Looking For Support And Advice

[pink.sunflower]

Hi everyone. I am also a member on the PTSD site. I just recently found out about this site and thought that this site may benefit me as well since I am a survivor of domestic violence and it is the cause of my PTSD. So, I am going to copy and paste the same introduction from the PTSD site. Thank you in advance.

I was diagnosed with severe depression 20 years ago after escaping 6 years of domestic violence. And several years after that I was diagnosed with panic disorder. And several years after that I was told that it was PTSD all along. Unfortunately, due to my mental state, my ex gained custody of our children. I was a broken, scared young lady and I didn't have the knowledge or strength in me to fight him. I guess 6 years of abuse, physical and mental, will do that to a person. I almost died twice and was hospitalized 3 times. Back then the police did not get involved unless the victim pressed charges, which I was too scared to do because my ex told what would happen if I ever did. And I had been living in a state where he was from with no family or friends of my own.

I saw my kids as much as I was "allowed", and most of the time that involved a police escort to and from the house. After I finally got on my feet, and started feeling more secure, I moved back to that town (which was only 40 min from where I had been living). It wasn't easy, there weren't many jobs or decent places to live. My kids had been fed a bunch of lies placing all the blame on me for a failed marriage and leaving them (btw, my ex was not abusive to them, physically, and was well thought of in the community and made a good living (look up sociopath). At the time of the divorce I felt like he could be a better provider because I didn't think I was worth the paper my birth was written on.)

The years went by and I just pretty much existed. My kids didn't have much respect for me. People in the town didn't have much respect for me. And my ex took whatever chance he had to put me down and control my life (through my kids mainly). But, I stayed and did the best I could until my kids were all out of high school. At that point I wanted to make something of myself and do something I could feel proud of. I started back to college which required me to move about an hour away. But, I went back about every other weekend for visits with my kids who seemed to be even more bitter towards me as time went on.

During this time my ex was caught cheating on the wife which he cheated on me with (big shocker). However, he had tried to make her their mother and make them have respect for her (while he encouraged the opposite for me). So, his cheating didn't go over real well with the kids. But, they all forgave him and he was once again king of the hill. Then shortly after he was fired from his job of 20 years for stealing thousands of dollars. And they still stood by him. But, his troubles somehow made my troubles worse.

He started attacking me again, mostly when nobody was looking. Doing his best to tear me down and destroy what bit of a relationship I had with my kids. I guess he couldn't handle the thought of me being successful while his little world was crumbling around him. Does anyone have any idea what it takes to try to coexist with the person who is the cause of your PTSD? To try to push your feelings aside for the sake of your children? To take every cuss and name calling with a grain of salt? Bringing back the nightmares, the flashbacks, the insecurity, the humiliation, and the anger...

So today I sit here with less than a year of getting my BBA. My kids are not talking to me because I need to just "Get over the past". They are tired of hearing what their father has put me through, because he is a great man and he is wonderful and he wasn't the one who left them. I feel like I am back to square one with this. I feel like this hell is never going to end. My grades are slipping, I'm starting to question my sanity, I don't want to leave the house. All the years of struggle and hard work down the drain just about.

My oldest daughter is pregnant, due in two weeks, and not even speaking to me. And she is just as verbally abusive towards me as he is. My kids don't know why I cry so much and when I try to explain it to them they get mad. My son has even told me that if I don't "get over it" to just leave him alone. I do have a support system, but they don't suffer from PTSD and they really don't know how to help. They try, but they don't understand me. I don't understand how one person can destroy a life and look in the mirror and feel good about what they have done??

I have been divorced for 20 years now and I still cannot have a relationship with a man. I don't trust them and the first time their voice is raised I'm out the door and don't look back. I know there are people that have been trough much worse. I don't know how they cope and live a productive life. This is destroying me and I don't know how to stop it. People say to forgive, but I don't know how to do that. How do you forgive someone that is constantly twisting a knife in your back? We have kids and grandkids now. There are birthday parties, showers, weddings, special occasions, do I just not go to any of them because I know he will attack me in some way? And if I don't go, then "i don't care about my kids".

I'm not in a situation where something bad happened and I have to work through it and get on with my life. I'm in a situation where I am constantly exposed to the abuser and his abusive ways if I want to be a part of my kids lives. That makes it kind of hard to put it in the past. I asked my son to look up PTSD and educate himself and maybe he would understand where I'm coming from, he just got mad at me and said I was making it hard on myself. They don't see what their father does when their heads are turned. I don't know what to do anymore... Any suggestions or advice would be appreciated.

