I need help from someone to help me understand some things. And I just need someone to talk to. I dont know anyone else that has ptsd that I can talk to that can maybe help me understand ptsd and help me understand my husbands behavior. And I have no one else that is in a relationship with someone that has ptsd that I relate to and that can possibly help me understand some things. I just want to do the right thing. And Im not a hopeless kind of person, I never have been. But this last week, I have been feeling like things are hopeless. And I feel like I have no one to turn to that understands what Im going through.
My husband and I have been together 18 years and married 17. He has had ptsd about 25 years. He never told me about the struggles he has had since his trauma. He knew something was wrong, he just didnt know it was ptsd and I respect why he didnt tell me. I figured out on my own about 6 months ago he has ptsd. I didnt know much about it when I realized that he had it. But because he was traumatized and because of his behavior in crowded places and because of his anger issues, I thought that it was ptsd. I told him that and he said he had it under control. I didnt want to push the issue and I trusted what he said. He was diagnosed with ptsd a little over a month ago.
About 3 or 4 months ago, I noticed that the withdrawl, anger, stress, was getting worse. I noticed he wasnt trying to connect with me or the kids like he used to. I did not know at the time those are symptoms of ptsd. He was spending most of his free time on his phone. He was being protective and secretive with his phone. If I sat next to him and looked over to say something he would tilt his screen, which I took as he didnt want me to see what he was doing or who he was talking to. The wheels in my head started turning and in my mind he was connecting to something or someone because he wasnt connecting with me. There was never infidelity in our marriage and anytime he was dishonest he would do whatever he could to right the wrong and do what he needed to show me I can trust him and he would get my trust back. There has never been 1 time in our relationship I was convinced he was unfaithful, until this last week.
I struggled for 2 months about whether to voice my cocern and in the end, I decided that I needed to. When I talked to him, I had no idea how the ptsd was affecting him or that his symptoms were so bad. He chose not to tell me what was going on and I wish I could of read his mind. I talked to him and he got very mad at me for the thoughts in my head. He got mad at me for questioning why he is not really trying to connect with me or the kids and why and avoiding us, why he just seems not to try at all . That made him mad too. I asked him to please tell me whats going on. That something is wrong and that we need to work on whatever is going on and if thete is anything I can do to help. He then said maybe he dont want to work on things and he dont know if he wants to continue to be married. I couldnt beileve any of this and knew it was not my husband. I was thinking it was the ptsd. I told him this isnt about us, its about ptsd. That made him explode and I had never seen him that mad.
Since then, he did start therapy but didnt want to. But he has refused marriage or family therapy. He wouldnt even let me meet his therapist or allow me to ask some questions (not about him, about ptsd) Hiding his phone and being secretive with it has gotten worse since the talk. I asked him when I would see him being secretive what he was hiding. He would say nothing, eventhough I would walk in the room and he would hide his phone under his leg or behind his back. I have been suspicious for 4 months now he has been hiding from me that he is talking to a female. When he finally did admit he was hiding who he was talking to, he blamed me for "having" to lie to me. He lied to me about who he was talking to several times.Before he finally admitted to hiding that he was talking to a femle but again, he blamed me for "having" to lie to me about talking to her. He claims its a woman he dont know very well. He says its an army buddys ex wife. He said the reason he messaged her is because he was trying to get in touch with her husband and didnt know that they were divorced. He claims that he didnt know her that well when he messaged her the first time. He claims he has only been talking to her for 4 months. And my husband dont talk about his personal life with anyone. But this woman, he finally admitted to talking to her about our problems. When he wont even discuss our problems with me. But he claims that he dont see how this "friendship" is inappropriate. Which I think is bs. I think he knows and because he shuts himself down, he just dont care. My daughters is the one that brought his "friendship" with this woman to my attention. I knew he was hiding talking to a female from me, I just didnt know who.
We had no problems in our relationship or our marriage until 2 months ago when I tried to talk to him about him being " unavailable" to us and asking why. That night, he snapped and completely shut down towards me. Since then, no matter what I do he pushes me away. He takes my words and twists them and makes them into something they are not. He blames me for everything. He acts like his poor choices affecting us dont matter. He acts like his feelings are the only one that matters. He left us Saturday to go stay at his moms. He claims its only for a month to get his stress and anxiety under control. He says that there is a reason why he associates our home, the actual house he says, with stress and anxiety. I have tried to tell him where it all has came from the past 11 months. His therapist has tried to tell him. He wont beileve either if us. He says this is something he has to do on his own. The last conversation I had with him about his inappropriate "friendship" was last night. He still denys anything inappropriate is going on. He still denys that what he is doing, including the dishonesty, is inappropriate. He says dishonesty is " no big deal". I have expressed to him how his deceit and "friendship" is destroying our family, relationship and marriage and he has seemed to care at some times and then not care other times. But either way, he continued to carry on a "friendship" with this person. After 1 last effort of exspressing to him that I cant trust him and it feels like our family and marriage is being destroyed, and its imperative we do something about it, I asked him last night that if I asked him to stop communicating with this woman at least temporarily until we can work through our problemm, would he. He was very angry and accused me if trying to pick his friends for him, but said he would. I also asked if I wanted his social media usernames and passwords, would he give them to me, he was angry but said he would. Im at the point to where I cant trust him at all. And he has tried to make me seem crazy when I would see him putting his phone behind his back when I walk in the room by telling me he isnt hiding anything. And blaming me for his poor choicea is manapulative and hurtful. And my heart is broken and our kids heart is broken and he knows that and last night he told me he just dont care about anything right now. He also finally told me last night that the reason he dont know if he wants to stay married is if he cant control his anxiety and stress than he cant stay married.He left furious last night and I havent heard from him since.
