General Looking For Solace

[owen1978]

Hi,

I live in UK and have been married 5 and half years, but recently our relationship has hit the rocks, almost ending in us splitting up.

I am going through a tough time at the moment.

My wife has been been the victim of various forms of abuse from physical, mental and sexual for about 20 years, during various stages of her life.

I am not going talk about her trauma but will say that it is more than 10 traumatic incidents

I am going to start from when we were about to get married.

* I nearly called off the wedding, which hurt her and she has never forgiven me for.

* Just before we got married she found out that I was still talking to my ex, which upset her and told me to break it off.

* After we got married my ex was still contacting me, which she found out about, I told my ex to leave me alone and I changed my number.

* She had left her favourite job - airline hostess, in order to spend more time with me and my family - she moved in with me at my parents home to a new city away from her friends.

* She found it difficult to make friends which she can fully trust

* She studied to become a teacher, and then got a teaching position which was a highly stressful and high pressured job

* Into our third year of marriage, she came off the pill, as we were trying for
a baby - this led to acne forming around her neck and face, which made her feel ugly

* In our fourth year (2012) in Feb she had a panic/anxiety attack - which at the time I thought was brought on by her stressful job

* Our sex life from the time of the panic attack seemed to deteriorate

* She started kickboxing June 2012

* She had a miscarriage in Oct 2012 (very early stage - i.e. not developed)

* Another miscarriage in Jan 2013 (very early stage - i.e. not developed)

* May 2013 - She made good friends which she could trust at kickboxing and was spending time with them

* This led to her spending more time on social media and and hanging out with her new friends (wife is 32, her friend vary from 20's to 26)

* This started off my insecurities and I started to feel rejected, lonely etc...

* I asked her if I could come watch her at a kickboxing tournament her club entered her into she said no

* I asked her why doesn't she ever invite them around for dinner? or would she ever introduce me to them, she said no, she wants this as a separate thing for her.

* I was upset and told her it seems she has a secret life, she blew her lid and was angry with me

* She went to the her tournament (mid june), and didn't come back home till 4am next morning, she got stuck in traffic as they were doing maintenance work on the highway. (But I didn't hear from her all day, it wasn't till i texted her at about 2am that she said that she was stuck in traffic)

* I asked her why she was didn't contact me before, she said she lost track of time
I then asked her if she was cheating on me - this really hurt her and she then emotionally shut down on me (this was a trigger)

* The next few weeks she would go to her kickboxing at around 5pm and come back really late - 12-1am

* By this time (start of july) my mental wellbeing was really bad, It was effecting my work, I was hardly eating, sleeping, I'd wake up in the middle of the night sweating.

* I had a gut feeling there was more to it, and on one fateful night I managed to get hold a recording of her kissing her kickboxing instructor (he is 23).

* Out of anger I emailed the recordings to her sisters and my sisters which she is close to

* She got home that night and said It was only the second time she kissed him and it didn't go any further, she was shook up of what she did and seemed to snap out of what state she was in

 

[owen1978]

Ok, slowly getting there....

So in the last few weeks we have been talking a lot, I mean a LOT about our issues.

1) After the panic attack, she said she felt like disappearing for a while, she didn't want to be there

2) I asked her how she feels about me, she says she loves me but isn't in love with me

I thought the panic attack was brought on by her stressful job, but after doing a lot of research via articles, forums etc... I believe it was brought on by her past.

She always said to me that she had these boxes with all her trauma boxed away in her head and thought/thinks she is in control of it.

But a good analogy is that its like poison in a jar, over time cracks start to appear in the jar, the poison seeps out into the person subconscious. This what I believe led to her attack. She is subconsciously expecting something to go wrong...?

She said to me it was after a couple months after her attack that she started distancing her way from me and that she just wanted to disappear. She couldn't do that which then led to what I believe was depression.

