Longterm PTSD

[mumblinword]

**** Potentially Triggering Topic******

First off, I want to confess that until recently, I never considered that many of the OC behaviors spanning my lifetime could have been the result of the cumulative result of untreated and unresolved PTSD experiences. I always thought that it was something that happened to people who had experienced war, or were victimized by terrorists, or as survivors of a disaster. I never thought that my own traumatic life experiences qualified me for treatment.

Now that PTSD information is becoming more publicly accessible, it makes sense to look more closely at how I've minimized the effects of the trauma of my life. I had always thought that there was just something 'wrong' or 'bad' about me, and that was why I was struggling. I had factored in the incest and sexual abuse of my early years, and later on, (god forbid) began to understand the impact of my emotionally disabled parents' neglect and physically and psychologically abusive behavior, but it was not until recently that I began to add it all up.

About two years ago I started to study about attachment and the relationship dynamics in the family system, and their impact on growth and development. I looked at my own situation, and considered the circumstances of my own personal history in terms of my development.

My mother was pregnant 12 times in the first 13 years of the marriage. 8 of us survived, 6 boys and 2 girls, and I was the second in line, born after an older brother 2+ years later. My family was of lower economic status, and my stressed out father was always working 2-3 jobs to keeps things afloat. It made for a very stress filled life, and they used what I now consider some very abusive tactics to manage the stress of the situation and control the behavior. Frequent random beatings and verbal abuse, name calling, threats were part of the daily life. I think the thing that did the most damage is, that none of these actions were tempered or neutralized with any contrasting nurture skills. It was an emotionally distant and dissociated state of affairs; a very regimented existence. Most of my siblings excuse that as a normal reaction to the stress of the situation, and thereby dismiss the consequences of my parents actions. I confess I still struggle with the guilt of not being able to excuse the behavior as easily, but part of my own recovery over the years has been such, thankfully, that I've managed to heal from my own anger and resentment at being victim to their poor parenting skills.

Growing up in that situation alone would have caused a person to show trauma related symptoms. As I reviewed the personality quirks I had had throughout my life, I noticed that there several things that stood out as not being 'normal'. Here I list some of the questionable ways my PTSD manifested:

• constant fear of being abandoned (resolved)
• thumb sucking (resolved)
• nail biting (resolved)
• teeth grinding (resolved)
• fist clenching (resolved)
• age 5 in kindergarten: peed my pants
• 2nd grade: pooped my pants
• habitual hair puller (resolved)
• alcohol abuse (resolved)
• drug abuser (resolved)
• cigarette smoker (resolved)
• lifelong fear of people
• obsession with body image
• over eater
• avoidance
• dissociation

The memories I have access to, which I consider as experiences setting me up for PTSD response, include

• the general environment of my family system,
• the emotional and psychological neglect or my early and pre-conscious years,
• an incident I remember from when I was perhaps less than 2 years old, when while sitting in a highchair, i said 'cuckoo in da coco' to my grandmother, and was slapped for being disrespectful
• remembering my aunt, a nurse, administering thermometers rectally ( in what later felt to be a ritualistic fashion)
• a memory of my grandmother entering the bathroom unannounced while I was bathing, lifting her dress exposing herself to me, then sitting down on the toilet to pee
• my father sleeping nude (during the day) and the door to his bedroom being left open ' a crack' (this was incongruous to the puritanical ethic we were raised in, and thus caused inner conflict)
• my older brother's sexual initiation of me at the age of 12 ( he emotionally blackmailed me into yielding, threatening to make up a lie to tell my mother about me if I did not comply) I was a virgin at the time, and had not even become aware of sexual things at the time; I was naive, and a 'late bloomer"
• witnessing his sexual activity with other siblings, the youngest, my 4 year old sister
• the terror of being forced to disrobe in the high school locker room
• finding out about my mother's affair with her supervisor when I discovered romantic cards from him in her dresser drawer
• being raped 4 times while in the Navy, once on ship by one of the other servicemen, and 3 times on shore by civilians. One of the situation involved me being forced at knife point, and then being robbed after.

This is the first time I've written all of this out in one place, but it's not the first time I've talked about these things.

One of the benefits I hope to reap from participating in this forum, is to begin to get a clearer picture of how these things impacted me during my lifespan, and to begin to connect the dots in terms of how they are continuing to restrict me from meeting my fullest potential.

Thanks for reading everyone. Your thoughts and comments are welcome.

Warm regards,

Ron

 

[goingonhope]

This is the first time I've written all of this out in one place, but it's not the first time I've talked about these things.

Good job, Ron!!!

 

[drannepratt]

Writing it all in one place makes the enormity of it so real, I think. It certainly seems enormous from where I sit. I, too, have had the experience of realization unfolding throughout life about the effects of the craziness in my childhood. Still unfolding, I think, and I turn 57 tomorrow!

What an awesome list of things that have resolved! Wow.

Anne

 

[Marlene]

Most of my siblings excuse that as a normal reaction to the stress of the situation, and thereby dismiss the consequences of my parents actions. I confess I still struggle with the guilt of not being able to excuse the behavior as easily

My brother took the same route in life that my parents took. One of the big reasons why he's out of my life now. My sister (half-sister who lived with her father and step-mother) came to live with us and out of a worse abusive situation and I honestly think she just decided not to rock the boat since her situation had improved. I, on the other hand, just can't and won't excuse their behavior. Having grown up in an abusive house with parents who were abused themselves as children (father-confirmed by his sister, mother-her actions/attitudes make me believe it strongly) I can see, now that my children are adults, that it's not mandatory to keep the cycle going. It's an excuse not to change what's been the norm.

Reading your words about feeling 'wrong' or 'bad' about myself for the majority of my life really clicked with me. It seems to be the newest level of healing for me to go back and understand why I've done thing, felt things, feared things, etc. in my life. To understand what made me me. Part of it has been looking beyond the abuse at the people who did it and what drove them to behave this way. I try to be as dispassionate as possible about this. With mixed results. I'm having this drive to understand the why's of what happened to me. It won't change anything...but maybe I can find a little more peace of mind from this.

Lisa