safe and secure, including men, lets be honest. If a human is becoming less emotionally honest, its normally because they can sense that something isnt going well, and the very basic need for any human is self preservation, be that physical, emotional, psychological. It sounds like she is possibly not being emotionally honest as she can sense things are not going well and withdrawing to protect herself. I do the same myself with the wife due to my current issues. I push her away because I believe, rationally or not, that she is a threat to me psychologically and emotionally. This isnt the case, shes a great girl, but thats the thing about irrational thought processes, they make us believe things which may not be true. Luckily for me, my wife is incredibly stubborn so she stays with me, poor girl.

I like writing letters to the wife, and she sometimes writes her response back to me. The beauty of this is that you can take as long as you long to write it, you can phrase it how you like, explain yourself in a way which may not be possible face to face, because, lets be honest, once an argument starts, all ability to correctly and rationally explain your point of view or concerns go out the window, especially if you are trying to show an emotional perspective. Argument starts, our ability to explain our emotional state or concern vanishes as we now feel threatened by the argument. It also alleviates the pressure from her to respond to you straight away, so if she gets angry, she cant suddenly retaliate with something on the spur of the moment because you arent there. I wrote one to my wife a few weeks ago saying how much I am struggling with life and I dont want to be here anymore. When I got home from work, she opened the door with tears in her eyes and just gave me a massive hug and we chatted for hours - she wasnt aware of how much I was struggling even though I had verbally told her a few times.

Be kind to yourself, and be kind to your wife. It is so easy to find fault and blame when both parties are suffering from loss, but remember, she is also suffering as well and she needs support as well. I imagine its scary for her to lose her son, and in her mind, possibly her husband as a result. Communication is absolutely key - it doesnt have to be verbal communication if its not possible at this stage, but communication. Also trust - once trust is gone, any relationship is doomed. Its a massive structural component of any relationship - plutonic or otherwise.

Oh, Ricky, when was the last time you just put your arms around your wife for no reason and just told her you loved her. That is something which us men often forget to do, but its a really simple thing with a massive benefit, for both of you.

 

[Ricky C]

Justmehere, thank you for the insight. I’ve never thought about logging/identifying the triggers through the day. That would help tremendously. I’ll have to think about what I gain from making the accusation. I think when I make the accusation I’m literally living the reality and I desperately want the “truth”. But there is no “truth” to explain irrational thoughts... I really need to avoid her/protect her when I find myself living the “irrational reality” and can’t get out of it. I just started learning grounding techniques. They are effective as long as I use them at the onset of things. Perhaps because is so new to me...

 

[Ricky C]

All the advice is extremely helpful. Taking notes. I will put them into action. I’m so thankful I found this group!

 

[Mytime]

Hi Ricky C, welcome to the forum. I'm so sorry for your loss. I feel you did a great job sharing your thoughts and feelings in your post. Have you thought of shaving the same with your wife in a letter. Explaining your thoughts and feelings. Let her know your true feelings and thoughts are good and loving of her. I'm a supporter and wished I had something I could of read to reassure me I was loved. Maybe have a copy for yourself to read when needed. Sending you support.

P.s It would help your wife if she's in therapy too. Her having support from someone who understands and she can feel safe talking about her feelings.