Glad you were brave enough to seek help, and reveal the difficulties you've been having. I have great admiration for any Veteran, especially those who have risked their lives so selflessly, for the highest of ideals-placing the welfare of others above one's own. Many give lip service of such daily, or casual gestures...very few actually prove it, as you've done. That's not said nearly enough, and I've never been able to understand why...it's as though the average citizen thinks of military service, even combat duty,as "just another job"...and as the individual's duty. Well it's not, and however uncomfortable it may be to think about, that's no excuse for not doing so far more often.
I actually think the "average person's" attitude even bleeds into that of those who've served. I mean, I understand that those who've done so are exactly the types not to call attention to themselves as heroic, after all...but I guess it's difficult not to take on the consensus opinion of others, under any circumstances, if only unconsciously, as that seems to be just how us humans are built...we don't want to be apart from the norm, after all. But I think when it comes to this subject, that can be one of the greatest dangers. In other words, the problem becomes...that the problem becomes all the worse...because you think you have no right to HAVE the problem in the first place. That you should be just automatically be right as rain, if you were at all sound, in general. And so...there's the stigma attached...that any man feels, when he has to admit he has a problem of some kind...that that means he doesn't "measure up" somehow, etc. And then THAT becomes ANOTHER reason to drink, drug, avoid friends and family...and act self-destructively, too, doesn't it? And before you know it, you're in a downward spiral...getting even worse, for all of that...but now having to do it all even MORE...because you ARE worse...and you don't want to think about THAT. Do you know what I mean? Hope I'm making sense. So first and foremost, I'm glad you've decided to do something about it sooner, rather than later. It's ironic...but that actually is the thing that takes strength and courage...to face it...be open about it, and face it head on.....not the covering it up.
I've never been in the military, but my father was a foreign intelligence operative during my youth, and things...well, got pretty sticky, for a great deal of the time, you could say. And I have been in more than a few situations where the likeliest outcome was a violent death...and not one that would have been categorized as "accidental", you might say. So at least there's that. It's not as though I have no idea whatsoever what you're going through, and some of what you've been through, at least. Which is just to say that I can identify.
I'm not sure what kind of advice you're looking for specifically now...if it's just how to approach your family, or more than that...but I've been on this path--"doing the work of trauma recovery" for some time now...so if there's anything at all I can be of any help with whatsoever...I hope you won't hesitate to ask. Feel free to PM me.
I also had a long period of "self-medicating" with drugs and alcohol, as well. Actually, it was a matter of indirect suicide attempts...as I couldn't see myself leaving my mother and father to deal with my actual suicide. But that's a long story. Suffice it to say that I was told more than a few times, by other drinkers and users...."You're not trying to feel good, are you? I know when someone's trying to use. You're trying to kill yourself." Long story short, between that and doing things I had every reason to expect would result in my death....such as roaming the streets in the poorer parts of town, in large metropolitan areas, walking up to gangs, and attempting to pick a fight, challenging them to pull their weapons, if they had them...you could say the fact that I'm still here is more than a little surprising.
And the fact of the matter is that the majority of those who become addicted, have a history of trauma, of one kind or another. It's probably the most common feature of addiction...a history of trauma. And there's nothing that can ruin a life quicker, that I can think of. They've even determined recently that the reason that the 12 step programs are successful, is that all of its components specifically address aspects of the underlying trauma, to produce recovery...even down to the brain-changes involved. For example...they've found that traumatic memories are stored as images in the right brain, where they become flashbacks and other "reexperiencing", because they get stuck there, and don't get "processed" over to the left side of the brain...which is the way it usually works, and is supposed to...so that they can then be included in our "intellectual understanding", instead...and so, lose the "charge" associated with them. And the main way the brain does that is during sleep, by dreaming of them...without going into all of the details...we wake ourselves up, when they're traumatic, for one...so they never get the chance to be processed that way...but also...when they're bad enough...cortisol levels go up to the point that REM sleep is suppressed, in general...interrupting the process. But they've found that writing about them accomplishes this transfer...from the right brain to the left....this processing. And part of the 12 steps is doing this, in a way...what they call the 4th step.
But anyway. I'm just saying all of that as a means of showing you how hand in hand trauma is with addiction, by giving you one of countless possible examples. I'm not suggesting you need help with addiction recovery...or that you should use a 12 step program, if you do...just trying to impress upon you the likely road you'll be doomed to tread if you don't get off it, sooner rather than later, while you can. So glad you've already arrived at that conclusion, yourself.
