Hello all. It's become a cliche that bad guys had bad childhoods, that abusive adults were abused themselves, that cruelty gets passed on to the next generation.
I want to understand why this pattern takes place in terms of clinical psychology. I would like to know what mental process is at work that makes this happen, in the same way that say a school pupil might want to understand why gravity forces an object to drop when you let go of it.
Because it's not a given that if you get caught in the rain, you become determined to shower a stranger in a bucket of water. It's not obvious that if you lose your possessions, you go and destroy someone else's.
And there are people out there who had bad childhoods and do not create bad childhoods for the next generation of children.
Is it really a simple case of abusers relieving their own trauma by taking out their resentment with the world on an innocent target? How does that feeling of relief occur, when some people are by contrast relieved by doing good to others - or better still, being aware and fair?
Full disclosure, aged 45 I had a waking dream this morning with a flashback to the time my real-life childhood tormentor complained that his childhood tormentor sought out his alleged mistakes and failings as a pretext to punish him. (Although said phrase was that the person "wanted him to be perfect".) Which is precisely what my childhood tormentor did to me, although probably to a less abusive extent than their own experience.
Am sure we all have personal ideas about the dynamics at work, but any links to articles or videos or books by professionals commenting about this are very much welcome. Because in my case, understanding the reasons for why it happens is a form of relief.
I've read so many part of books that I can't possibly tell you the source but somewhere they said that those who were abused and are in denial of it become more likely abusive. I'd say without denial abuse isn't possible. Then it's something else like a drug addiction. If they are aware they would feel the need to change their behavior.
Personally I would stay away from saying that abusers had a bad childhood.
From personal experience I know that abusers don't view themselves as abusive. They do alot of reframing:
Punching against the door of their child to get their signature while getting short of breath and crying because they have an anger attack and say: "It's your fault if I get an heart attack" becomes: "You don't allow me to a̵c̵t̵ o̵n̵ feel feelings. It's healthy f̶o̶r̶ ̶m̶e̶ ̶n̶o̶t̶ ̶f̶o̶r̶ ̶o̶t̶h̶e̶r̶s̶ to a̵c̵t̵ ̵o̵n̵ have feelings. It's your mental illness that's why you try to ̶s̶̶e̶̶t̶̶ ̶̶b̶̶o̶̶u̶̶n̶̶d̶̶a̶̶r̶̶i̶̶e̶̶s̶̶.̶̶ ̶̶o̶̶k̶̶ ̶̶i̶'̶m̶̶ ̶̶p̶̶u̶̶k̶̶i̶̶n̶̶g̶̶ ̶̶s̶̶o̶̶o̶̶n̶̶ forbid me that."
And this is the only thing they'll the other people, all bystanders. Always. Because they obviously can't regulate their emotions themselves otherwise they wouldn't behave abusive in the first place. They need other people to regulate their emotions. They are able to control their emotions for a short time when it suits them, at work.
And others will believe them because they really think like this. They really think you deserved it. They don't lie. That's why they are so convincing. And they feel no shame that's why they go around telling others their reframed story while the victim won't say a word. That's why victims can be mistaken for abusers by bystanders or therapists, and abusers make themselves appear as victims or as caring. They'll tell everyone everything except facts, just assumptions or interpretations.
They unknowingly engage in a mix of denial, deflect and attack, invalidation and counterattacks and DARVO. They probably aren't aware of this.
A counterattack or deflection could even be something, a simple failure of yours, as: "You told me this at the end of our last meeting s̶o̶ ̶t̶h̶a̶t̶'̶s̶ ̶w̶h̶y̶ ̶I̶ ̶r̶e̶f̶u̶s̶e̶ ̶t̶o̶ ̶d̶i̶s̶c̶u̶s̶s̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶r̶ ̶c̶o̶n̶c̶e̶r̶n̶s̶ ̶n̶o̶w̶."
You should explain yourself for unnessesary details which ends up in arguing, far away from the criticism you gave them.
They don't only reframe your behavior making it sound negative plus adding some maked up bad intent of yours, they state assumptions like these are facts. They also use double standards and reframe their own behavior making it sound positive too:
If you don't like criticism you aren't able to take criticism and need to work on that. It's your flaw.
If they don't like criticism they accuse you of making accusions. Or they tell you to stop making accusions. It's your flaw.
All in all it's always your fault.
If you cry you aren't resilient and not suited for the job, if they cry they show emotions and it's healthy.
And you as a child internalize their toxic opinion about you.
"How does that feeling of relief occur, when some people are by contrast relieved by doing good to others - or better still, being aware and fair?"
I don't know but what I know is when I fought back the first time, my step mother wanted to slap me and she clearly wasn't as experienced and used to it as I, I didn't hit her but I managed to stop her the first time and the second slap also didn't hit me because I stepped aside then. This was the best feeling in the world that's why I still know it. Euphoria. Adrenaline shot through the whole body, the good kind of adrenaline. Triumph like a victory. Maybe I laughed or smiled as she looked puzzled. She didn't foresee that my reaction time was better than others people, my body all time ready to react, and my trust in others was already broken. Probably she just thought that I perceived it as a playful game which I didn't but we never talked about it.
But that's not what abusive people feel. They likely feel rage and think the victim deserves it. They are the kind of people who feel angry instead of sad or anxious.
I don't agree with the circle of abuse. That's maybe only for abusive people that have an addiction. All other abusers don't apologize. If they apologize at all it's "I'm sorry you perceive it this way." More likely is that the victims apologize. When you hear someone apologizing and promising they'll change themselves it's most likely the victim. Abusers wouldn't make themselves look weak and they see nothing wrong with themselves.
amp.theguardian.com