From the moment we got into that first fight, he has refused to commit to doing whatever needs to be done to work on our issues. He expects me to hang out until he decides whether he wants to keep his vows and commitment. I support his recovery and so do our kids and we have from moment 1. But the choices he is making to be dishonest and hide things and push the blame off instead of take responsibiluty is affecting our kids and me greatly. I have researched almost non stop since that terrible fight. I have also been reading a book on ptsd. I have read that people with ptsd shut down and detatch from their family. And some dont connect with their spouses and children. And the book Im reading explained why they have a hard time communicating, etc. And I realize now that a lot symptoms of ptsd are the same as an emotional affair. I didnt know that the night of the fight. But dishonesty is a choice. So is taking responsibility.I have tried to pick my battles. I have been gentle. I have been supportive. I have been understanding. I have respected his boundries. I feel like everything I do is wrong. He blames for everything. And I feel like he resents and hates me. He is not respecting my boundries. I refuse to tolerate the dishonesty and blaming me for "having" to do it. And once I told him I refuse to tolerate the dishonesty and all the bs that comes a long with it, thats when things got really bad. So if anyone out there can tell me...Im being crazy? Does it seem like Im being selfish. Im so confused right now and at times I dont know if I just cant see past my own anger. Or if Im being unreasonable. If Im wrong about something I will take resposibility for it and learn from it. Its just righr now, I am so effed up in the head and dont know what to beileve about anything anymore. I need another opionion. And help me understand if Im missing something about what ptsd does to someone. I hope that makes sense. I feel so alone right now. I have no one that I can talk to that understands or knows anything about ptsd from a spouses view and I know no one else who has ptsd that can maybe help me understand some things from their point of view because my husband wont tell me anything. Im sorry this is such a long post. I would appreciate anything anyone can tell me or offer advice on. And a neutral opionion is a blessing.
My husband and I have been together 18 years and married 17. He has had ptsd about 25 years. He never told me about the struggles he has had since his trauma. He knew something was wrong, he just didnt know it was ptsd and I respect why he didnt tell me. I figured out on my own about 6 months ago he has ptsd. I didnt know much about it when I realized that he had it. But because he was traumatized and because of his behavior in crowded places and because of his anger issues, I thought that it was ptsd. I told him that and he said he had it under control. I didnt want to push the issue and I trusted what he said. He was diagnosed with ptsd a little over a month ago.
About 3 or 4 months ago, I noticed that the withdrawl, anger, stress, was getting worse. I noticed he wasnt trying to connect with me or the kids like he used to. I did not know at the time those are symptoms of ptsd. He was spending most of his free time on his phone. He was being protective and secretive with his phone. If I sat next to him and looked over to say something he would tilt his screen, which I took as he didnt want me to see what he was doing or who he was talking to. The wheels in my head started turning and in my mind he was connecting to something or someone because he wasnt connecting with me. There was never infidelity in our marriage and anytime he was dishonest he would do whatever he could to right the wrong and do what he needed to show me I can trust him and he would get my trust back. There has never been 1 time in our relationship I was convinced he was unfaithful, until this last week.
I struggled for 2 months about whether to voice my cocern and in the end, I decided that I needed to. When I talked to him, I had no idea how the ptsd was affecting him or that his symptoms were so bad. He chose not to tell me what was going on and I wish I could of read his mind. I talked to him and he got very mad at me for the thoughts in my head. He got mad at me for questioning why he is not really trying to connect with me or the kids and why and avoiding us, why he just seems not to try at all . That made him mad too. I asked him to please tell me whats going on. That something is wrong and that we need to work on whatever is going on and if thete is anything I can do to help. He then said maybe he dont want to work on things and he dont know if he wants to continue to be married. I couldnt beileve any of this and knew it was not my husband. I was thinking it was the ptsd. I told him this isnt about us, its about ptsd. That made him explode and I had never seen him that mad.