As far as how to come clean to your family...about your feelings, your drink and drug problems...it's hard to say, not knowing you or your family, or your relationship with and history with them. Just speaking generally...if it were me...I'd try to let them know that I hadn't had the problem before the combat, etc....so I know it's not just something else...you know, weak moral values, etc etc...and just tell them what symptoms you'd been having beforehand...and that you've learned that these are common symptoms in PTSD. So you realize you need to do something about it, directly, before it gets worse in any other way, either the symptoms get worse, your substance use, or your life in general...in the interest of your future, and everything else. You know. Just keep it simple and straightforward. I think you should try to keep in mind that, even if your family hasn't said anything directly to you about it...they're likely to be very understanding about such symptoms being a result of combat/military service. If they're like most families of vets I've known..they just didn't want to be the ones to bring it up A) Because they didn't want to remind you of something you'd rather not think about anymore, and B) Because they didn't want to sound like they were suggesting you can't handle it...which is naturally the way that the average person thinks of it, before they've learned anything about PTSD...even though that really has little if anything to do with it, really, as you'll learn the more you read about it. I'd also keep it short and sweet, but just honestly answer whatever questions they might have about it, of course. It's also better to choose a time and place without distractions, but you'd probably know that, already.
I would also like to add, that it's not at all unusual to find that you seemed to be o.k. at first...but then to suddenly find things going south on you...and having no idea what's going on. That's due to what's called "numbing", another symptom....which basically just means...that your system just shuts itself down, when it has to, for safeties sake...to get through whatever the danger is, in one piece, without having to deal with all of the feelings, etc., that go along with it..which would obviously make it that much harder to survive it, right? They say it's an evolutionary thing...that this is just part of the protective mechanisms that animals have developed to keep them alive. A good book about it is Levine's "Waking the Tiger"....which also does a good job of putting it in perspective, and showing it for the physical/physiological issue that it really is...rather than the "psychological issue" that most still think of it as being. Maybe even tell your parents that you've been looking into it online, and found this site...so they can have a look, themselves, to get some idea. I've known more than a few people recovering from PTSD, at this point...and one of the greatest challenges and sticking points to making any progress, is to have a family that doesn't understand at all. Sometimes it's enough to make progress well nigh impossible. Just something to keep in mind. The more they know, the better. It might also be a good idea to set some plans in motion before you decide to tell them...just so they can feel sure that this is a concrete step, seeing that you've already taken some material actions in keeping with what you're telling them. Like make an appointment to see someone, if only for a referral to a trauma specialist. There may be resources available through the military, though I'm in the U.S., and am unfamiliar with the practices and protocols there. There are more and more available here...so even if you haven't heard of them specifically, yourself, you might still call someone in military health/medicine/veterans services, to inquire about it. You might be surprised.
And there are more and more treatments available, and more and more successful ones...for example, several medications formerly used only for blood pressure have been demonstrated as being excellent for controlling PTSD related nightmares...Prazosin, I believe, more effectively than any other. Also...one of the most well-known consequences of exposure to trauma is low serotonin levels, due to what's called "decreased Hippocampal volume"...reduction in the volume of one of the portions of the brain responsible for manufacturing Serotonin....as well as several medications previously used as anticonvulsants, that control well the obsessiveness and anxiety associated with the symptoms, which you've described...and which I know well, myself. Personally, I take Zoloft (Sertraline), as well as Lamictal, Clonidine, and Prazosin. Its made a great deal of difference. All the difference in the world, really. Should have seen me before. Bad news. One more thing to keep in mind...it may get worse before it gets better. And if so, that's as it should be, and just part of the process...no cause for alarm...it's just your body beginning to process all of what you've stored up, when the numbing starts to wear off, and it begins to wake up. If that happens to be the case...and it's not, for everyone...try to remember that however NOT o.k. it feels...all you have to do is hold on and ride it out...and it does eventually get better. Even if it feels like it never will. Believe me, it sure felt that way to me. And more than a few would have told you they honestly didn't think I was going to make it. But I have. And it's getting better.
So if there's ever anything I can do, again, don't hesitate to PM me. And thanks again for your service. Cheers
