Loss Of Time

[pamcoco]

I went to the doctor a year ago and was baffled filling out the forms. Today's Date? Age? Date since last exam?

I had no idea. I used math skills to piece the information together but left stunned by how much time had passed since the crimes. Complete gaps in my memory and it simply didn't seem possible that over 3 years had past. I became extremely concerned about my mental health and more poignantly, my recovery, or lack there of.

Now, I make a concerted effort to keep track of the day of the week and month, but time still evades me. My birthday a month ago, I learned of when my friends scheduled a dinner celebration.

My dog of 14 years suddenly passed last week and I woke up 4 days later with not one memory of anything between. I am afraid I am too far gone, never to return to the daily life of earth dwellers.

 

[TwoDee2ThreeDee]

So sorry about your dog, Pam. Are you getting any therapy services?

 

[Springer80]

Hi Pam, I also am a fellow inhabitant of Other Land :-) what you describe is called non episodal memory and comes from living with dissociative disorder for a long time. There was an interesting book called Time Lived Without Its Flow by a lady whose child died and the three years she lost to grief. I think more people than we realise for all sorts of reasons experience this for various time periods and at different intensities.

I use the metaphor of a birthday cake, you cant feel the memory of the day but you know there was cake. You dont know what it tasted like or if others enjoyed it but you know that cake is made of flour, butter, sugar etc and that when combined it should taste a certain way.

Really very recently i have come to like my other land and feel special for it. My experience is no less valid because i cant conform. Physically Im more at peace with my self for it and mentally Im able to get closer to absorbing my trauma.


By the way Im sorry about you little dog. He or she must have been a very close friend. I had one when i was growing up and being abused and i wish i could have one now. They are the most perceptive and calming souls.


Best wishes non earth dweller x

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

I get this too - when someone in hospital asked how old I was I had to ask them what the year was - they looked at me very strangely. I find that if I think really hard I can place certain events at certain times or stages and that because of certain other factors like where I was living at roughly that time when things happened.

Or in terms of a weekly or daily basis, trying to walk backwards with pockets and snippets of memory. I can't remember what I did last week or even yesterday without a lot of concentration and the piecing together of facts.

 

[pamcoco]

Been in therapy even before the 3 sexually based crimes one after the other, all that were unrelated. It seemed like we were dealing, or I was dealing, but the blows kept coming.

At some point I crossed to the other side and the places I have ventured to emotionally, physically, socially and financially are not the locations most people will ever visit. It seems people feel most comfortable blaming me. I only recently went "public" if you will. Consciously telling the truth as opposed to the involuntary disclosures I barely recall. But disclosure has consistently led to attacks from those I thought were my biggest supports. The message always conveying the antecdote of "picking yourself up and moving on". It is hard to explain that no one wants to pick themselves up and move on more than me.

I learned through hard knocks and the exodus in my life that our society tends to place blame on victims and even more destructively, shame on victims. They have determined my behavior in the aftermath to be the problem, NOT the events that led to my behavior. Perhaps they are right, although I wish these judgements might be reserved should they experience similar circumstances. I have never been harshly judged by another that knows what it is like to literally fight for their life. I think it is a universal truth that compassion flows most freely from those of like minds.

Still, I believe I am a better person as a result of the challenges of the last decade. I am humbled in all respects, as compassionate as intolerant. Following my inner voice is no longer a debate, it is the only option. But I long for understanding. I am fearful of others normalizing of the events I have found most traumatizing. While the sentiment is pure I tend to hide from anyone that considers the "sh*t they went through" as a good measure of my mindset.

So I fake it a lot. Fake normal whenever possible. Fake hope when really it is a daily effort to keep the gun out of my mouth. I am so deeply changed, it frightens me.

I walked outside my door several months ago and saw a car parked near my neighbors garage. Immediately I knew they were robbing someone in the neighborhood. There was no question in my mind. I got in my car to take a photo of the license plate and then was spotted by the driver returning to his vehicle. This led to a high speed chase that lasted over 20 minutes. He trying to corner my vehicle and ram it from behind. I was crystal clear. There was no wrong turn or mistake in my judgement. He fled when the lapd and helicopters located us. But in true lapd style, they failed to apprehend him. None the less, it is in darkness I am crystal clear. The darkness speaks so loudly I hear nothing else.

But as a result, right or wrong, I tend to hide, even from my therapist. I am constantly hopeful I will emerge to a self that is more familiar to me and others, but this state keeps evading me. Since the exodus in my life has been nearly complete, I tackle the beast mostly alone. Turns out there is no one I trust more than myself in war, but my peacetime persona has grown quiet.