I believe that my wife has been fighting this depression for over a year, and found kickboxing as her relief from the stress. Which then had knock on effects.

I think I would like to know will she love me again, are her true feelings lost among all her stresses, and with therapy, her traumatic past will slowly heal and hopefully reveal how she feels about me.

I'm feeling so lonely, and she is too

 

[owen1978]

One of the things she initially suggested that we separate for a couple of months. So she can see whether she misses me.

She seems to be enjoying life, going out with her friends to bars and clubs, just living it up. Buying new clothes for herself, going on trips away with new best friend etc...

She says she needs to find herself

I have asked her if she wants me to leave just say so but she doesn't say anything.

We are trying to reconnect and are trying to spend more time with each other doing more activities.

The councillor has suggested that we both go for inner child therapy, I have read up on it and sounds like it might help.

She was 27 and I was 29 when we got married, into our second year of marriage as she opened up to me about her past, I said to her that she needs therapy - she refused, as she doesn't believe in all that and thought she had everything under control

 

[owen1978]

One of our main problem seems to have been the lack of communication from both of us.
She will bottle her feelings up and not talk about problems.

While I would avoid issues as she gets angry/upset and I find it intimidating talking to her.
She has a quick temper and is easily irritated.

At the moment she is throwing herself into her kickboxing, has also taken up running as she is taking part in a 10k run.

I am just worried that she is over exerting herself, she always comes back with bruises and pains her body due to kickboxing. I have read that physical stress can lead to mental stress.

I don't want to rain on her parade and say she might be getting a bit too old for kickboxing, as it is quite intense. Kickboxers seem to retire in the 30's. (she is 32)

But then again it is good exercise for her, but what started out as just some exercise is developing into her getting all her belts which is fine but now leading into sparring and competitions.

I think its just another form of running away from her problems

I was actually thinking of having a serious talk with her and confronting her about PTSD but I'm afraid of her reaction.

She is very upset with me that I sent recordings of her kissing her instructor to her sisters and my sisters - she sees this as vicious act.

Which it probably was, as my whole world was torn apart that night and I wasn't in a correct frame of mind.

The thing is I can empathise with how she was feeling leading up to and on the night of the fated kiss - thats why I can forgive her.

But she doesn't seem to empathise how I was feeling which led to my stupid actions, so she cannot seem to forgive me for that, actually I think she doesn't know how to forgive in general.

When its about me and her, its always her point of view that takes priority. She cannot seem to see things from my shoes, and even when she tries this she puts herself in my shoes but still looks at it of from her point of view.

I'm trying to re-affirm (don't know if this the correct term) that people are different and behave differently but don't know if she can process this in her head. If she could forgive I believe it would relieve a lot of her stress.

 

[owen1978]

She feels very alone at the moment and lost as a person, is there nothing I can do?

By the looks of it she has PTSD, but did this occur recently or did it stem from the panic attack?

She's gone away for 5 days to Scotland, trekking in the wilderness with her friend. She enjoys adventure and thrill seeking which we stopped doing due to paying off bills, debts, study etc...

Trying my best to reconnect, her birthday is coming up was thinking of taking her to do Coasteering

Would doing things she enjoys help us reconnect?

 

[Sweetpea76]

Hi Owen... welcome.

I said to her that she needs therapy - she refused, as she doesn't believe in all that and thought she had everything under control

She sounds like she really needs to get some therapy. You can't help her if she won't help herself.

As far as her actions go, not all bad behavior is because of PTSD. Sufferers still know right from wrong, no matter how bad they feel, and they can make choices on how they act. Kissing another man, admittedly twice, while you are married is not cool. She should be embarrassed that not only did she did it, but did it in a public enough setting where she was recorded. Saying you were vicious to make the recording public is just deflection. She is twisting and manipulating the situation to make you into the bad guy, when in fact she was a cheater.