 

[Meadowsweet]

Your story is very touching and i am so sorry for what he did to you.

How do you 'get over it' when the abuse is still going on after all these years? I'm not sure if you have got to a point where you can accept that he is still abusing you, and of course, with PTSD, it makes it easier for him to mentally abuse you.

Whatever that family says about you, can you see the sacrifices you have made and the commitment and strength that you've shown fighting to be there for your children? You sound like you've been through hell and back for your children, and though they may not appreciate it, be proud of yourself for doing that. Sometimes it's the injustice of this world that is hardest of all to take. But, from experience, I know that trying to get others to understand just sends them running in the opposite direction.

Your children are grown up now, and I think that perhaps there will be a different way to come together. Maybe this is the time to put your energy into proving to everyone (including yourself) that you can do something by yourself with your life. Let them see the strong person you are that way.

 

[pink.sunflower]

Thank you. I have lived most of my life feeling like I have let my kids down. It wasn't until the last few months through talking to friends that I have realized that I did the very best I could with the circumstances I was dealt. All I want is for my ex to be completely out of my life and to finally have some peace. I just wish that my children could understand that. Thy have no idea what kind of hell it is for me to be around him.

 

[Nicolette]

Welcome Pink.Sunflower :smile:

All I want is for my ex to be completely out of my life and to finally have some peace

Hmmm... if your children are now grown this should be possible to a significant extent. You mention he is still attacking you etc.... I don't understand the contact which would now be necessary with him. Are you able to explain why you don't have minimal if no contact? Do they still live at home? Is that why you say that to have contact with the kids you have to have contact with him?

It wasn't until the last few months through talking to friends that I have realized that I did the very best I could with the circumstances I was dealt.

I believe this too. I just wonder if you are too busy giving yourself a hard time looking back at what you can't change rather than putting that same emotional energy into building a new life with your now adult children. My son is 22 and going through the transition from my child to an adult and it's difficult with the best relationship as the last thing a lot of them want is to be 'told' anything.

While your children may have formed their views here and now you still have every chance and power to impact their ongoing views by the decisions you now make. They will in time work things out, or be willing to admit things about their father you'd like to hear but even if they don't it shouldn't really matter as they were not abused and do not have the same issues with him. If anything you should be happy he didn't harm them.

They don't see what their father does when their heads are turned.

It is very likely that they are not interested and the one thing I have learned is not to push your views upon them in such a situation. Answering questions they ask is one thing, telling them to look up PTSD is not something high on the priority list of any young adult unless it directly impacts on them as mean as that may sound to you.

. This is destroying me and I don't know how to stop it. People say to forgive, but I don't know how to do that. How do you forgive someone that is constantly twisting a knife in your back?

Have you tried to not forgive but accept it as your past, minimise your contact with him and those who he associates with? Go to the parties, functions etc and just stay well away. Maybe look at the positive that you are no longer married to him and now in control of your own life. I feel it is important you find something positive and focus on that.... it comes across as you are very tied and invested in demonstrating to others that you ex was an abuser but that's not what is important now - getting yourself up and functioning is and what you think is what you become so we have to look towards the sun and not the shadows. By no means am I discounting what you've been through but you can only deal with one thing at a time and now your study sounds really important.

They are tired of hearing what their father has put me through

Unfortunately with this - if you want to see your children then you will have to drop their father for now and show them a positive you. Talk about other things and don't discredit their father; that is something they will ask when ready or work out for themselves. What is important is for you to do what you can, and as you say their issue is they believe you left them, then I would be focusing on my study, getting good results and staying in the best possible place you can while staying, even if you don't like what you hear from them. It's a short term price to pay. I speak from experience as I had issues with my son's father and one day my son said to me "mum, he's still my dad and he's the only one I've got. I know his failings but I still choose to have a dad".... I stopped dead in my tracks and realised he was so right. We now laugh and talk about his dad with him telling me but it's because I changed and became approachable. I'm thinking right now that if you saw you son and he mentioned his dad it would set you off on a rant? If the answer is yes then you have the answer to the current problem they have with it.

I'm sorry if I sound like I'm against you but I am on your team - the reality of your situation is the only thing you have control of is you and if what you're doing is not working for you then sometimes you have to walk another road. I think your ex is consuming your life and I would love to read about you doing things to take your power back so you then have the strength to manage your illness rather than just exist feeling like you're living in hell :smile:

 

[Nicolette]

Thy have no idea what kind of hell it is for me to be around him.

