Lonely

[SwordsPandaGirl]

A huge weight is crushing me or atleast its how it feels. Everyday I drown a little more and its getting harder to surface. For every step I take foward, I fall 5 back. Its exhausting, frustrating and I just cant.

Life is a struggle when you cant trust not even your parents and the only person I trust is myself.

Bring me back to my childhood but this time, I decide what cards are played.....I wish.

I cant keep going like this. Its slowly killing me.

 

[Fadeaway]

:hug: Trusting others is a foreign concept to me, yet I crave it which sucks. As humans ween need to feel like we have a bond with someone else, but when life has told you that the consequences aren't worth the risk of trusting others, what can you do?

 

[Javagoat]

I relate to how you feels SwordsPandaGirl. I struggle with trust all the time. My head used to tell me that I was better off alone partially because I couldn't trust other people's behavior and the rest because I couldn't trust my own. Either way someone would screw it up. My parents obliterated my ability to trust for any length of time early in my life. Gradually, my capacity to trust has gotten a little better after yrs of therapy but I still get scared a lot.

 

[WillyKat]

I've been where you are. I've felt that crushing weight of an inability to trust. I too felt it was as you said everyone.

But it's not everyone. You're here, and I've found I can trust just about everyone on this forum. And slowly, over time, I've learned how to trust selected people outside of the forum. It sure seemed impossible, but I found a way to do it.

Unfortunately, it starts very slowly. You first have to realize that many people in your life are not able to become part of your healing network. Then you need to think about what personal attributes they have that rule them out, like lack of empathy, lack of sympathy, inability to see or comprehend anything outside of their own restricted views, or even lack of intelligence. Over time, you start to look for those personal qualities that you want to be closer too, and then you begin to find them.

Hang in there.

 

[nic1633]

I know it's not exactly the same as having close people in your life, but it's important to acknowledge that you're taking a big step in trusting US! You are supported here! I know that weight your talking about, feeling like you'll drown, and assuming you're going backwards. You're likely making more progress than you know. Keep trudging on!

 

[SwordsPandaGirl]

Sorry for such a late reply. Im struggling. I cant talk yo anyone :( im even finding speaking on the forum a massive challenge. I cant face anything.

 

[Notsowild]

@SwordsPandaGirl...
Don't be sorry I feel the same way. I have a hard time talking on the forum. Why I'm not sure. Partly fear of rejection. I've been going through alot of SI lately. I too am on the roller coaster called PTSD. I thought I was getting better than wham it comes crashing back.

I too have a hard time going out. I fear no one will like me or I'll stumble over my words and look like an idiot. I work in a building with over 200 people and I have no one to talk to. I feel like an alien.

If you like you could pm me. It would be nice for me too to have someone who understands. (((Big hugs)))

 

[WillyKat]

There's something important needs to be understood about the hesitancy (notice I'm not using the word "inability") to speak about the trauma or its effects. Abusers and some bystanders want us to be silent. They rely on our silence to keep themselves safe.

By speaking out, we're threatening to them. And when they are threatened, they often become angry and that gets our fear going so that we remain silent.

However, in the safety of your mental health professional's office and in the safety of this forum, you can speak freely. Those that are threatened by your words don't know that you're speaking out. Speaking helps get your life back. Speaking out is revolution.

You are safe here.

That said, do take steps to disguise your identity here on the forum. Use a pseudonym instead of your real name (I think you can change it w/o having to create a new account, but check to make sure), don't give the real name of the city where you live, and don't post anything too specific. (I'm from Merde Vista, which means Shit View in Spanish, though I believe it should me Vista de Merda or some such.)

 

[Alejandro Berry]

Even I am dealing with loneliness in life as going through my second divorce. Its really difficult to manage life.:(

 

[risingsun]

I'm sorry that you have been struggling Swords. I am sorry about your parents but you trust yourself and that is good. So grab hold of that trust my friend, trust that you can make it through this, that it won't always be a struggle for you, and that you will make the right decisions to get yourself through this. My prayers and thoughts are with you. PM me if you need to. :hug: always my friend.

 

[rainy_daze]

@SwordsPandaGirl how are you?