I've had enough experience with these same feelings to know that nothing I say will help you feel better right now. However, I have a few ideas for a sunny day (and it will come). These feelings you feel will be relieved by a surge of ... something; sugar, dopamine, serotonin, caffiene induced mania ... whatever it is, there will be something that will cause a break in this emotional storm.
You don't have to fight at all. Instead of looking at your situation as if it is a battle (which i completely realate to, btw), you might want to consider trying to -- little by little -- change your way of viewing it. Instead of a battle, it can be a charity marathon, a solitary climb, a learning process, a vollyball game, a mystery novel of your life ... stick around to find out what happens next.
You can write the next chapter, or learn new concepts and stronger tools that support you better, or find out rules of the game you didn't understand before. I remember as a kid, I thought when you bought a house, you owned it and could do whatever you wanted on your land. I didn't have any concept of mortgage, insurance, city ordinances, etc. I had to learn the rules (and loopholes) of the game if I wanted to own a home.
Self preservation is a lot like owning a home. You have up-keep expenses, you have to pay attention to what works and what doesn't, and keep a running list of these things; you need to restock supplies, make sure you are up-to-date on new information that may affect your performance, and chase away any unwanted pests. :)
I understand that feeling of worthlessness; I aly have had a surge of it in the past week or so, but because this feeling has diminished in the past before, I know it will ebb away again with time (and new distracting focus). I had to stop thinking about what other people might be thinking of me, or how they value my life. I still struggle with this, but had to find worth within myself, AND believe it. I had to find the value in my life and exclude anything other people may believe and feel about me. Self preservation is important. You can't function on empty self-esteem, self-worth, self-concepts. This is a goal worthy of focusing on.
If you have to tear your focus away from other people and take care of yourself, that is okay. You know why? Because this will give them a chance to focus on their selves. You will be allowing them to gain self reliance, while you gain yours. It is easier said than done to take complete control over your life.
Success isn't accomplished in a short time; this is a small moves, small steps kind of thing. The important thing to keep in mind is to set reachable goals first. Smal successes will encourage you to continue toward larger ones. One day, you'll be in the midst of performing a few more small goals, and happen to look back ... you'll see how far you've come and be amazed.
I don't know enough about you to give specific direction. I probably couldn't even if I did know your life story. I'm just replying to your post, not because I have answers, but because I have a lot of the same questions in me about 'why should I keep going?' ... and I've realized that is the wrong question to ask. These questions are not coming from a good place. When you are feeling as low as you are feeling, maybe it is best not to do or think anything until these emotions ebb far enough out to see that your thoughts and beliefs during times like this can not be trusted.
I have several notes to myself around the house that all say the same thing, "That feeling will pass, because it has passed before. Don't trust your thoughts or feelings during this time. I have seen the other side of these feelings enough times to know they are a lie. You do not really feel this way when you are WELL. Don't do anything till you feel better."
Let my notes help you too.
--{@
