Looking for every reason I'm not worthy

[Innordinate]

So I have a girlfriend. Shes very significant.

So I'm looking for every reason she shouldn't be with me.

Im an alcoholic - uh, officially now just alcohol dependant.
I'm selfish.
Im f*cking beyond broken.
I dysregulate to anger and take it out most on ppl closest to me- so her.

Weak, pathetic, undeserving.


She doesnt seem to care. or she cares but seems to think I'm more than this................

Real issue: is she right? am i more than this? am i worthy but my own crap gets in my way to see that.
or am i really not worthy.

any experience with this?

I don't want our relationship to be all about fixing me.
She has ptsd too and is struggling the same as me but she convinces me that I'm more important.
is that her deflection? or my fault.

I'm lost at this.

I just want this to work. I want to be a good boyfriend. I want to be here for her.

*sighs*

advice.. .appreciated.

TYIA.

 

[Chris-duck]

So I'm looking for every reason she shouldn't be with me.

So, I don't think you are able to decide if she should be with you or not. All you can decide is if you want to be with her, and trust her to decide if she wants to be with you or not. She presumably wants to be with you or you wouldn't be together.

Real issue: is she right? am i more than this? am i worthy but my own crap gets in my way to see that.
or am i really not worthy.

You're worthy. You have a personality and good traits outside of your diagnoses. So I'll go with your own crap gets in the way.

She has ptsd too and is struggling the same as me but she convinces me that I'm more important.

Um. I dunno, but I think I'd go with you're both equally important. I'm sure she can decide what she can handle and what she can't. Supporting you doesn't mean you're *more* important, it's that at that moment in time you need the support more than she does.

Yeah, I think in most healthy relationships that shit balances out and each person can only decide if it's worth it to them, they can't objectively look at whether it's worth it for the other person. So yah, you're meant to trust or some shit ? Don't ask me how ?

?

 

[Ronin]

Ditto :D

Maybe a part of why she is veery significant is she wants to be with you too, and that you are looking for reasons you should be out is one more you should stay right where you are...

Because you are healing alongside.

But I relate. I nigh left a few times in the last few yrs just because crap, things were going right, and the wrong ones went smoothened without drama or emotional games.

 

[Justmehere]

So I'm looking for every reason she shouldn't be with me.

What do you "gain" by this? Maybe it's distance? Maybe it keeps you from risking being close? I don't know. Just ideas. Maybe there is another way to hold on to being worthy and staying in it with her than by continuing to beat yourself up.

 

[Mach123]

Yes I ways did this in relationships with some women but only when they had the upper hand. Only when I like her more than she likes me. If she likes me more I start showing her why she shouldn't, why I'm all those things you said. (If I want her to like me is a better way to describe that feeling) I'm afraid I'm doing it with my wife but it's less pressing we are married and you can't just break up. There were other girls and it was reversed. I liked them, But I could live without them so I didn't care.

I wouldn't know how to try and change it anymore than I'm trying to change what I'm doing now which means influence my partner on whatever level, and not project all this onto her.

I remember this distinctly because it came up this week? I felt that old feeling about abandonment which I always hated feeling like that. Like I can't be alone. There's a lot more but I sympathize and I hope you feel better.

 

[Friday]

I have to work reeeeeeally hard to allow other people to make their own decisions. The more I care about them, the more responsibility I feel for them, the harder it is. Also the more WORTH it, it is.

***

Ever seen Finding Nemo? If so/if not... there’s a scene where the sea turtles are swimming in this wicked fast current and one of the baby turtles falls out of the current. (The clownfish) Nemo’s Dad freaks out and tries to swim after him, but Squirts Dad (the sea turtle) stops him and says “Let’s see what little Squirt does, flying solo.” Ha! Found the clip of it.

That’s the problem with making other people’s decisions for them. You. Never. Get. To. See. what they’ll do, flying solo.

Yeah, it removes the risk that they won’t choose the way you want them to, which can be crushing if it shows you a side of them you didn’t want to know; or puts them in danger you may feel responsible for... but you ALSO never get that moment of you so totally rock!!! When they’re simply stunning, and rise to the challenge.

There’s a trust component, there’s a helpless component, there’s a fear of the unknown component, there’s a risk component, & there’s an avoidance/connection component (in never learning what they themselves would do, left to their own devices; never risking deeper connection nor disappointment, but get to sit smugly sad, secure in the valor of doing what’s “right/best”. Pain tempered. If it’s my fault for walking away, and not their fault for forcing that decision on me by breaking my heart or losing my respect). So when I say it’s hard? Yep. I mean it’s really, really f*cking hard sometimes. The more I care about someone the less I want to risk them to all those swirling unknowns. I’d rather decide, for them, whats happening next. So I don’t.

Slight correction... with kids I make decisions left, right, and center. As I firmly take the Maria Montessori view of “To give a child liberty, is not to abandon them to themselves.” And since I’m referencing a kids movie it possibly bears explaining. Children, I give them their liberty. Which includes a helluva lot of decision making on my part.

Adults I -work very hard to- give them their agency; the right to make their own decisions, and follow the dictates of their own conscience. Which means it doesn’t matter if I can think of 50,000 reasons why they shouldn’t be with me. Because it’s not my decision to make. It’s theirs. It’s my decision if I want to be with them. It’s fair if I don’t want to, but I also don’t get to pansy out of that, by blameshifting that it’s not what I want, but what’s best for them.

 

[Freida]

She doesn't see you like YOU see you
She sees you like WE see you.

You don't get to decide if it's good or bad
You just get to accept that others see more good in you than you can understand at this point in your life.
Or not.

Give her a chance - she can hold up the mirror and you might be surprised how well you are doing and how far you have come

 

[The Albatross]

She has ptsd too and is struggling the same as me but she convinces me that I'm more important.
is that her deflection? or my fault

I think I'd come back to the quoted bit. Maybe it's the question about deflection rather than fault and that her struggles are the same as yours but "she convinces me that I'm more important." Sounds kinda like a yellow flag and may be worth some scrutiny and work.

"I'm more important" than a significant other/partner with PTSD who has some/most/all of the same issues... is a hell of a thing to inject into a partnership. That's a lot of disparity at best and a detriment to your girlfriend to be worked out at a later date or become a point of contention later on.

Just some thoughts.

P.S. Did you mean to say "just alcohol dependency"? I think I may have misunderstood.

 

[Innordinate]

Thanks all, for the replies. I have a lot of thoughts, just can't make sense of them right now.

Lots to think about.

 

[Innordinate]

So I'm starting to think that my g/f does not convince me I'm more important- like I said before but I'm such a self-absorbed asshole that I don't even notice when she's struggling or having a hard time.

There's a really good chance she straight up tells me she is too.... and then goes about selflessly putting her shit to one side to help me deal with mine instead.

:mad:
Another reason I'm no worthy.
She so doesn't deserve my shit and I really don't deserve someone who cares that much about me.

:unsure:
clearly more work to be done - because you all are right. She's a grown up. It's her decision.

And my decision to not treat her like crap and actually hear her instead of being a self-absorbed asshole. yeh......... :facepalm:

 

[Friday]

And my decision to not treat her like crap and actually hear her instead of being a self-absorbed asshole. yeh......... :facepalm:

Try reversing it.

Instead of “Dont be a dick.” ...which has bazillions of other options swirling about & 1 clear one... try “I will do XYZ.” That way instead of catching yourself being a dick, you can catch yourself in “I could do XYZ right now!”

If XYZ is new? Whether it’s use a certain tone of voice, or smile when you see her, or listen without interrupting, or touch her as you’re walking by, or whatever.... expect it to be rough around the edges. But by knowing what you’re going FOR (oops, interrupted, try again! Oops not making eye contact, try again! Oops forgot to smile, flash a grin now), it gives you the task at hand. Rather than a list of a bazillion things, and quick! Pick one! Wait! Don’t pick one! Wait WTF am I, Dammit. I was just an asshole, again. Wasn’t I? :banghead:

It’s an old ADHD trick. Most people learn by negative reinforcement, ADHD brains tend to learn best via positive reinforcement. IE Most people do very well with “Don’t turn homework in late.” ADHD people tend to do very well with college/university syllabi that have the actual dates to turn it in on. Instead of “dont, general” it’s “do, specifically”. <<< I’ve found it’s one of the things that tends to work on trauma-brains, too. Do this, rather than don’t do that.

 

[The Albatross]

Starting to think… with alcohol dependency and associated issues... doesn't get you out of the box.
You can't think your way out of quicksand, for instance.

Sit down and have a meaningful dialogue. Do it sober, both of you (if that applies to girlfriend). Action is what is called for. One person thinking for someone else in lieu of effective communication in a partnership is a non-starter. K?