Supporter Looking For Help And Advice

[AshleyBlaire]

Hi. I've never looked to this medium before, but I am at the point where I am looking to anything for help, for another point of view. I am 28 and have been married to my husband for just short of 5 years. I have known him for 14 years. We were high school sweethearts but both dated others on and off. We got married right before his first deployment to Afghanistan. He is a Corpsman who was deployed with the Marines on the ground. He has undisputedly "seen some shit". It has been an uphill battle ever since. That's not to say that things haven't been good in that time but more recently things have gone to the dark side. He has always been a very emotional personal person. After he got back he was VERY emotional, and rightfully so. We have moved since that time and his new position within the military is much less exhilarating. He now works a 7-4 position, there are no bombs exploding, no one that has just been blown up by an IED. We thought it would be good, but over the last 7 months he has withdrawn from our marriage. He, as of recent, has not been kind, loving, warm, empathetic and I brought it to his attention. I then found out he had made a new female friend. I am using the term friend. They have communicated too much and I have confronted them both about it. And although it is hurtful and not proper I don't find that to be the main issue. I find it to be fallout from the real issue which is that he recently told me (after I shared my feelings of his lack of showing up in our marriage) that he 1) doesn't want to get divorced, but doesn't want to be married and that 2) although would never kill himself sees no reason for living. I am ashamed of myself for knowing this person, my best friend and husband for so long and not fully recognizing that it is just as much my job to understand PTSD and help as it is his job to understand PTSD and get help. Well I didn't I let it to him. Not because I didn't want to help, but because I've never been married, I'd never known anyone with PTSD and I didn't realize I should. Now I am afraid I am going to lose the love of my life. I know that he loves me and loves our family (we have 3 dogs), and I feel like the PTSD/depression/anxiety is what's speaking and not whats truly in his heart. So, has anyone every gone through something like this? Come out of it on top? Created a stronger more stable bond with your spouse? I'm willing to fight for our marriage even when he thinks he's not. He has agreed to counseling. We start Thursday, but I want to put everything useful, helpful and positive I can in my arsenal to use PTSD as a catalyst for positive change in him and positive change in us.

 

[Ghostybear73]

I can't say I have been through what you are going through, but I did want to welcome you to the forum. I'm sure plenty here will be able to help.

 

[WillyKat]

First, bless you for fighting for your relationship.

It's extremely common for those of us w/ PTSD to withdraw like that. It's also common to see your life as ending soon. Our minds get full of the hyper vigilance and we have little patience for anything else. We're constantly on guard and relationships demand the opposite. Because letting our guard down is dangerous, relationships often suffer. He's on guard because not being on guard has tremendous cost, and he's not one to let anyone down. He's stuck in that, which is another part of PTSD.

During a traumatic event, the part of our brains that handle normal reality get shut down while the part that handles fear is at full tilt. The part that handles normal reality also handles the integration of the experience into memory. The part that handles fear doesn't store memory. Instead, the fear and confusion get stuck in active memory. Hence, we get stuck with hyper vigilance.

It's critical that he gets some help with this. Some therapy will help him process the memories, make sense of them, and defuse the hyper vigilance.

I'm a strong believer in the healing power of wilderness and being out in nature. If he's the same, you might look into Wounded Warrior Project's Project Odyssey. A guy by the name of Ploetz also has a Paddle off the War Facebook page. There's also something called Warrior Hike. There's also a book by former SEAL Eric Greitens called Resilience. He might find that helpful.

I realize I'm rambling a bit. Hope this helps.

 

[intothelight]

@AshleyBlaire Welcome to the forum!

Take a look at the Supporter's section as there is a lot of information and also members who could provide you with the insight and support that you need.