Losing Myself

[Tina]

For some odd reason,lately, I have been feeling out of touch with myself. Like am loosing my personality almost. I don't like the things I use to anymore and I feel a little blue ad well as envious. It seemed to happen over night. What could this be?

 

[digger]

What are your thoughts on it? Who/what are you envious of?

I feel like I have lost who I am a hundred times over or more these past few years. Therapy has increased that for me, although I hope in the long run it will help me find myself again in all this. But pulling apart your life and the things you thought you knew. Learning truths and untruths. It's all left me not knowing which way is up.

Can you pinpoint the overnight you feel it happened on? Have you been talking about anything in particular with your therapist that might make you feel this way?

 

[Tina]

It

What are your thoughts on it? Who/what are you envious of?

I feel like I have lost who I am a hundred times over or more these past few years. Therapy has increased that for me, although I hope in the long run it will help me find myself again in all this. But pulling apart your life and the things you thought you knew. Learning truths and untruths. It's all left me not knowing which way is up.

Can you pinpoint the overnight you feel it happened on? Have you been talking about anything in particular with your therapist that might make you feel this way?

well, I just been thinking lately about how my life could have been different if I had a different mom. Like if our Aunt was our mom instead.Maybe myself and my sister could of went to collage and had a great experience instead of struggling just so our mom could live off of us. or maybe we wouldn't have to deal with the the emotional abuse that our mother has put us through. And if she wasn't our maybe I would of never been blamed for her mistakes. It just weights on me right now. Me and my mom couldn't be more different but I don't think that's am excuse to treat me badly. I usual don't envy anyone but since these feeling I feel envious of people who have the life I want. I guess it's just the stress of this is making me feel this way idk I feel kind of disconnected from my emotions or reactions a little. I don't like the things I use to a little .i cry sometimes. I feel like a part of my self or soul is missing if that makes any sense

 

[Tina]

It

well, I just been thinking lately about how my life could have been different if I had a different mom. Like if our Aunt was our mom instead.Maybe myself and my sister could of went to collage and had a great experience instead of struggling just so our mom could live off of us. or maybe we wouldn't have to deal with the the emotional abuse that our mother has put us through. And if she wasn't our maybe I would of never been blamed for her mistakes. It just weights on me right now. Me and my mom couldn't be more different but I don't think that's am excuse to treat me badly. I usual don't envy anyone but since these feeling I feel envious of people who have the life I want. I guess it's just the stress of this is making me feel this way idk I feel kind of disconnected from my emotions or reactions a little. I don't like the things I use to a little .i cry sometimes. I feel like a part of my self or soul is missing if that makes any sense

Why would u like this?

 

[digger]

Sometimes people use 'Like' on forums like this to acknowledge your feelings or to acknowledge that they can identify with what you've said.

 

[Tina]

Sometimes people use 'Like' on forums like this to acknowledge your feelings or to acknowledge that they can identify with what you've said.

Oh, I was just curious because I didn't think it was anything positive to like about that thread.

 

[Lucycat]

I just been thinking lately about how my life could have been different if I had a different mom.

I have wasted a lot of time wishing I was born into a different family. Of course the simple reality is that you cannot change it. On the other hand you can create a new 'family' around you, by embracing the friends and family that you love and trust and allowing them to be a part of your life.

An example of this is that I have learned to think of my Sister in Law, Liz, as a sort of adopted mother. She is a very real person but she lives the other side of the world. However she is such a loving, caring , compassionate lady that I would love to have had her as my Mum. Whenever we talk on the phone or Skype, she always tells me she loves me - something my real Mum never does. Liz knows and understand the difficulties I have been through, and never judges me. I have a photo of her on my mantelpiece to look at whenever I need to. I have no pictures of my real Mum on view - do you know I have only just realised that?

When I am doing Therapy and it gets tough or I get upset, my Therapist brings Liz into the conversation. Like 'what would Liz say now?' or 'what would you like Liz to do now?' .

So I can't change that my Mum has not done a very good job, but I have stopped expecting anything better from her and have started relying more on Liz, even though Liz isn't here and doesn't even know how much we talk and think about her.

 

[Tina]

That's very sweet. My mom only tells me she loves me when I do something nice for her or when she gives me a hard times for no reason and I want to get away from her. She's full of shit. But I have an awesome friend named, Wendi and she treats me like I wish my mom would treat me. We tell each other we love each other all the time. I couldn't be more thankful for her. :)

 

[Tina]

For some odd reason,lately, I have been feeling out of touch with myself. Like am loosing my personality almost. I don't like the things I use to anymore and I feel a little blue ad well as envious. It seemed to happen over night. What could this be?

I have wasted a lot of time wishing I was born into a different family. Of course the simple reality is that you cannot change it....

So I can't change that my Mum has not done a very good job,

If you don't mind, what was your mom like growing up?

 

[Lucycat]

When I was growing up I thought my Mum was perfectly 'normal'. However with the benefit of hindsight I can see that she did not do a good job. Firstly she did not protect me from my father - but then I have never established if she knew he was sexually abusing me. But there is other stuff.

Times when I got sick and never got to see the doctor. One time I was at a charity event and went to the first aid tent myself because I was sick. I had been sick for 3 days. They said I had to go back and tell my Mum to take me to a doctor. Then she did and I needed a sling, injections and pills to get better. One time I had a sore foot from falling badly in gym at school. I was limping for a week, but no sympathy no treatment or investigation. I used to come home from school crying because I was bullied on the school bus. Big kids stuck pins in me. Mum did nothing - ignored the problem. She made me eat all my food - that she put on my plate - then said I was too fat so was forced to go outside to 'do exercises' for however long. She was mean to me. She laughed at me. She delighted in humiliating me. I worked really hard in school and got good grades. But it was never good enough. I was told not to brag because that was not fair on my 2 brothers.

Even as an adult I was told that my lovely house that I am so proud of, I should not talk about as my younger brother's house is not so nice. Yet I am expected to be pleased when my brother has 2 children and I am infertile. Of course I am pleased for my brother, but nobody would tell him not to brag for fear of upsetting me. Double standards all the way.

These days I wonder if my Mum was mean to me because she did know what my father was doing and maybe she was jealous of the attention I was getting? I guess I will never know. She still lives with him.

 

[moving forward]

Hi @Tina
@splinter is right. I 'liked' your comment in that I can relate to some of the issues you have raised. My mum has NEVER hugged me or told me that she loves me....:(
She was negligent or anything like that just emotionally non-existent towards me, but fine towards my brother - who knows, I've given up even trying to understand it.

 

[Tina]

Hi @Tina
@splinter is right. I 'liked' your comment in that I can relate to some of the issues you have raised. My mum has NEVER hugged me or told me that she loves me....:(
She was negligent or anything like that just emotionally non-existent towards me, but fine towards my brother - who knows, I've given up even trying to understand it.
.

I understand now. Yeah, I can relate to that also. My mom treated and still treats me different com my younger sister who I am still luckily, very close to despite her efforts to turn us against each other. Growing up, she always hugged my sister instead of me. She even blamed my sisters suicide attempt on me because to saw me trying to commit suicide in the past. Both incidents was because of my mothers verbal abuser towards us. She loves to blame everyone else for her problems