Dom Violence Living With Someone Who Is Undiagnosed Bipolar And Intimate Rape

[Queen Boudica]

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"The one question our culture often asks of victims/survivors of domestic abuse is: “Why do/did you stay in an abusive relationship?” or “Why doesn’t she just leave?” Sometimes the question is meant as an honest inquiry. However, often it is spoken with an undercurrent of hostility or disbelief (i.e. “It couldn’t have been that bad” or “You must have liked it” or “If you wanted to leave, you would have.”), sending a message that women who stay in abusive relationships are somehow to blame for their abuse."

 

[Deleted member 487]

Questioning you is not abuse.

Actually, you were not questioning me as much as you try to make it appear. Read what you said-

1. You just told me you have read up on this and are an expert on it so I would like to see those studies so I can verify it myself.
– I never claimed to be an expert.

2. Just because you say there are studies does not mean they exist.
– In that you are questioning my integrity.

3. REally you know from first hand experience all these women who enjoy being abused and then turn into abusers.
– I never said it in that context.

4. How many, what percentage of the abused population is that?
– All in all you are abusing me. That is verbal and mental abuse.

That Does Not Work With Me.

CJ... I was writing while you & Lizio were squaring off. I was simply answering a question (if not because they enjoy it, why?). While the ignorance group gets the most press (& I was in that group my first abusive relationship), personally, I know hundreds of battered spouses, the vast majority in my own personal experience, who stay NOT for the trapped-in-cycle-of-abuse... But for the same reason I did. We are under no illusion it's not abuse. It's simply the surest way to protect the children involved. I never said you claimed I should have stayed. I'm saying I should have stayed.

No, you should not have, you should have gotten the F out of there after the first time he hit you. No matter, it is now hindsight.

I have (and had) 3 options apart from staying:
- Kill the bastard
- Custodial Interference/ Kidnapping... Same result as killing the bloke, I'd be in prison sooner or later, but with this one TheEx would get full custody.
- Divorce, go up to my eyeballs in debt, and have to count on a wrecked system / aka the legal route.
Granted, I did have a head injury when I decided to go the legal route.

Considering the abuse I went thorough, I should have killed the MF’ers outright. Better off getting 15 to life in prison than life imprisonment with the constant nightmares I have. In prison I would be sane. In the here and now I am far from it.

Here's the thing: I doubt that the majority of women that "go for" relationships with abusive men were actually being abused during the early days of the relationship.

Love can disguise many things, yes.

AKA I don't think the majority sets out consciously to be abused.
So, it doesn't matter whether you are an abuser or aren't - I won't want to date you on the basis of your assurance that you're not going to hit me. That's honestly kind of reductive. I should date someone specifically because they won't hit me, regardless of anything else? There are other factors too. I know you know that because you were married to a woman who turned out to be abusive, right?

I did not say they should date me because I’m not abusive.
Case in point- there’s this very attractive young woman that made it clear she found me attractive. In brief discussion she made it clear that now there is no chance of a relationship, but if I lose weight, then there’s the chance we could. I have since then lost 30 pounds, then yesterday I found out she’s in a relationship with a man iolder than me (which is fine), wealthier than me (hmmm), he has a couple professional degrees (big deal), and he hits her. I could tell by looking at the make up she goops on to hide the bruises. And she also made it clear there is ZERO chance of anything happening between us. Ok, her call.

And she’s been beaten before.

To me that felt insulting. And it hurt.

My ex didn't show any abuse towards me until AFTER I told him a bit about my rapes.
I think that information gave him permission in his mind to become a sadist. But that was not the guy I had been with up til that point. There were no signs that he'd turn into what he did. Or if there were, I truly didnt see them then, and even in the 20/20 of hindsight, I don't see them.
Just my two cents.

I cannot account for his reasoning. I know if I were presented that information by my GF/wife I sure wouldn’t do that. Havuing a history of abuse never justifies furthering it.

When I was married my wife and I discussed her abuse a few times. I remember one night specifically where we were in bed together, she was in tears telling me this, and I turned and looked at her and I told her point blank something I stand by to this very day- I will kill myself long before I ever consider abusing her or our children.

About a week maybe two later she started hitting me.
We lasted one maybe two months after that because I drew the line.

EDIT TO ADD: I was also posting at the same time as some of the above; not trying to create a pile-on.

NP.

no illusion it's not abuse. It's simply the surest way to protect the children involved. I never said you claimed I should have stayed. I'm saying I should have stayed.
I have (and had) 3 options apart from staying:
- Kill the bastard
- Custodial Interference/ Kidnapping... Same result as killing the bloke, I'd be in prison sooner or later, but with this one TheEx would get full custody.
- Divorce, go up to my eyeballs in debt, and have to count on a wrecked system / aka the legal route.
Granted, I did have a head injury when I decided to go the legal route.

Your call.

