Sexual Assault Looking for help, afraid i won't talk to doctor - chronic medical problem from sexual assault

[littleoc]

She has to explain them to her doctor, her boyfriends, basically anyone who sees her naked.

I've gotten okay with the rows of scars on my thighs because they're mixed with stretch marks, which my doctor has already told me (when I was 15) was a normal part of growing into an adult. That helped.

Ones elsewhere still bother me a bit. I get the urge to tell my random friends about it (I don't) because I just want to be told it's fine that I'm missing something. Nipples grow back, apparently, by the way. Doctor called them inverted, so I guess they're still there. Scarred at best. She says if I can get pregnant (small likelihood, but it isn't impossible -- even my not-previously-traumatized sister has had a miscarriage due to hormonal problems, so at least I know half of what to do to prevent it) I should still be able to breast feed -- its part of why I'm doing physical therapy instead of surgery (also because physical therapy is way easier than surgery). Tiny frame and big bosom are bad combination in someone already having pain.




But uh, anyway... yes, I will call my therapist and ask about that sort of thing. I'm just scared because my mom doesn't really know. And she's the one who has to take me to the hospital. She respects my privacy and even reminds me of that -- but once on one of her depressed days she got offended that "everyone knew I was raped but her" and even though that was more than five years ago I think, i still shut down about this topic now. I'm afraid I'm hurting other people? And hurting them by trying to be private? She's said I keep too many secrets since I was a child.

I'm still very uncomfortable with the fact that she was trying to help me when I was having sexual problems as a teenager (very long story, I was having serious problems with my ex) -- and for the record this was not abuse, she was trying to keep me from keeping secrets and a gynecologist was trying to help. It's a long story. I was a child and my mom was my only guardian. She wasn't asking me any direct questions or anything. I just couldn't legally get help unless my parent approved. It would have been one of those funny mild traumas a teenager had in literally any other context. Definitely still bothers me though.




@Sweetleaf im so glad this helped you, too. This topic is one of the ones I just can't bring myself to discuss to my therapist or anyone else.. the way my mind works, I keep wanting to know detailed information about everything, even if it's possible I look totally normal there -- I'm so afraid of my doctor saying I lied.

Sort of happened once, but I'm the one who thought I was being called a liar -- it wasn't really true. My gynecologist was checking everything while I was still 14 (after reporting the thing -- which was it's own disaster. I couldn't tell the truth, sort of, too difficult to explain when the police were handing me playdough and asking me to describe what the assault was like. And I couldn't well so I just talked about one instance and was scared it would fall apart if it ever went to court... which is did not, very long story short). My gynecologist was I had been raped and it was messing with my life. She looked, saw bruising, but said my vagina looked fine and even surprisingly intact, despite the burns. Chemical burns. By that time, definitely self inflicted.

I guess she didn't notice anything else in that area? I don't really know. I'm afraid to ask and I don't want to be told it's not healed also because that means bad things, too.

But, uh, the dog he assaulted looked okay there? But it wasn't usually there he did anything because she would say no. Probably hurt. I'm so sorry, I know that's disturbing.

I don't know if it complicated anything that i was a child and that it happened more than twelve years ago I think. I don't know if it's healed or not and I'm so scared of a doctor telling me I'm a liar.



@Swift I used to wear pads often, ignored the pain there.


But yeah, @Sweetleaf , I do get that blood-freaks-me-out thing. It's so wrong


Hugs back at you, @mumstheword :hug:


Thank you

 

[Sweetleaf]

I'm afraid to ask and I don't want to be told it's not healed also because that means bad things, too.

If you're having the pain you're describing, I am sure your doc will notice some sort of problem - but that is a good thing because then you can get treatment and your doc can help you get better, and stay better more easily.

When doctors are checking out your genitals they aren't really gonna go "hmm let's give your poop chute a nice looksey while we're down here" so, unless you're complaining about something wrong with it, they probably aren't gonna be checking at all. So, I wouldn't be surprised that they've never noticed anything wrong with it, if you've never told them about anything being wrong with it. The outward appearance looking "fine" or whatever, also doesn't necessarily mean it's not got an issue going on inside.