Maybe it's just too much for them right now? I think focusing on just getting your kids back into your life is a really great thing to strive for if that's what you want? I know it doesn't seem fair to not be validated and 'right the wrongs' but baby steps I feel?

 

[pink.sunflower]

Thank you Nicolette. There are a lot of things going on.... I only talk to my kids about what happened when I have episodes (as I call it) with my PTSD. They attack me for something I cannot help, like being depressed or sad or withdrawn. It wasn't until this year that I even talked to them about my PTSD and tried to explain to them that it is an illness, it is not a choice. I do not wake up one morning and say, "today I'm going to be depressed and cry." It just happens. I have times where the memories and emotions come rushing back and it is very hard to handle. Sometimes just hearing my ex's name is a trigger, other times it may be seeing him or hearing his voice or him yelling at me. I just never know from one time to the other what it is going to be. That is why I try to explain the PTSD to my children. They are adults now. If you don't understand it, then look it up and educate yourself.

My oldest is 25 and my youngest is 21, they are not little kids anymore. And unfortunately I don't think we can ever fully get rid of our ex's. There are weddings, births, grandkids, grandkids birthdays, etc.. But instead of trying to understand and be patient, they tell me to "get over it", "that was 20 years ago, when are you going to let it go?" They don't have a CLUE what PTSD does to someone. I used to have episodes daily for a long time, then about once a week, then once a month, then maybe 3 or 4 times a year. Up until this past November it had been 6 months since I had had an episode.

And the day the episode happened I was on my what to my daughter's baby gender party, which my ex was attending, when he called me and cussed me out like he had not done in a long time (OVER A CAKE!!). It set me winding back to square one almost. I have not been the same since and it is March! I can only do so much myself with this. And what made my kids get mad and stop talking to me was actually a friend of mine who stood up for me and reminded them what kind of a person their father was. I am not sure if you have PTSD, but it is not something that is pleasant for anyone involved. Your brain gets "stuck" at a certain time in your life and even though it was 20 years ago, to someone with PTSD it may as well have been yesterday, because that is exactly how it feels.

I did not want you to misunderstand me. This is not something I talk about very often with my kids. They just don't want to hear it AT ALL. They do not want to acknowledge that there is a problem. I have told them time and again that I cannot be around their father and every time I have to explain it, like they are all of a sudden going to get a different answer or something? We have had more good times than bad, a lot more good times. I almost never bring any of this up to my kids until something happens. I have never tried to turn them on him. I have never lied to them. I have never asked them to choose between us. All I have asked them to do is try to be a little more understanding and patient with me during the bad times. But, when he does something wrong, and he DOES know what he is doing, and I get upset and want to leave then they should at least respect that. They should not gang up on me like a pack of wolves because I need to get away from the man that tried to kill me MORE THAN ONCE.

Like I said earlier, I am almost done with my bachelor's degree and the closer I get the worse he gets. I cannot help that he has screwed up his own career. My kids knew before I did that he was cheating on their step mother and telling one lie after another. He got fired from his job of 20 years for stealing thousands of dollars and now he can't find a decent job and is struggling. He cannot stand that I have picked myself up and left him in the dust. So, he is trying to push every button he can to cause me to fail. I have blocked him from my phone and he does not know my address now. So... he is using the kids to get to me. He has even talked my son into selling his house and moving next door to him, knowing full and well that I will never step foot in that area again. It is all a big fat mess.

 

[Nicolette]

He cannot stand that I have picked myself up and left him in the dust. So, he is trying to push every button he can to cause me to fail.

Maybe completing your degree is the best 'revenge' then without having to deal with him.... it will speak volumes of how well you have done including separating yourself from his clutches without saying anything at all :)

 

[Meadowsweet]

Are you able to get therapy to help manage your PTSD sunflower?

 

[pink.sunflower]

I was in therapy for many years for my PTSD. I am not currently in therapy. I do have a support group that I speak to on a regular basis.

 

[Meadowsweet]

Perhaps, given that you have experienced significant symptoms in the past few months, it might be a good idea to go back for some more sessions of therapy. Have you tried trauma focussed CBT? It's apparently good in PTSD management.

 

[pink.sunflower]

Meadowsweet, I have tried trauma focussed therapy. I am very strapped for money right now; I cannot afford going back at this time.

 

[Nicolette]

Question for you @Pink.Sunflower (no obligation to reply) - if you were to pick what upsets you most at the moment what would it be?