Looking For Support During The Down Times

[amanda678373617]

Hi I am over in little old Nova Scotia and, I was just today diagnosed with PTSD in my first therapy session.

I am starting to have major anxiety and it's becomming uncontrollable, I refuse to take drugs for it yet, but I am scared if I can't control it I might have to(crying(yes already lol)). lately it doesnt take much for me to cry, I am so overly sensitive it annoys even me let alone, I can only imagine how my partner is feeling.

TO explain my anxiety,

• When I was 3 I was molested.
• The man that did it was nevr charged.
• My mom kept men away fom me, it was bad for my dad to hug and kiss me and he didnt:(
• my parrents divorced and my mom went to a shelter for abused women as my dad hit my mom and was a drunk
• I stayed away from men my whole life until church and my youth minister took to me and he took advantgae of me
• I went to university, and almost got kicked out for pretending to be someone else online and talking to a football player in the next room because I wanted to feel loved by a guy and I didnt know in reality how to
• My grandomother died, she was like a mom
• I met a guy online, and we became very close her was my first and only bf
• my bf of 9 years never slept in the same bed with me, and for 5 years not in the same room.
• My bf liked disgusting sex we rarely did it, it was never loving
• I worked in a call center and men noticed my voice my ex thought I should try phone sex, as I hated my job and just went on stres leave
• I was a phone sex operator for 3 years, my ex encouraged it due to the money
• I stoped phone sex due to the effect it has on me and my view towards men, and it gave me flash backs from being molested when I was 3
• When I stopped having a large income and went to a regualr job, 9-5 the money was fine, but he was nver happy
• 1 week before my birthday my ex of 9 years walked out the door and told me he didnt love me, he was a very shy guy, with no friend(not being mean just a fact) I was worried he went home and was really depressed and going to hurt himself
• ony my birthday I went out with friends, when I came home, my house was emptied anything of value my ex took, without even a reason
• I learned the day after my birthday my ex was dating a girl for 6 months behind my back. He took my stuff and moved it into their new place.
• a week later they both started blackmailing me via facebook for 10,000 dollars or they would tell the whole town about phone sex.
• He took me to court to try and get my house, and lost.
• The blackmail continued and he used every weakness he knew about me, he knew what would hurt me and what he could do to make me give in, I fought back because I knew things about his family so he stopped.
• Since I have been dating on and off and moving on.
• I am dating a guy seriously now, best realtionship ever, i feel loved, I dont feel used, but I am scared to death of getting hurt again.
• my anxiety is in realtion to having someone I love so much again, and a huge fear of them doing what my ex did,

I fully thought my ex would be with me till the day i died, instead he wanted to destory me, he took advntage of every secret I told him even about being molested, he told his gf

I am trusting this new person but I am so scared, I love him so mu ch that I am scared of what will happend to me if he were to hurt me like my ex did, I so want to do that right thing, but I am so scared I dont know what to talkt o him about. He knows a lot of my past, but does he know enough, does he know that dating is causing my anxiety, but not dating him would kill me or crush me and i know it not fair to tell him this and put my happiness in him but how can you not feel this way when you love someone so much, I guess the problem with me is that I have always loved people and put everyone else before me. But I feel the best when I have someone to love that loves me back.

Something as simple as him not texting me in the am, or not being home, or when he picks up his kids from his ex's I have major anxiety to the point I bawl, I dont tell him this, because I dont want him to feel hes doing something wrong, he's not I jus don't know how to trust yet? I am scared, i am so scared and so angry at my ex for doing this to me I feel like I am going crazy its so debilitating that I dont know how to deal. writing was something my counselor sugggested so that is what I found this site an joined.

 

[amanda678373617]

Can this be deleted, I cannot message anyone to ask? I have decided not to participate as I posted too much and this is also stressing me out. Thanks

 

[blackemerald1]

amanda678373617
Hi, you took a big leap by writing your history and it must have been hard. Don't abandon yourself or this forum now that you have laid it out. You have had a really complicated and hard life and I feel so badly for all that you have endured. But you have survived and, if you read some of the other forum members stories of their lives, you might find that they too have survived to tell about themselves and are sorting things out.

Maybe, writing it all out in one chunk has set yourself up to worry about what is and isn't too much information. I think you have been really brave. I have been a member on this forum for a little while and I have read and read and read. I couldn't do an introduction of myself for various private reasons but I so wanted to. Now, I can and I am really scared of telling my complicated story.

You won't be judged here, I have watched the responses from other forum members to really traumatic histories. Please stay and read and write more, other forum members will respond with empathy, ideas and support. You might find comfort and new ways of dealing with what has happened to you. You will be helping yourself and possibly others too. So stick around and give yourself some time to adjust to the fact that you have exposed a very traumatic and emotional journey that has brought you to this forum.
Regards Blackemerald

 

[amethist]

Hi Amanda

Try staying for a while, but instead of posting, just read other members introductions. You may find what you have written is no more or worse than any other members introductions. It is alway hard to begin with, but in time you will find it easier.

We are a great bunch of people on this forum, no judgement only help, support and advice.

Take it slowly and give it a go, you may find you enjoy the friendship and understanding you find here.

Amethist

 

[Jagged Angel]

Hi, don't cut and run just yet. This is a great place to hang out and talk to people who are going through the same things you are. I know you feel frightened right now, but just take a step back and read some histories from other people, and you will discover that we all have had a hard time, some of us have been in the sex industry, most of us have had people we love do bad things to us, and all of us are here to talk to other people in the same boat.

After writing my history, I wanted to run from the forum as well, but then I realised that people were telling me that I was welcome here, and that they understood where I was coming from. I'm still here, and I love it here.

Hopefully you won't leave, and we will hear more from you

 

[suzie q]

Looking at one's history all at once causes anxiety and confusion. You are really brave to have opened up with the things you have experienced. As others have said already, don't let your feelings cause you to stop looking for a place to process your pain. This forum is just the place to open yourself up and get positive feedback for how to work on your reactions to trauma and memories. No one here knows who you really are and besides, no one is going to judge or criticize anything you chose to share. We are all in the same boat. We look for others who may relate to our experiences and then share what progress and methods we have used to overcome the pain and anxiety.

Please know that you are welcome and have done nothing in your past that is unique or horrible! I look forward to seeing you around the forum. Take a deep breath and know that we are here to listen and help.

suzie q