Sexual Assault Looking for help, afraid i won't talk to doctor - chronic medical problem from sexual assault

[littleoc]

Thank you all for your words of wisdom. I'm honestly surprised to have gotten compassionate replies. You are all wonderful people

I'm noticing that I really want to deny that the kidnapping is affecting this in any way, physically or mentally. I hope it's not affecting me too much physically, but I suppose it's possible that some symptoms are overlapping. Such as piles?

I managed to get to a point where I made my very first dentist appointment in my life a couple of years ago. I can do this, too

I don't like pain.

I've been to the doctor before over this pain but couldn't bring myself to say exactly what hurt so much. The ultrasound was transvaginal and so painful I couldn't breathe right, but they were looking at my dead ovary. It got badly injured during life and I told my doctor that IT was hurting. It has a history. Once caused me an eight-month-straight period that left me anemic by the time I got help for it. Then it dropped out and I had no period for even longer. So, my doctor believed me and I kind of believed me when I said that it was my ovary hurting.

I have to tell mu doctor what's really happening and I can't keep denying it




Thoughts:

I have barely even talked about this stuff on here so - wow! You are strong for being able to say all of that!

Thank you :) only took seven years, but I suppose that's not really that long considering my age?

Oh man this is a post I needed to read.

<3 :hug:
I hope it helps you also

It's perfectly okay, that you're feeling this way about all of this. Perfectly okay. You are not weak for having difficulty with this. Having difficulty with this is -perfectly normal- especially if you've had horrible trauma happen to that body part.

Thank you. This is calming

Short term relief? Laxatives. So that you can eat without the terror of the pain.

I, uh, am currently having the opposite problem. I think that's not TMI considering the rest? But still very painful. Am eating many bananas and plain foods since last month. Also wrong color. I'm hoping it's something obvious to see in an x-ray like a gallbladder stone so I can ignore the rest. But for normal things after this heals/is treated -- I will remember that.

I think they make teas that are gentle laxatives. Would be pretty relaxing, I think?

It’s okay. It’s scary, but it’s actually really common. It’s the level of distress which sets us trauma survivors apart. Stuff like this? Is so much more difficult for us to handle.

This helps as well, thank you. Calming to know this

You’re at a point in your recovery where you’re ready. You’ve proved that by posting. 9 times out of 10 these types of appointments are so much more distressing in our minds than how they actually play out. Because doctors know that no one wants to have this conversation.

You’ve already survived far worse.

That's true. This doesn't have to be about my past maybe. Or if it is I can at least move on easier

The fact that you significantly changed your diet to lessen the pain, is a red flag that it's time to not ignore the pain (easier said than done).

Good point. There is an issue. The constant pain is affecting my social life and outings as well. Sitting watching Netflix with a good friend was hard because I didn't want to move or laugh too much because it hurt

And you are strong. Having difficulty bringing all this up doesn't make you weak.

Thank you

Maybe a week. Anything longer is serious injury or infection.

My ex doubted my past a bit because ahe claimed i should have bled to death. But, it wasn't glass. So maybe it's mostly healed, besides scars like @Still Standing has said?

1+2= Common problem, seen to by doctors who get it.

This is calming to know. Very calming.

do you know if your doctor is familiar with sensitively treating SA and/or ptsd patients? And if your doctor is not, can they refer you to a doctor who is?

I have no idea -- but when I got the official recommendation for a service dog, I was careful to bring all the flow charts and stuff to help us discuss if it was right for me. So she does know. And we've talked about my hospitalizations a bit -- including a psychosis diagnosis from when I was 14, reporting my father and kidnapper at the risk of harm or being put into foster care. So, even if she's not trained in it somehow, she knows enough to help and want to help, at least

Oh @littleoc you never cease to amaze me with your courage.

Thank you -- courage always feels like weakness, until someone disagrees with that :P

Don't let your fear and denial prevent you from getting the care you need.

I can do that. I want to be comfortable. Lots of suggestions for printing and writing it down, so I think I will. That way I won't leave having said nothing.

 

[littleoc]

Thank you all so much

 

[Sweetleaf]

I would ask my psych doc if he would be willing to contact the doc, giving him permission to explain my PTSD and fear of being examined, in support of me.

This! Thisthisthis

This isn't the same situation, both in that I mentioned the issue to my primary doc, and that it's a different body part. It was just like 3 words that I forced out - she was able to figure the rest out from there, and asked the right questions to get the rest of the info out that she needed, which wasn't really much. I think the fact we actually were in my pdoc's office (the clinic on the floor below was still being set up lol) and the fact I was set up with this doc through my pdoc (because my pdoc owns the business), really helped me be a bit more open with her. I really like how super-duper centralized my care is right now. Doc, pdoc, trauma yoga, and now therapist - all in the same building and working for the same small practice.