Since then, he did start therapy but didnt want to. But he has refused marriage or family therapy. He wouldnt even let me meet his therapist or allow me to ask some questions (not about him, about ptsd) Hiding his phone and being secretive with it has gotten worse since the talk. I asked him when I would see him being secretive what he was hiding. He would say nothing, eventhough I would walk in the room and he would hide his phone under his leg or behind his back. I have been suspicious for 4 months now he has been hiding from me that he is talking to a female. When he finally did admit he was hiding who he was talking to, he blamed me for "having" to lie to me. He lied to me about who he was talking to several times.Before he finally admitted to hiding that he was talking to a femle but again, he blamed me for "having" to lie to me about talking to her. He claims its a woman he dont know very well. He says its an army buddys ex wife. He said the reason he messaged her is because he was trying to get in touch with her husband and didnt know that they were divorced. He claims that he didnt know her that well when he messaged her the first time. He claims he has only been talking to her for 4 months. And my husband dont talk about his personal life with anyone. But this woman, he finally admitted to talking to her about our problems. When he wont even discuss our problems with me. But he claims that he dont see how this "friendship" is inappropriate. Which I think is bs. I think he knows and because he shuts himself down, he just dont care. My daughters is the one that brought his "friendship" with this woman to my attention. I knew he was hiding talking to a female from me, I just didnt know who.
We had no problems in our relationship or our marriage until 2 months ago when I tried to talk to him about him being " unavailable" to us and asking why. That night, he snapped and completely shut down towards me. Since then, no matter what I do he pushes me away. He takes my words and twists them and makes them into something they are not. He blames me for everything. He acts like his poor choices affecting us dont matter. He acts like his feelings are the only one that matters. He left us Saturday to go stay at his moms. He claims its only for a month to get his stress and anxiety under control. He says that there is a reason why he associates our home, the actual house he says, with stress and anxiety. I have tried to tell him where it all has came from the past 11 months. His therapist has tried to tell him. He wont beileve either if us. He says this is something he has to do on his own. The last conversation I had with him about his inappropriate "friendship" was last night. He still denys anything inappropriate is going on. He still denys that what he is doing, including the dishonesty, is inappropriate. He says dishonesty is " no big deal". I have expressed to him how his deceit and "friendship" is destroying our family, relationship and marriage and he has seemed to care at some times and then not care other times. But either way, he continued to carry on a "friendship" with this person. After 1 last effort of exspressing to him that I cant trust him and it feels like our family and marriage is being destroyed, and its imperative we do something about it, I asked him last night that if I asked him to stop communicating with this woman at least temporarily until we can work through our problemm, would he. He was very angry and accused me if trying to pick his friends for him, but said he would. I also asked if I wanted his social media usernames and passwords, would he give them to me, he was angry but said he would. Im at the point to where I cant trust him at all. And he has tried to make me seem crazy when I would see him putting his phone behind his back when I walk in the room by telling me he isnt hiding anything. And blaming me for his poor choicea is manapulative and hurtful. And my heart is broken and our kids heart is broken and he knows that and last night he told me he just dont care about anything right now. He also finally told me last night that the reason he dont know if he wants to stay married is if he cant control his anxiety and stress than he cant stay married.He left furious last night and I havent heard from him since.
From the moment we got into that first fight, he has refused to commit to doing whatever needs to be done to work on our issues. He expects me to hang out until he decides whether he wants to keep his vows and commitment. I support his recovery and so do our kids and we have from moment 1. But the choices he is making to be dishonest and hide things and push the blame off instead of take responsibiluty is affecting our kids and me greatly. I have researched almost non stop since that terrible fight. I have also been reading a book on ptsd. I have read that people with ptsd shut down and detatch from their family. And some dont connect with their spouses and children. And the book Im reading explained why they have a hard time communicating, etc. And I realize now that a lot symptoms of ptsd are the same as an emotional affair. I didnt know that the night of the fight. But dishonesty is a choice. So is taking responsibility.I have tried to pick my battles. I have been gentle. I have been supportive. I have been understanding. I have respected his boundries. I feel like everything I do is wrong. He blames for everything. And I feel like he resents and hates me. He is not respecting my boundries. I refuse to tolerate the dishonesty and blaming me for "having" to do it. And once I told him I refuse to tolerate the dishonesty and all the bs that comes a long with it, thats when things got really bad. So if anyone out there can tell me...Im being crazy? Does it seem like Im being selfish. Im so confused right now and at times I dont know if I just cant see past my own anger. Or if Im being unreasonable. If Im wrong about something I will take resposibility for it and learn from it. Its just righr now, I am so effed up in the head and dont know what to beileve about anything anymore. I need another opionion. And help me understand if Im missing something about what ptsd does to someone. I hope that makes sense. I feel so alone right now. I have no one that I can talk to that understands or knows anything about ptsd from a spouses view and I know no one else who has ptsd that can maybe help me understand some things from their point of view because my husband wont tell me anything. Im sorry this is such a long post. I would appreciate anything anyone can tell me or offer advice on. And a neutral opionion is a blessing.