 

[Mee]

I want to say something else . That drs aren’t going to think worse of you or jump to conclusions about you if and when you tell them of your discomfort there.

People have consensual activities of various kinds, digestion issues and failure to ‘issue’ correctly, problems in pregnancy, from weight, from poor diet ....all kinds of things.

I will also tell you I had a colonoscopy and it was nothing like noncon activity to me. I made jokes through it and it wasnot painful. ( this was before PTSD) but having had it before ptsd I know I could do it again, and can say it’s ok.

 

[littleoc]

I get the whole... shame. It just seems much grosser and harder to talk about than any other kind of abuse for me, even though my intellectual side says it shouldn't.

It seems especially violating. Especially gross. Awful, that I can't shake that... but at least I'm not alone.

At the same time I almost wish I was because I'm so sad that others went through this

@Sweetleaf , lol, that helps a bit :p

@Mee Thank you. That is calming too

 

[Freida]

and hun -- your health is important. You are already working so hard to get better emotionally, but you need to be well physically too. This isn't something to be ashamed of. This is just something you need to have checked so you can get whatever treatment to make it better. Then you won't have to stress about it any more....

 

[Fadeaway]

I have been debating about posting this, you are braver than I but you gave me the courage to. I left an injury like that untreated since 2001 until it became a real issue a few years ago.

Despite the cramping and bright red blood, I tried to ignore it. But then there white blobs of mucus. Turned out that was due to infection. Tmi, but wanted to let you know this is a possibility.

The doctors knocked me out for the exam due to my Ptsd but I learned it is common practice to sedate people.

 

[WishfulThinking123]

I have been assaulted in that area many times by my X....even though it hurt so tremendously, he wouldn't stop and said I liked it...My experience with it was I would often bleed from that area....not just a little but dripping blood for a few days I think...but, what I didn't know UNTIL I gave birth is it did a lot of damage... I had a 3rd degree tear due to this trauma and bled more than my doulas ever seen and she does multiple births a month, really experienced, etc... she was actually concerned for me... however, the Dr. was able to stich me right away which was awful after just giving birth. I would suggest that you talk to a dr. before giving birth because, my thought is if there is some kind of damage there, they would be able to circumvent the trauma after birth or at least be better prepared. Also, hzving sex there can really prevent you from being able to go which ahs happened to me once but, that shouldnt last more than a day or so.. so I would really suggest talking a dr. and you did nothing wrong and have nothing to be ashamed about, you dont even have to give all the details if you dont want to. Youre really brave for posting here btw.. I hope my post was helpful.

 

[littleoc]

Then you won't have to stress about it any more....

That would be lovely... I've been thinking also about what @Sideways said about a load off my shoulders -- not changing my diet to prevent future distress. That would be nice

I left an injury like that untreated since 2001 until it became a real issue a few years ago.

I'm not sure what my issue is yet, but it's not impossible to have been something like that, I think. Did everything heal well?

Also, thank you -- and I think you're brave for posting here too. This is probably the most difficult post I've made so far... but hopefully I'll be getting another out soon? But anyway, thank you

I hope my post was helpful.

It was very helpful, thank you. Did it heal okay?

 

[Fadeaway]

It seems so, haven't had any issues since.

 

[Sweetleaf]

but having had it before ptsd I know I could do it again, and can say it’s ok.

I -totally- hope you are 100% right.

For me, being in a hospital setting always puts me kinda on edge. If I go to the main hospital around here, I get panicky, because that's where my trauma ended, and that was some intense shit, and going there really brings me back.

 

[WishfulThinking123]

@littleoc Yes, the stiches healed nicely and I dont seem to have any issues. However, if I d get married and get pregnant again I'm pretty sure I am going to talk to my OB about it, because, I dont want to have the same issues with birth, it was pretty scary and traumatic for me..

 

[littleoc]

@littleoc Yes, the stiches healed nicely and I dont seem to have any issu...

I'm glad you're okay now. I can imagine it was... :hug: