Looking For Help

[weldermommy]

My husband was diagnosed with PTSD in 03. He is currently on his 3rd tour in Iraq. We have known each other since we were 11, (21 years). We have been married since 05, everyone says our relationship is like a fairy tale.

To be married to your childhood best friend, what a treat.

Well, on June 11th, he sent me an email and said he'd realized he'd been living a lie and he now thinks our relationship was a high school crush gone too long, and that as soon as he comes home, he's filing for divorce. This was so out of character and out of the blue. I talked to his old 1SG, who is a good friend of ours, now a Sergeant Major and he read the email. SGM told me if I didn't go to the Rear Detachment and tell them he was having a ptsd episode he would because this was so out of nowhere and unlike him. My husband was very proud of himself for convincing them he's fine.

Anyways, long story short, I've been trying to convince him this is a classic ptsd episode and the chaplain gave me a bunch of info to forward to him. While he was home on leave in January, he woke me up on two separate nights and said "They're looking at me" with tears rolling down his face and then went back to sleep. I kept it to myself because it scared me but I finally told him last week. He said he understands now why I think it's ptsd but that he's fine and thinking more clearly than he ever has before.

He says now that he never loved me and used me to get custody of his kids and that it "would be best for all parties involved if you went home to Arizona."

Fooling someone for a year is one thing, even 4 is plausible. But this guy has been my best friend for 21 years and I and everyone in the families think there is something seriously wrong with him.
The chaplain thinks he has emotionally numbed himself and is isolating himself. The strangest thing is he kept getting online to IM with me up until 2 days ago. The chaplain thinks he may be using me to stay grounded.

I just want to know if this is common behavior with ptsd. I have ptsd stemming from abuse as a child. I know I push people away alot...but not like this. And every time I talk to him, his lies get more grandiose and he acts like he's superman. He says things like "I can have any girl I want". And he keeps telling me he doesn't want to hurt me but I keep pushing for counseling and not agreeing to the divorce so I've left him no choice but to keep hurting me. I love him with all of my heart and soul and I hate to see him like this.

I've even told him, the real T is a beautiful, kind, caring, responsible man and would never do any of this, especially to his children and that's why I feel in my heart that this is a ptsd thing. Or something.

Anyways, sorry for the long post. Thank you.

 

[amethist]

Hi Weldermummy

Welcome to the forum.

Look after yourself and your children first, then you will be able to look after your husband.

It is common for sufferers to push their partners away, it's one less stress for them to deal with.

Read all you can on the information pages and ask questions, someone will answer you.

Good luck and stay strong

Amethist

 

[BethRSA]

Hi weldermummy,

Welcome. Thanks for caring enough to seek help.

You've come to a good, safe place.

 

[2quilt]

Can your friend the Sgtmjr and the chaplain get your husband a hardship discharge or at least moved state side asap? He already has PTSD, it's not good to let me be in a war zone with a live weapon.

 

[ANCHOR]

Hello Weldermummy,

Welcome to the forum. Congrautulations on all the research you are now doing. It always helps.

Best regards to you on this journey!

 

[JVLeger]

Ya I know how that feels to have stuff switched on you in a heart beat.

Sorry to hear that has happened, hope the best for you and your family.

 

[Nerdanna]

To Weldermommy

I want you to know your post is what moved me to respond in this forum.

I have learned to "see through" the illness in my husband of 15 years when he has an episode. It is the illness that speaks and acts.

I look forward to participating in this forum for support.

We all have something to offer each other.

 

[Milhealth]

Dear Weldermommy,
I am a medical/military medicine/health researcher...and an Army Airborne Mom (82ndABN). I also lead a support group for the 3rd BCT/82nd and maintain a free internet website with information on PTSD and TBI and other mental health issues. First, I am sorry you are going through this very, very difficult situation. This is not uncommon...I cannot tell you how many times I have been told this or seen it personally... exactly as you have written. It is NOT you (although obviously you are on the receiving end) nor did you do anything wrong (even when people know this on a 'conscious level' subconsciously they look at everything they 'perceive' they have done wrong. Emotional/psychological injuries are so challenging to treat (unlike some physical injuries) and the individual must believe he/she is having problems and 'want' to seek help. It goes without saying the culture in the military is not always 'supportive' of this although I have seen improvements. There are many similarities between soldiers who have suffered TBI or mild TBI and PTSD...in some cases the soldier may have both. Was your husband screened for TBI when he redeployed? Sometimes (with some) if they feel they are getting 'checked' up for a 'physical' (brain injury) rather than psychological 'problems' ("weakness").

When they deploy they have to completely 'steel' their psyche (this begins even before deployment, my son is on his 4th deployment).Of course, to what extent is variable. They have to put up (mentally speaking) that steel curtain and it is an 'all or none' thing. The chaplain (BTW, I really believe Chaplains do not get enough credit or recognition for all they do... they are respected because they are out in the battlefield right next to the rest of them and so they are 'one of them' too) is exactly right in saying about 'grounding'. In these situations, the people they are closest to and love the most are the same people they try their hardest to push away...when in reality you and your family/children are the only 'safe' thing he has and really, needs the most. Sometimes ... the best reaction is no reaction. Meaning, that if you can try (and I know you have tried, have been hurt ... more than anyone deserves but it is very obvious how much you love your husband and how much you care about your relationship/marriage) but if you can when you are together ... focus on doing the things together that you always enjoyed doing together; and when he says hurtful things ... reassure him that you love him, but also let him know in a kind but firm way that you are not going to listen to that and/or respond to that and walk away. Think of how you would behave/react if he had a physical injury? I know the 'scenario' is different but rather than 'react' to a negative (what he his saying to 'hurt' you and push you away), don't react...remain neutral and don't engage in 'that' conversation (it is hard because your husbands, like all spouses know what 'buttons' to push for the maximum effect). It is a very personal decision as to how much a person can 'take'. Definitely do not allow him to be abusive that should be an automatic out. Obviously I do not know you personally or your husband but what is so positive is your relationship has been long term ... 'rooted' (something else you can tell your husband-'we've been together a long time and have gone through everything together and we will get through this but I need your help')-you are letting him know he is needed.

I hope there is something in my response that can help or give you some reassurance. Remember, you have done absolutely nothing wrong, there isn't anything you could have or should have done 'better' to make him 'happy'... within your boundaries try to understand and have patience (as much as you humanly can) and just try to keep looking forward/ahead. Also, as mentioned by another person... take care of yourself too. Your husband is very, very lucky! Good luck to you both, I'll keep you and your family in my prayers. This is all so difficult and heartbreaking.
Milhealth
(Karen)

 

[alexismarie1025]

Hi I have ptsd i am female I wont get into why mine started. But a few weeks ago the military caled me about my son. Seems he went off the wall. tried to kill himself and hit his wife. she asked that i tell them the abuse he suffered at the hands of his father as well as the abuse he saw his father do to me.
First the military said add and gave him aderol. he lost 40 pounds in one month. the military does not want to say ptsd then they have to pay.
But they did say it this time but not on record. as he has to testify i a case where another soldier , one of our own while in iraq went crazy shooting 2 of our men. my son tackled him to the ground. so they are hesitant on putting ptsd on paper yet. keeping him on base away from his family. His wife went there and said well fix him. they said lady you dont understand he is ptsd times 50. So now they have my son on bass carrying a gun. What the hell is the military thinking?
I told the 1st sgt about all the abuse he suffered as a kid also he was in iraq 3 times. he was one of the first in . And what I READ about him in articles that poor kid saw way more then we can imagine.
The military is not taking care of these men like they should . In fact on myspace page I do have videos of this very issue. And there are links to ptsd sites especially for miltary in my friends. I dont know if its proper to post my page here if not they wil delete it. I litterly cried when I saw the video I took from the ptsd site when they come home for myspace.
Our men can go fight for this country, then they want to cover up ptsd. they think give them 3 or 4 months off and they are better and send them back into iraq. that crazy. I been ptsd since age 14 I am 49 . and far from fixed. I dont belive we ever are fully better. maybe for awhile or we learn to control it. but to send someone back into that mess will only make them worse. They need civilian dr's care. The military pays military dr's to cover up this crap. I hope this helps. and I pray for you wonderful husband and my son . God bLESS You:Hug_emoticon: Betty:Hug_emoticon: