Undiagnosed Long term sexual/mental abuse. who am i?

[IKnowTeeth$]

I have acknowledged the words trauma and abuse in relation to my experience for years but yesterday was the first time I really thought about ptsd. I thought because I didn't have flashbacks or nightmares then it couldn't be ptsd. I knew what I had gone through was a trauma but when I thought about how it affects me I just thought "broken". I was sexually abused for roughly 6 years, starting when I was 9, by my step father. It went as far as a sexual relationship can go without genital penetration. So technically I'm still a virgin, f*ck. It's almost worse in a way, like this "virginity" I've been holding on to is just another thing to taunt me. I never repressed any memories, the sexual abuse was a fact of life that I had to accept, but it was hard coming to terms with the mental and emotional abuse. My abuser was suicidal and depressed, he constantly unloaded his mental problems on me. I had to apologise for being abused. I was his only comfort and he used me as much in that as he did in bed. It wasn't really hard to be a victim, just do what seems expected. It's so f*cking hard to be a survivor. I am scared all of the time, I don't know what of. I have shut off my emotions so hard that I don't understand when I feel something again. I'm in so much pain. This all happened so young... Who am I without my trauma? Who am I at all?

 

[The Albatross]

Welcome to the forum, and yeah it's hard to find out who we are when we separate out the traumatization. Glad you're here.

 

[Mach123]

Yes, welcome. There is nothing easy about any of this. You took the first step though. I was in a day program. Psych outpatient. We were all sitting at a table like 10 or 15 of us and the therapists. I said "I was sexually abused." (out loud) I don't remember why. The girl next to me leaned over and said "you just did the hardest part, the rest will be easy." Well, I don't know what she meant by easy! The point is though, it has to start somewhere and hopefully, you just did that.

 

[sleepingwolf]

It is very brave of you to share, it's very inspiring. I agree with the other comments, you've made a great step in posting online here. I relate to the questions you have raised, and the emotions you feel. With the right help and care you can start to move through those. Yes, it's not easy, but it is quite an exploration and an adventure too! For me it is very much the 'silver lining', that you need to look so deeply at yourself (most people don't...) that you can find out more about yourself and all the beautiful things that dwell there.

Good luck! Positive energies to you! :hug:

 

[ladee]

Welcome! Glad you found us.
This is a journey that helps to have others that understand what we are experiencing.
Your history does not define you. You are much more than a survivor. And you will discover many wonderful and exciting things about yourself.
Glad you let us know you are here!