 

[Queen Boudica]

I am not verbally and mentally abusing you. If you take it that way it is your problem. I asked for studies and percentage figures because saying something like women enjoy abuse and will go onto abuse if they can't get it needs justification and proof as that kind of attitude continues to damage any hope of real understanding of abuse and shames women who have real reasons why they do not leave.

Put it down to women enjoy it and that is why they stay. So that is why I question a remark like that on a post where a woman is being abused and she is probably terrified and yet a remark like she must enjoy it is OK.

Whilst I have said that for the sake of her kids she needs to leave, I well understand why she isn't. I don't think it is the right thing but it has nothing to do with enjoying it and that kind of attitude perpetuates the myth that women enjoy being abused and gives excuses for men to carry on doing it.

 

[Deleted member 487]

I see my posts are now moderated....AFAIC the comments I have heard so far are uncalled for and abusive. And *I* am moderated.
And people wonder why i question abuse? To me this is just another reason.
I will not apologize for asking questions I asked.

 

[Ellabella44]

my mother stayed partly because her parents refused to take us in. some women see no way out, decide that they deserve what is said (due to self esteem) making everything he says about things being your fault, into your fault. for some its "if i love him enough, he will change" , ending up believing that the husband is sorry this time and wont ever do it again. in a way im lucky i grew up watching this, it made me decide against marrying someone like that.

 

[RussH]

. Get's me to wonder if women enjoy it, sometimes

In an unqualified answer to this; no. Men who physically abuse their wives also exercise extreme control on them. The husband isolates them from their friends, they don't allow them to have any control of the finances, and remove any realistic way for the wife the leave.

They threaten them; either to kill them or to take the kids away from them, so the wife feels emotionally trapped in the relationship. These "men" so control their wives that the wives don't see a way out

The women also get to the place where they fear what they don't know, life after leaving him, more than the life they do know, with him.\
So no they do not enjoy it. They become physically, financially, psychologically, and emotionally trapped, and believe they cannot leave.

 

[Deleted member 487]

You see, I understand all of that. I do. I discussed this issue with the counselor I have at college and even he shakes his head. I asked him about this, talking specifically about the woman I gave the hard core description of on page one, and I told him, "I don't understand. Beautiful woman, whose looks come second only to her outgoing personality, loved everyone, everyone loved her, if she dumped that sonovabitch she could have the world. Now, in a wheelchair struggling just to live. I don't get it." And no, he didn't get it either.

 

[Queen Boudica]

Thank God there are people and DVD counsellors and psychologists who do get it.

I was in that situation. I get it alright. Although I look back and can't understand now how I endured that abuse. But I did. I was child from an abusive family who knew no different who thought I was worthless who he brainwashed into thinking it was my fault and I was worthless. An abusive relationship is like you have been tortured and brainwashed you are paralysed.

I had no family no one to help. 3 young kids and I would lie there terrified trying to work out how I could get out. Oh yes I found that strength to get out. But I could so easily still be in it. And only because I finally found a psychologist by accident who told me it was abuse after I broke down and told him and I would never have told anyone before because I was so ashamed for my ex and scared he would be in trouble. and I knew it deep down but had been so brainwashed that it was my fault and it was normal and it was not good for the kids to leave him and he was so wonderful and I could not survive on my own. I can't begin to explain how terrified I was. AND NO IT HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH STAYING BECUASE I ENJOYED IT. I stayed 24 years and I look back and think how much pain and stress and the horror I was living but it just seemed like normal and somehow he was this wonderful man. I was a child an abused child who met him when I was 19 and knew no better and yes he seemed like a hero when I met him. And then bit by bit he broke me down even further than I had before.

There are plenty of people who get it. They've been there. And DV counsellors who get it and psychologists who help. The attitude that women must enjoy it because they stay is just archaic and has no place in understanding of Domestic violence.

 

[Queen Boudica]

Oh and most cases of domestic abuse relationships it is a cycle. They are not beating you up all the time. You may not beaten to a pulp. So you think maybe it is not so bad and you really aren't abused because he is not doing it all the time and he is not beating you to a pulp like you see in those Hollywood movies.

But what is worse is the emotional abuse and control which is subtle and pulls you down even more, most women say that is far worse than the physical abuse, the emotional abuse.

And then there are the times when they are so nice, the honeymoon period or promise change, or they just deny there is a problem in the first place and gaslight and manipulate and make it like you are paranoid and this is normal until you don't even know what is real, you are unable to think. So you doubt yourself continuously, you doubt your abilities because they are constantly putting you down, you think you are useless and cannot ever manage without them. They are looking after you. And add to that kids and health problems and they are in control of the money because they are earning and you are looking after kids and you have no family and no friends, they isolated you.

But go on any domestic abuse course and they will explain all of that. I just have. I had to go over my abuse all over again. And I get it why I stayed so long.

 

[J630127]

Hi, I have just read your story and mine is very similar . It's so similar it's scary. I just wanted to know how you are doing and if you've possibly got any advice you can give me ???

 

[LillyH]

I am so sorry to hear about your situation as it feels very similar to my own.
Getting out or considering getting out is the hardest decision ever and...