It sounds like she is trying to recapture some of her youth. That is all well and good, but she is not a young 20-something single girl, she is in her thirties and married. It is not fair of her to treat you like that. She has to have respect for the marriage and your relationship if she wants to be a wife.

But she doesn't seem to empathise how I was feeling which led to my stupid actions, so she cannot seem to forgive me for that, actually I think she doesn't know how to forgive in general.

Your feelings are valid too. It seems from your posts that she feels like she can act anyway she wants, but when you have a reaction to her bad behavior, you suddenly become the bad guy, and then she cannot forgive you for getting upset??

Owen, it is clear that you love her very much, and you are concerned for her. You have to step back and look at the whole situation though. PTSD is not a free pass to be selfish and treat you anyway that she wants. Perhaps a bigger help to your relationship instead of trying to reconnect would be to have a long talk and set down some boundaries.

Good luck.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Hi Owen, and welcome. I am a sufferer.

I know that you're hurting, and I'm sorry for that. I see you as someone who really wants to heal and move forward with your wife. Unfortunately, she has already checked out of the marriage for the most part.

I understand how she wants to have separate friends apart from you. I keep parts of my life separate---it's a safety thing for me. If one part of my life goes to heck, I have support elsewhere. Intermingle everything and people start talking, taking sides, and before I know it I'm ganged up on and have no support. However, I don't cheat on people or do dishonest things behind others backs as your wife has. Cheating is a big no-no, and please don't let her use her issues as an excuse to cheat.

It takes both parties putting effort into a relationship in order for it to work. You can't do it alone without her putting in effort. What I'm trying to say is that you can't make her happy. You can't fix her. She needs to do these things for herself.

Untreated PTSD----well, it isn't pretty, and as such, you shouldn't expect much improvement from someone so completely in denial. I know you don't want to anger her by confronting her about her issues, but can you honestly live like this for the rest of your life? True, it's a risk, but in the end it may be worth it. You'll know you did everything you could to help her. Love isn't enough, sad to say.

 

[owen1978]

Let me elaborate on the incident, about a month before the kiss I could feel herself pulling away or it felt like this me maybe she was making new friends and spending time with them brought out my insecurities, so I gave her a lot more attention, she didn't like this and started feeling suffocated i think, she then started to feel uncomfortable coming home and being around me.

I then obviously accused her of cheating on me which then triggered the emotional shutdown towards me, which then led to her kissing the guy, she said that she did it to see if she can feel any response as she had been emotionally dead to the world, she wanted to feel anything guilt, shame etc.. but she didn't even feel anything at all, her emotions were completely lost she was a zombie.

It wasn't until she come back home that night, and saw suitcases full of her stuff on the drive, and realised that her sisters knew of the kiss that she broke down into tears - she seemed to snap out of what ever bubble she was in, she was shaking like a leaf, reality hit her big time.

 

[owen1978]

The councillor did say when you tell a child not to do something they will do it... mean that due to me accusing her of cheating, it was self prophecy. What interested me was the councillors use of the word child... which to me indicates that my wife was in a child like mindset

 

[Sweetpea76]

If you go back and read your responses you blame yourself for her behavior, you blame her trauma, her mindset... everyone and everything but her. If you want her to continue to treat you this way, then justifying all these behaviors and making excuses is just the way to go. It is very very easy for supporters to be codependent in PTSD relationships. That is not going to be good for you or her.

 

[owen1978]

At the moment I don't want to self diagnose, so I am reluctant to confront her about it, she may have some symptoms of PTSD but there is a chance I could be wrong.

I wrote a letter to my councillor, explaining my concerns that she may be suffering from PTSD...

Think I'm going to hold back and let the professionals do there job, if things don't improve then I will re-evaluate.

At the moment we are friendly which each other and getting along, she seems a bit more physically comfortable around me in the sense that she will stretch her legs on on me, ask me to rub her back etc...

Just going to try to build on that... do things we both enjoy like adventurous and thrill seeking activities together.