Anyway though. She talked to my pdoc, who then contacted some people she knows who run a clinic, which would be a much safer setting, and she would call them up before the appointment and tell them that I have a trauma history that makes the procedure extremely difficult and triggering. She also gave me xanax for the night before and for the appointment itself.

You could totally do some chain like that. Contact your pdoc, have them see what they can do for you in regards to this, and go from there.

If you have to, you could try referring to it all in a really roundabout way, and see if they will connect the dots. That might work with just going to the regular doctor, too, maybe. But, I think it'd be really wise to see if you can get a more trauma-sensitive setting set up for it, rather than just a regular ole doctor.

 

[Sideways]

Ok, so just to give you the heads up: change in colour? You may be asked to provide a stool sample. Gross, but actually loads of people have to do that for all manner of issues. As much as you can? Focus on dealing with this as a medical issue. That’s what it is.

Your trauma history makes it harder to deal with, but there are tonnes of things that go wrong with our gut and its ejection system. And like many parts of our body? Many of those issues are infinitely treatable. Things like IBS or Crones? Not trauma related, but have people from all walks of life having to go to the doc and get their system checked out.

You got this:)

 

[Swift]

Sorry for swearing, but f*ckity f*ck mcf*ckface.
I have similar problems too.
Maybe a specialist would be better at helping? There are doctors who specialize in that part of the body.
I get the whole... shame. It just seems much grosser and harder to talk about than any other kind of abuse for me, even though my intellectual side says it shouldn't.
It's no fault of your own, gorgeous. It's no harder for doctors who deal with anatomy with a neutrality I envy.
If they need to do sedation or something to examine the area, it's okay.
Can you maybe take, say, a rape crisis volunteer with you?
Whatever it is, whether it's related to the abuse or not, please please please please get some treatment. You don't have to suffer this.
Write it all down. Do whatever you need to do to make yourself safe. Get someone to make the call for you if you can't do it yourself. Send an email from a different address asking about their protocols for abuse survivors (your own if you want, but I have a separate one I use because I find I won't send it from my own.)
The other thing is, you're not alone. We're here every step of the way.
A lot of us have been through it too, even if we can't talk about it just yet.
Could you tell your psych doc and see what they say you should do?
They could probably write a referral, too, which would carry extra "be careful with this person" vibes.
I am so, so sorry this happened to you, and I'm even sorrier for the long term consequences.

 

[Sweetleaf]

Thank you all for your words of wisdom. I'm honestly surprised to have gotten compassionate replies

I feel the same way about so many posts, and I am so pleasantly surprised when it happens - even though that's like every time lol.

I managed to get to a point where I made my very first dentist appointment in my life a couple of years ago. I can do this, too

You can do this!!! It was so difficult making the appointment with the clinic for my thing, but I did it. Haven't gone to it yet, and I'm going to have to call them and reschedule because of the f*cked up shit that happened regarding my old T being contacted by my abuser and reading it to me... and I have to do that tomorrow, cause the appt. is next week. But, I can do this, and you can do your thing too!

The ultrasound was transvaginal and so painful I couldn't breathe right, but they were looking at my dead ovary.

:hug:

Sorry for swearing, but f*ckity f*ck mcf*ckface.

+10 more likes from me, hahaha. f*ck yeah. Swear it up. f*ckity f*ck f*ck motherf*cker.

 

[littleoc]

You may be asked to provide a stool sample. Gross, but actually loads of people have to do that for all manner of issues. As much as you can? Focus on dealing with this as a medical issue. That’s what it is.

Thank you for the heads up. I hope it won't be needed, but if so I'll remember it as a medical thing. It's good to be able to mentally prepare for that

:)

f*ckity f*ck mcf*ckface.

Yes

I feel the same way about so many posts, and I am so pleasantly surprised when it happens - even though that's like every time lol.

I understand this way too well. I was so scared to post here, but no one has ever been mean -- and the only person who was was promptly banned :p

@Swift I didn't know about the volunteer from a rape crisis place. I've been thinking about contacting them for help with police corruption and "unusual" citizenship of the kidnapper. He was even able to stand in my yard and look at me. Police couldn't do anything. Apparently. Despite me going through the police report process, as a confused child...

But anyway, I'm not sure I'll be able to see my therapist in time. I did manage to call my doctor the other day -- she works in a large hospital but we've had a doctor-client relationship since I was a child. That was excellent and I was able to briefly describe a couple of symptoms -- but the main nurse under my doctor quickly scheduled an emergency non-ER appointment for tomorrow. I am halfway across the state so I called back to cancel it, and she immediately made one for literally first thing on Monday morning.

Last week I was supposed to do EMDR, but because of serious symptoms of pain and dizziness I was trying to hide, my therapist cancelled it and suggested I get urgent care at the urgent care clinic, or go to the ER.

I'm guessing this might actually be contributing to my panic about this? My friends have joked in the past that I never get sick unless it's about to get urgent. If I get the flu, I also get strep in the same day -- the strep I've gotten has gotten into my lungs, giving me painful pneumonia. It's almost a joke at this point.

But seeing y'all not react with absolute panic or something -- just facts and support -- is actually really helpful.

Thanks again :)

 

[mumstheword]

:hug::hug::hug: (((((Hugs)))))) dear sweet lovely littleoc .

 

[Sweetleaf]

You know, I really appreciate that you posted this thread, because you kind of broke the ice on an issue that I haven't really been too keen on like, -ever- talking about, aside from the small mentions of that kind of sexual assault happening to me. I -think- mainly just in my trauma diary but I could be wrong. Your post made me feel like it was okay to talk about it, and about more in depth (and difficult) aspects of it, because I wasn't going to be alone in sticking my neck out there. Now there is a whole thread of other posts that help me feel better about things. :)

I also don't feel so... I don't even know what adjective to use... I can't find the words. There are some words I can think of but I don't want to use them, even though they apply to how I've felt. One thing would be, I don't feel so f*cking weird I guess - I don't feel so abnormal, for experiencing this stuff and having these sorts of physical consequences as a result of it. My load has been lightened a bit, on this topic, I guess, just by seeing it be discussed.

Lately it has been hurting, for me too. This week it's not as bad as last week - last week I was about ready to start drinking juice for all my nutrition. I have basically been dealing with it - I never talk about it, I never seek help for it, I just try to deal with it, try not to make it worse, and try to do what I can to help it heal. But it feels really good to finally talk about it more - to feel like it's safe to talk about it more.

I've had a while to get used to the notion that it won't be like it used to be, it won't go all the way back to how it used to be, though at least it has times where it doesn't really hurt. It doesn't feel like it used to, if that makes sense? I haven't looked at it since the abuse, but, it definitely feels different. This is the kind of stuff that makes me feel ruined :(

Ugh this has made me think of some things that are related to the general subject, that make me have anxiety chest pain to think about.

I'm so sorry you all had to go through all of that stuff.

One thing I do want to talk about - anyone else triggered hard every single time they see blood when they wipe? It's not like what I would see after sexual assault there, seeing as that was both a mix of fluids and ugh oh god i have to stop there shaking too much to continue - but it's enough to remind me of it, just to see blood from there. Aside from how much more gentle it is, that's the sort of stuff that makes me use water a lot of the time instead of paper. Ugh this feels so embarrassing to talk about :(

Having a hard time posting this.

 

[Swift]

Yeah @Sweetleaf you expressed my thoughts way better than I could have myself.
f*ck embarrassment. The f*ckers who did this to us should be the ones who are embarrassed.
Sometimes mine gets so f*cked I wear a pad for it. It helps.
Sorry if I can't say much more.

 

[Sweetleaf]

Thank you @Swift you made me feel a lot better about having posted that. :hug:
Yes, they should be the ones who feel embarrassed. You've helped me feel less embarrassed, just by making me feel less alone in this.
It is hard to talk about this stuff, don't feel bad if you can't say any more about it, there's nothing wrong with that :)

 

[Freida]

wow. You all!!! amaze me -- because not only are you able to talk about this stuff but you are willing to step out of your comfort zones to help each other. Something I'm not quite ready to do - but it is helpful to read these posts.

@littleoc I like that you and your doc have a history. One thing I've learned along the way is that doctors, like Ts, are rarely surprised by anything. You have to work really hard to come up with something they haven't seen before. So if your doc knows you were abused as a kid then she will be able to make the jump to injuries then causing problems now. I agree with the idea of taking your posts to her and just letting her read them. And I also think an advocate would be really helpful -- your T should be able to put you in touch with one.

But it could also be an infection based on where you live. I sometimes think it's hard for you to understand how bad that environment is for your health - because it's your normal. But the bacterial level alone could be causing you all sorts of internal issues. So while the testing process may be the same, the reasons for the problem could be completely different.

I was only able to tell my doc that I had issues after I got diagnosed with ptsd and I still hate talking to her about it. But her response was that if she had known before she could have changed how she did things so I would have been more comfortable - instead of just trying to suck it up and deal. And since then? Totally different approach. Because she takes my history into account.

I've learned a lot from a friend who survived a kidnapping when she was a kid that left her with horrific scars. She has to explain them to her doctor, her boyfriends, basically anyone who sees her naked. It took her a long time to get ok with the scars just being a part of her medical past. But she is the first to say they don't define who she is today. They are just part of an event that happened to her a long time ago. I think that is where you will get to eventually. Tests will always be icky - trauma or not. But for you? They may be related to something that happened in your past, or they may not. And that's ok. Because either way it doesn't define who you are.